Talking about past relationships- good or bad


#6049753 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 4:16am
Howesha
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I personally have no problem talking or hearing about them. I think as long as the exact details are spared it can be a talk that makes the new relationship stronger.

I believe it shows how much I trust the person to be telling them about the past. To me it shows that I'm over the past so its easy for me to talk about it.

My current boyfriend refuses to talk about his. He has no problem with me talking about mine. He get jealous and angry at times but that's expected.

The way I see it we both of baggage and we both love each other so there's really nothing that should be too uncomfortable to talk about.

What do you think?



#6049740 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 4:52am
The Helper
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I think it depends on the people in the new relationship. We have talked a little about past partners, but nothing really in detail. It has never bothered me though, I think it's cool to hear about people's past.



#6049765 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 1:18pm
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I like hearing about my boyfriend's past relationships, cause they make me feel good about ours haha (not that I need to hear them too feel good about our relationship).
A lot of his were pretty bad. Lots of fighting.

The only one I don't like hearing about is about this girl named Katie. He said that she is the prettiest girl he's ever seen :/ So of course that made me feel like poop. He also seems really hurt by not being with her anymore, and it's been ~ 3 or 4 years. Hearing him say this made me feel like if she wanted to get back with him, he would do it.
I've brought that up to him and he assured me that he wouldn't. "If we didn't work then, we won't work now."


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#6049804 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 1:20pm
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It depends when the stories of past relationships is brought up. I have no issue with it unless it is when we are fighting and he is using one of his ex's as a comparison to me. The minute I hear you are like or acting like I flip on him



#6049806 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 1:34pm
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@Permanent

UGH. My boyfriend pulled that on me once.

He compared me to his craziest ex, Gina, after I said something that upset him. "You know who you reminded me of!? GINA!"
>8U


"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."


#6049782 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 1:36pm
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@Aestival
Yeah Nate did something similar like that and I just like had it. My response was "If I am acting like your exs maybe I should join them. When you can't beat them you join them right?!?!" That was like after a month of straight out arguing because distance sucks.



#6049742 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 2:48pm
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It probably depends on the person. When I was dating I hated him talking about his exes because he had SO FRIGGIN MANY and he could relate any of them to me and it was annoying. I don't know how I'd feel in another relationship though, since that was my only relationship. :p But I'm thinking I'd be iffy on it, because if he's talking about them then he still thinks about them...I'm a really jealous person though. ;-;



#6049745 Posted on: 03/18/11 at 3:34pm
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Well .. my boy has known me for years, and he already knows about majority of my relationships and the problems in them. It kind of makes it a bit easier, because he knows what was lacking in them, and he tries his best to make it easier for me.
On the other hand, up until recently he never talked to me about his past relationships. Since he's become more comfortable with me, and he knows I'm interested, he talks about them quite a bit. Majority of the time it feels like he's .. not so much comparing me to them, but he's telling me that's he's afraid that what happened with them will happen with me. I do my best to reassure him that it won't, but its tough when every girl he's dated has ended up leaving him for another man. /:


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#6049791 Posted on: 03/19/11 at 4:15pm
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It honestly depends. Unfortunately, I know a LOT of details about my boyfriend's past relationships. I had a close friend who was also friends with him, and for whatever reason she decided to spill out everything that happened between him and his latest fling to me. Personally, I was NOT okay with hearing that. I don't mind hearing the basics like "we dated for this amount of time, blah blah blah, this is why we broke up" or any other important things. I don't need to hear about what they physically did together or anything like that. There's just no reason for me to know those things, although I already do, because they just hurt me.

My boyfriend knows a lot about 1 of my past relationships, but knows nothing about all the others. The only reason he knows so much about the last guy I dated is because I have a lot of trust issues. That guy cheated on me with his ex, a bunch of other girls, and lied to me and kept secrets from me for months on end after I fell hard for him. So that relationship gave me a lot of issues with trust or keeping secrets, and I only told my boyfriend about this other guy so he would understand that my trust issues come from this other guy, not from him. Things are steadily getting better, I just wanted to make my boyfriend aware of that my trust issues are not his fault.

If my boyfriend asked anything about my past, I definitely wouldn't lie to him though. He's questioned me about physical things I've done with other guys before, but I just tell him that those things are for me to know and for him not to worry about, because the last thing in the world I want is him to get jealous or upset over a mental picture of me with another guy.

I think talking about past relationships can definitely make your current one stronger- sometimes it's not bad to look back and see why all of your other relationships failed, because those mistakes can make your future relationships more successful. As long as too many details aren't given out, I think it's fine. It's not a topic I would want to bring up all the time though. My boyfriend has never brought up any of his past relationships unless I ask questions or bring them up first; if he ever compared me to another ex girlfriend in a negative way I would gtfo so fast, that's just downright hurtful.



#6049793 Posted on: 03/19/11 at 6:52pm
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My boyfriend HATES HATES HATES having me talk about my past bfs and refuses to talk about his. i wuldn't mind it, tho...



#6049796 Posted on: 03/25/11 at 8:17pm
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Like everyone else here has said, it depends on the people in the relationship and the relationship itself.

When I met my fiancee, I was living with my ex (I was going to school full-time and working full-time in retail, so I wasn't making enough to get out on my own and he and I were really good friends until we both found ourselves in long-term relationships) who I had broken up with 2 years prior. Our first date I gave him the disclaimer: I live with my ex, I broke it off with him two years ago, there hasn't been a spark since.

Maybe he appreciated my honesty, or maybe he didn't see my ex as a genuine threat, but he decided that I was worth pursuing, and it encouraged him to open up to me about his exes, one of which was really really vile to him. Abusive, controlling, and she was a nutcase (not just according to him, but to his close friends and family - they HATED this girl). He admitted that his experience with this girl was the reason he was so shy and reserved with women.

Because we had the discussion about our exes, I knew that, as head-over-heels as I was for him, I had to be patient and not push things too fast with regards to how fast the relationship progressed, which was really really hard because I knew he was the one after our first date! He ended up opening up pretty quick with me, despite his own disclaimer. I think we ended up closer in the long run.

tl;dr - Sometimes you need to talk about your exes so you can learn more about one another. Without the discussion I had with my fiancee in the early stages of our relationship, I probably would have completely blown it with him by moving too quickly and scaring him, and I would have ended up hiding something from him from the get-go, and that's never a good way to start a relationship!



#6049799 Posted on: 03/26/11 at 10:59pm
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Yeah, its pretty much depends, I wouldnt exactly want to hear about him and his past gfs, especially when they compare or something reminds them of her. And I doubt he would want to hear about mine too. Im a jealous person. Dx
But if he asks I would answer honestly, then try to change the subject.



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#6049809 Posted on: 03/27/11 at 3:00pm
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Depends on the person.
But I think it's a bit immature when people can't handle that stuff.

I know about my boyfriends past girls, he knows about mine.
It's how you get to know people better.

However, he doesn't make reference to them, we don't talk about it daily or something.
It's one of those things you talk about in one conversation, get it all out. And thats it.




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#6049812 Posted on: 03/31/11 at 3:14am
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@Howesha

As posted above, it depends on the person.

I've told my boyfriend about my past two relationships (both ended badly) so I haven't hidden my past from him. He hasn't really told me about his past relationships. All I know is that they were barely relationships anyway, but I'd still like to know.


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