We're Different People...

C
R
E
A
T
E

A
D

Subeta Forums > Chit-Chat > Relationships

#1 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 12:48 PM

Donated to the Cash Shop

2,253 Posts
515 Achievements

Please read...
We were friends for a while (about two years) before we started dating. It's almost six months into dating. Personally, I'm miserable and he's very happy.

Here's one of the biggest problems I have; he silently mocks me. He "laughs" about my religion in small ways. For example: "On Passover do you have to sacrifice a lamb?" I NEVER mocked his religion, and there are plenty of other incidents like this one. He would also mock my personal choices. I'm a vegetarian. He would never consider going vegetarian, but if we "got married" I would be cooking meat. There are other things I have problems with, but I don't want to get into that. I was very accepting of our differences at first, but I'm starting to realize how uncomfortable our differences make me feel.

He says he loves me, and he acts like he really does. But I think he's blind. We're two completely different people and he won't acknowledge it. He told me a week into dating that he thinks I'm the one and wants to marry me. That scared, and still scares me. I don't want to be with someone with different core values and I don't know how to explain this to him without breaking his heart.

tl;dr
I love him as a friend, but we were not meant for each other and he doesn't realize it.

If you can give me any advice about what I should do, it would be appreciated. I'm really lost and I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.

Dance with Millgret

-My dA-

#2 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 12:51 PM

is a Billionaire

2,454 Posts
629 Achievements

@

I have been there, almost exactly. I had a friend who I had known since I was 6 years old and we began dating. I thought, I know this guy, I've known him forever and this is going to be grand! I'm christian, he was atheist. I'll tell you, the mocking at first you shrug off, but as time progresses, it becomes unbearable. I can no longer even be friends with this guy due to how entirely disrespected I feel about how he was about things so important to me. It doesn't get better, only worse. Get out. Fast.

#3 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 12:56 PM

is a Time Lord

3,985 Posts
785 Achievements

@ Have you tried honestly telling him how the mocking, etc. makes you feel? Maybe if you tell him right up front that it bothers you when he mocks your religion or your choice of diet/lifestyle, that it bothers you and that you can't see how he can love you so much and yet make you feel badly about your principles/beliefs, maybe he'll realize that he needs to change some of his behaviors and be more in tune with you.

Otherwise, if I were you, I'd just be honest.
Tell him that despite how he feels, you simply can't be comfortable having a future with someone who can't share or at least respect your beliefs.

Selling My CWs

#4 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 1:01 PM

Donated to the Cash Shop

2,253 Posts
515 Achievements

@Heatherness
I want to, but I don't know how. It's his first relationship and he constantly tells me that I'm the "greatest thing that's ever happened to him" and it just fills me with guilt and regret... something I'm afraid will really hurt him if I told him how I feel about it all now.

@Stormborn
I haven't had that kind of conversation with him... yet. I told him that what he said was very rude when he said it, but he still said other things after that (different days). It makes me feel as if he thinks my religion is a joke but his is something to take seriously.

Dance with Millgret

-My dA-

#5 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 1:23 PM

is a Billionaire

2,454 Posts
629 Achievements

@

Mine said the same thing to me. I held on for so long because I thought I should because it was so important to him, but I was beyond miserable. Now, in retrospect, looking back I realize that if he cared about me half as much as he said he did, he wouldn’t have said and done the things that he knew were hurtful. I am a person who never regrets anything and my only regret in life was staying with him as long as I did. I was so miserable. He would go on and on about how wonderful I was, but was constantly belittling me and my beliefs. It didn't mesh. I'm now engaged to the most wonderful guy I've ever met and I've never in my life been as happy. It's so wonderful to be accepted for who I am entirely.

#6 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 2:56 PM

Tongue Wagger

2,916 Posts
374 Achievements

@
Just going to say it's impossible to break things off and not hurt the person if they really are happy with you. But that does not mean that you should stay with them just to spare their feelings. Each person in the relationship deserves true happiness. If you're unhappy and don't think it'll work, walk away. Yes, he'll be hurt (probably even more since it's his first relationship), but he'll get over it in time.

If you do break up with him, be honest. Tell him that you just feel like you're too different and better suited as friends (if you would like to remain friends). If you want to continue to try with the relationship though, still be honest with him. Tell him that it hurts you when he mocks you and that you want him to stop.

But, bottom line, do not feel like a bad person for being unhappy. It's not like you're doing anything wrong. You're different, and that's okay. Just maybe it means you don't fit well together. And neither of you would be at fault for that.

#7 :: May 21st, 2012 @ 6:35 PM

Tongue Wagger

1,758 Posts
155 Achievements

@

Just have a talk with him some time and be very calm and collected about it. Try to avoid talking to him right after he pisses you off so you go off the handle and say stuff you don't mean and risk you taking it all back.
I've never broken up with anyone but I know how that situation can be and it's horrible. You just feel like you aren't taken seriously. I knew a girl who was christian (I believe) and on facebook she would very rarely but occasionally make statuses like "Going to church with the fam

" and he would post actual paragraphs just bashing religion. And like the really buttheade kind of bashing things that make you feel like a total idiot. It took her forever but she finally broke up with him, to be honest I'm not sure how. It was a bad breakup.
I think just tell him you need to talk, tell him you're sorry and that you love him but aren't in love with him and emphasize that you are very unhappy in the relationship. He might tell you he'll change and you have to resist the urge to just give in and say okay. I myself was a bit like this with my boyfriend... I would be annoying and kind of pick on him a bit and he would want to end it and I'd freak out and be like NO NO NO I CAN CHANGE then he'd give me another chance and I'd blow it... we're still dating (a lot of big life changing events happened with me so I've actually changed a lot haha) but my point is that a person may beg you for a second chance, claim they'll try, etc, but they usually ALWAYS fall back.
And also remember that you really do not want to stay with someone who 1) Makes fun of your religion in such a way and 2) Mocks and doesn't even consider your life choices.
I've been a vegetarian over 10 years and when I started dating my boyfriend he wasn't one at all. He asked me about it and I told him why (meat industry is awful) and he actually decided based off that to be a vegetarian and he's pretty serious about it, which makes me incredibly happy. Even if he had just tried to be one for a week I would still be so happy. It's nice to date people that actually respect your beliefs and take them seriously.

Forumset by ME

Art Auction ends January 7th!

Tumblrrr

#8 :: May 22nd, 2012 @ 11:32 AM

Le Extreme Spammer

3,077 Posts
252 Achievements

@ I was in a similar situation, and the only solution I found was to end it. After I left and was able to analyze it without all of that emotional haze I realized he was manipulating me and how dysfunctional the relationship really was.

Bring these things up, if he brushes them off, then I would strongly suggest ending it.

Until you get married and/or have kids then you are very much two individuals. You have to look out for yourself because no one else will.

#9 :: May 23rd, 2012 @ 8:57 AM

Donated to the Cash Shop

2,253 Posts
515 Achievements

@Heatherness @Illosu @Kuron @Dandelina

I talked to him last night and we discussed why we were two completely different people. We both agreed on that, but he wanted to "pause" (HIMYM reference) and focus on finals which I thought was fair enough because that's next week and worth a good portion of our grades. Which does mean there is more to talk about, but he was right about finals. Anyway we agreed we'd still be friends if we did break up. I thought I got my point across at least. He texts me thirty minutes later telling me he thinks it'll still work out between us. I don't feel that way. I feel like I'm the only person that see's the bigger picture in this relationship. It's almost as if he's ignoring the fact that our core values are nothing alike. I tried to make it his idea, or at least get him thinking about it, but it didn't work that way and it looks like I'm back to point A again until finals are over because he doesn't want to talk about it...

One thing that got to me was what he said after the conversation and before he texted me later:
"If I went vegetarian, or mostly-vegetarian, would you go Catholic?"

Edit:

I would like to thank you for the help though. I don't think I would've even gotten to the conversation at least without it.

Last Edit by: Millgret 5/23/12 - 8:59:30 am

Dance with Millgret

-My dA-

#10 :: May 23rd, 2012 @ 10:02 AM

Tongue Wagger

2,916 Posts
374 Achievements

@
I'm glad you talked about it. I wouldn't say you're all the way back to the beginning though. He seems to be in a bit of denial, but now he knows what's on your mind, so when you talk to him again and break it off, it wouldn't be a complete surprise.

As for the vegetarian/Catholic thing... Wow. I don't think he understands that it just doesn't work that way.

Just stay firm in your decision and keep thinking about what is best for you.

Last Edit by: User not found (1): Illosu 5/23/12 - 10:03:36 am

#11 :: May 23rd, 2012 @ 11:30 AM

is a Billionaire

2,454 Posts
629 Achievements

@

He sounds so much like my ex-mistake, it's not even funny. He'd say things like "yeah I think your beliefs are dumb but so what? That doesn't matter". Um, yes it does? It matters more than anything. Some people don't see anything but the tree in front of them and are oblivious to the forest surrounding them. Anyone that genuinely cares about you on a level that every person deserves will never, ever mock your beliefs or anything that you hold dear. If they do, then they aren't even worthy of friendship. In order to be friends, there's a mutual respect there. There's no mutual respect if he doesn't respect you enough to value your values. I do hope everything works out for you.

#12 :: May 23rd, 2012 @ 3:36 PM

The Helper

2,464 Posts
445 Achievements

@

I think it's great you confronted him about it!

Although I don't think he understood the issue at all. He can't say he'll turn Vegetarian if you agree to be a Catholic. Converting to a religion, and especially that one, is way more extensive and it takes a year of training before you can be baptized as a Catholic. Is he seriously thinking you'd sacrifice a year of religious studies for him if he just "partly" joined your lifestyle?

To me it sounds like he's not respecting your opinion and life styles and that he's just trying to manipulate you to come back to him. His attitude about how you should cook meat when you get hitched sounds to me like he's kinda trying to find a housewife that obeys him.

Also, finding out someone is the one after a week? Kinda fast!

My Tumblr! Fandoms, fun and rants.

#13 :: May 24th, 2012 @ 9:30 AM

Is a Survivor

1,227 Posts
445 Achievements

@
Ugh, I have been there. It's a horrible situation and I feel with you.

You do not want to stay with him because you don't want to hurt him. That's like saying he's a more important person to you than yourself.
I'd suggest zero tolerance to his mocking. If he does it, don't laugh or brush it off. Take it up, tell him in a calm but dead serious way that you do NOT want to be talked to that way. If he tells you you're silly and it didn't mean anything serious, tell him what it means to you. If he doesn't understand or doesn't WANT to understand, dump his ass for being so disrespectful.
You can get better than this. It'll be hard, yes, but you do not want to stay in it if he keeps disrespecting you.

About nine months ago, my now ex had gotten me way down in the dirt, telling me I was stupid and making me feel grateful that a person such as himself wanted to be with me. I had stayed with him because I wanted to make it work, but in the end, it was just guilt that kept me there. I confronted him about it numerous times and he ended up whining that he had always been called dumb and therefore he felt the need to bring others down to feel smarter. Then he got his mom to call me and be angry at me.
I'm so glad I'm rid of him.

duckie - tumblr - dA

#14 :: May 24th, 2012 @ 8:55 PM

Donated to the Cash Shop

2,253 Posts
515 Achievements

@Illosu @Heatherness @Nymfetamin @Sound

I ended it today and I do feel significantly better. So much for waiting until finals passed... oops. But he actually did not seem hurt at all for loving me so much.
Again, thank you.

Edit:

Actually now he's acting like there was never anything between us, and he already has another girl in mind that he felt the need to tell me about.

Last Edit by: Millgret 5/24/12 - 10:40:41 pm

Dance with Millgret

-My dA-

#15 :: May 25th, 2012 @ 3:04 AM

Is a Survivor

1,227 Posts
445 Achievements

@

I'm glad you're feeling better. He's trying to make you jealous. Just ignore it.
Best of luck in the future

duckie - tumblr - dA

#16 :: May 25th, 2012 @ 8:10 AM

is a Billionaire

2,454 Posts
629 Achievements

@

Aren't you glad you ended it now rather than investing more of your time? I'm happy for you. You will be MUCH happier. Mine felt the need to say inappropriate things about religious girls after we ended it...which again, if you loved me, why would you do that? But people like that are just horrible human beings. If you need to vent or have any problems, feel free to message me any time you like.