Strangers telling you to smile

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#1 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 1:29 PM

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I never thought I'd be one of those women with one of these stories. But no, now I can say I'm one of them! And I'm still too pissed off to really want to go into details about what happened..anyone else feel like sharing a time when this bullcrap happened to them?

#2 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 1:38 PM

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People tell me to smile all the time...I'm kinda surprised, I'm not actually pissed or sad whenever people say it to me, its just my normal face. I just don't smile a whole lot because I'm usually in my own world...

#3 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 2:00 PM

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I've only had this happen to me once. I was carrying some drinks out of the store and, well not exactly frowning but I was irritated. This woman grabbed me by the arm, nearly made me drop what I was carrying and startled me, and told me I ought to smile. She kept asking me to smile for her and I kept shaking my head. My mom knew her and later told me that her daughter had died and she hates seeing people unhappy, but it still freaked me out a little.

#4 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 2:43 PM

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Most vague opening post ever.

I can see how telling someone who is upset to smile can be annoying/frustrating, but I don't think it's THAT bad. In this day and age, there is a hell of a lot worse someone could do then telling them to smile. Situations where the person is like a psycho in Carpathia's story excluded, of course.

#5 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 3:50 PM

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Never happened to me. People actually tell me to stop smiling and/or laughing.

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#6 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 4:01 PM

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Hmm. Once people see me smile they tell me to keep smiling. Apparently I have a nice smile, although I don't see how. I hate it, my eyes get all bunched up.

@

So what did happen? Hard to commiserate without knowing what for.

@

Wtf, why would they tell you to stop?

Last Edit by: Faruzah 6/19/12 - 4:02:16 pm

#7 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 4:09 PM

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Quote By @Magic:

Most vague opening post ever.

I can see how telling someone who is upset to smile can be annoying/frustrating, but I don't think it's THAT bad. In this day and age, there is a hell of a lot worse someone could do then telling them to smile. Situations where the person is like a psycho in Carpathia's story excluded, of course.

It's really not that vague, as the subject gets several million hits on Google..and the argument that it's "not that bad" is pretty much useless as you could say it about anything.

The idea that a stranger is trying to impose their will on you, and it's usually to women, is very sexist and not at all appreciated. It happened to me at work today from this butthead training to be a new manager and it really put me off. I don't know if I want to say anything about it to anyone at work. I don't want him thinking he can talk like that to subordinates or any other woman.

#8 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 4:13 PM

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I have to admit that I overdo it some times. Especially in the mornings. Some of my co-workers are no morning persons... which I'm actually also none. But when I'm at work (what is at least 1 and a half hour after I got up) I'm all giddy XD and ready to entertain them all (or when I had night shift I can't help but be silly and happy.. it's maybe the lack of sleep). For some it's just too much at this horrible hour of day (7 a.m.)

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#9 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 4:17 PM

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Wait, what? Was he suggesting you smile more because it makes you prettier or because customers want to see a smiling, happy person? One situation is very sexist and borderline harassment, and one is just the downside to working in the service industry. If he's harassing you, you damn well better say something about it.

@

Ha, I can see that. When I'm overtired I get really hyper and giddy and my coworkers end up thinking I'm nuts. XD

#10 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 4:48 PM

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@ That's what I don't know. I work in the stock room. And he said it 3 hours before the store even opened to the public. All of my female coworkers are pretty damn grumpy looking, so I don't understand why I was singled out. He continued to comment on me the rest of the day, while never making a single remark to my other coworkers.

Like I said, this has never happened to me before. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. I am pretty much a feminist and that obviously colors a lot of things in a certain way for me, but is that a good enough of a reason to possibly put a black mark on someone's career? Maybe he's just got Asperger's. I don't know. But it doesn't make me feel good that it happened. It's been bothering me all day. And he is a total douche in general, he kept turning up our radio really loud and turning off the lights when we were trying to relax on the lunch we were forced to take yesterday. If he was a super nice guy, I don't think I'd be quite so upset by it.

#11 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 5:14 PM

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I think you're getting overly upset at something that's not meant to be degrading or anything like that. I had someone tell me to smile once and it kind of confused me... I was walking to my apartment with headphones in and from what people have told me I look super pissed when I walk around campus (I'm always off in my own world when I listen to music), and suddenly this guy was like "SMILE, IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL ON YOU!" but since I had headphones in I didn't hear him, but I got startled and stopped and stared and was just like "...what?" and then he clearly felt really awkward and quietly repeated himself and walked past me. I wasn't really offended at all just kinda confused.
I say just don't worry about it, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.

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#12 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 6:09 PM

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I don't think that's ever happened to me.. but I remember one time when I worked at a grocery store I had to work cashier at 7 a.m. and of course it's completely empty in the store so I'm just leaning up against the register looking like tired death and this customer walks into the store and is like "are you tired??? you need to look perky for the day!" or something stupid like that and i'm just thinking love you it is 7 a.m. on a saturday this is not where I want to be rn

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#13 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 6:14 PM

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I've had people tell me to smile/smile more since I was little:| Smiling all the time just feels unnatural to me, and I guess my natural expression looks unhappy...it hasn't happened as much as I've gotten older, probably partly because I do try to open up my face more if that makes sense. But yes, it is always quite annoying to be told that when you're not trying to look sad or angry.

There's not much you can do about it though, generally I feel that people who say that are doing it with good intentions, although there are always busybodies as well who seem to think you should always be cheerful. I would say my worst experience with this happening was in high school marching band. There was this one extremely irritating, nosy band mom who thought it would be nice to complain to the other moms about how I didn't look happy enough and was somehow making the whole band look bad. Thankfully my friends had some great moms who told her off, but it was still very hurtful that someone would say that about me.

Last Edit by: Rorschach 6/19/12 - 6:19:44 pm

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#14 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 6:20 PM

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@ It's more the principle. I believe this is very sexist, and I don't think the workplace should tolerate sexism one bit. This guy is going to be put in a position of power over a group of mostly female workers. And this is an environment where if you don't suck up to your superiors, you get crap for hours, and they will try to never give you your breaks unless you beg for them. To a loser like this guy, that's a lot of power to trip with. I just don't see it working out well.

#15 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 6:56 PM

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I highly doubt this is a sexist issue. Just because you're a women and he isn't doesn't make it about your gender. I've seen both female and male superiors say the same thing to both male and female employees collectively. Telling someone to smile is pretty common in the workforce. Granted, if no customer is seeing you, I'd doubt you'd need to. Maybe he likes you? Hell who knows but unless he's leering over all the women this says nothing about sexism. Sounds like it's a you thing for him.

Last Edit by: Lacie 6/19/12 - 6:57:00 pm

#16 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:07 PM

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@ If one Googles it, one can clearly see that this is a huge issue to many feminists. These things don't become issues unless they replicate themselves many times.

I really don't think he has a "thing" for me since I look like man repellent in my work uniform. Plus he was outside the building with everyone when my husband dropped me off for work and kissed me goodbye. Even if he couldn't tell we're married, I think he could see that I'm taken.

#17 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:13 PM

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This has happened many times. I've even had a couple strangers (not complete strangers...friend of a friend) hug me because I wasn't smiling and to them I looked sad. Very uncomfortable, especially considering the fact that I don't really hug anyone outside of my family.

#18 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:23 PM

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Lol what attracts a person comes down to more than your crapty work clothes. Even if you're taken that doesn't stop people from being attracted to you. Maybe he's just one of 'those' people. He sounds obnoxious anyways so it could just be one of those things. I knew a kid in middle school who once spent the whole day going 'Are you happy? Are you happy?' to people. It was just his idiot way of being an idiot. He thought it was funny. No one else did.

To me this just isn't sexism. If he was haunting all the women, really truly being demeaning to every female staff member, then I'd say yes. But to me this is an oversensitivity. You said it up there that it wouldn't be such an issue if he was nice. But he isn't, he's an idiot, you don't like him, he's a man who is going to be in a superiority position, and so that is what comes up first that he's being sexist. If it were a woman it wouldn't even be an issue other than an annoyance. It's not actually wrong to tell a person to smile especially in a work environment. Stupid depending on the position, yes, but not wrong. I'm sure there's tons of hits on google about it from feminists. Most anything where a man says something to a woman they don't want to hear turns into an issue. I'm not a feminist. I believe in equality and I try and look at things from an equal viewpoint. I've also had a man say that to me before because I was forgetting to smile. He said it to other staff members of both gender equally when we were wandering off course and it was looking unpleasant. And I've had women say it too. It doesn't seem sexist to me. I've seen some very obvious sexism and this fires no alarms. Maybe you had to be there though.

Edit:

I do want to say though, sexist or not, in any case where someone makes you uncomfortable at work, I think it should be taken seriously and be dealt with! If it really makes you unhappy maybe take it to a decent superior.

Last Edit by: Lacie 6/19/12 - 7:28:52 pm

#19 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:30 PM

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I used to get that a lot, but then I was depressed. I didn't think I was, but that's what having a crapty childhood will do for you; 'unhappy' was the norm. I thought I was just lazy because I didn't really feel like doing anything and had to, usually, force myself to go places.
I didn't realize how incredibly sad I looked or how sad I actually was. I know that sounds stupid, but. I had just sort of shut down sometime when I was a kid. I was numb to it.

I'm better now and I don't get that any more, but for a while there it was bad.
One time I was on a cruise and really was having fun, but this old guy walked up to me while I was reading and told me to smile. That I'd look "heavenly" if I smiled.
...Really?
Go away. I'm not here to be pretty. >:c I'm here to read this crap and eat inordinate amounts of icecream while I lounge in the sun.

#20 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:34 PM

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@ I understand that some women have had traumatic experiences with men and overreact to ones who aren't doing anything wrong. But I have perfectly good work relationships with the males who work at the store besides him. I'm friendly with everyone in the stock room. And yet this bothered me. It wasn't a sincere question, "Are you okay today?" or "How are you doing today?" It was a command, "Rachel, smile." Three different times and with the same douchebag tone and little laugh/smirk. No one else was smiling, and he said it to no one else. I was doing my job fine, my productivity was above average today. It's really easy to understand why someone who is up at 6:30 am in a stockroom full of crickets with no air conditioning and no fans running is not auto smiling. I don't see why else he would say it other than to aggravate me further.

#21 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:38 PM

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I'm thinking he's an butthead that needs a good boot up the behind to be honest. I wonder if he's got a chip about you somehow? It's a situation that creates a world of questions as to what the hell his problem is. If it's not at risk of your job I'd say something to him the next time he says it, or definitely take it to a superior. Maybe talk to your fellow stockroom ladies and see if they can play witness?

#22 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:40 PM

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Since I'm one of those people who's default face expression is "grumpy" (even when I'm not mad or unhappy — just neutral), I've been told to smile quite a bunch of times. It confuses me a bit, especially when it's the strangers that ask me to smile. In reply I just stare at them and wait for the explanations to their behaviour, they usually stare back at me, and then I move away from them awkwardly.
While being asked to smile doesn't offend me, and in fact I don't see anything offensive about this, I'd prefer if it wouldn't happen to me. I don't like being told what to do (in this case, to smile) unless there is a proper reason, and I get too nervous talking to strangers.

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#23 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:41 PM

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While it sounds like an annoying situation, I think you might be overreacting a little. He was telling you to smile, not telling you to kill your firstborn child. It sounds like he might have thought he was being cute/funny. What did you say to him when he said it?

#24 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:42 PM

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@ I think it would be better to just tell someone on the anonymous hotline, since he's not going to be at my store for longer than two weeks. That and I think I would start crying if I had to explain this to anyone in person, I'm terrible at confrontations.

@ Nothing, what is there to say to such a stupid comment that wouldn't get me in trouble?

Last Edit by: Dandelina 6/19/12 - 7:44:06 pm

#25 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:46 PM

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"Please stop saying that, I don't appreciate it." Or something similar. That really can't get you in trouble. How was he supposed to know that telling you to smile was not ok for you?

Last Edit by: Paisley 6/19/12 - 7:47:29 pm

#26 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:51 PM

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That's a good idea. If there's a hotline that's great. I understand being uncomfortable about confrontation!

#27 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:55 PM

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Aww.

That's sad that people tell you to stop. I knew a girl years ago who was constantly happy and smiling and she was easily one of the best people I've ever met because of it.

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#28 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:56 PM

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@ Because your face is no one else's business? Unless I'm purposely furrowing my brow and hissing at customers, it doesn't matter what I look like. For all he knows I have nerve damage and can't smile.

@ There is. I'll get the number tomorrow.

#29 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 7:58 PM

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Of course it's not his business, technically, but obviously he doesn't realize that. Why not tell him that? I don't get why you can't speak up and tell him you don't like something.

#30 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 8:05 PM

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@ Some things don't deserve a response to dignify them. This is one of those things. Causing a scene is not going to stop a guy who needs attention from doing what he did to get said attention.

#31 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 8:07 PM

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But you're going to report him to the hotline, so obviously this warranted a response in your eyes. I'm not trying to argue with you, if you were made uncomfortable by it then that's what really matters, I just don't see asking him to stop as causing a scene. It probably would have solved the issue.

#32 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 8:18 PM

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@ Dignified with a response to the person's face. Calling a hotline about a manager abusing their position is entirely different from feeding a troll.

#33 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 9:22 PM

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I've had people tell me to smile too, but not in an offensive way. I don't think it's that big a deal. I mean, I don't smile a lot these days, and I also have one of those faces where people think I'm pissed off or upset all the time when I'm just thinking. I went on vacation and people kept telling me I didn't smile enough, and so when I went back to school I tried smiling more, but then people started calling me fake. I mean wtf, where is the middle ground, haha. I've just resolved to go back to my original neutral expression, and just hope that people don't get scared off when I apparently look mad.

#34 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 9:33 PM

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@ Well my husband got off work and I told him what happened and he also went with the "I think he's flirting with you" direction. I guess I'm going to give the guy one last chance, and then if he does something, I'll report it. I wish I knew where I got this victim complex from.

#35 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 10:16 PM

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The next time someone does that to me, I think I'll go "For what reason?" Even if I'm not upset or anything.

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#36 :: June 19th, 2012 @ 10:35 PM

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I loveing want to smack people when they say 'Just cheer up!' Hey butthead, I suffer from depression. It's a clinical disorder, it's been diagnosed, and I take meds for it. If I could just loveing cheer up, don't you think I'd damn well do it already?! Because oh yes, being down all the time is soooo fun!! I enjoy being sad, crying, and wanting to sleep all day. It's how I loveing roll man! GOD.

#37 :: June 20th, 2012 @ 2:01 AM

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@ I agree that it's sexist in most cases (*edit: when said to women/girls/female-presenting people) and inappropriate in this one, regardless of what his intentions may or may not have been. Especially in the context you gave. It's one thing if you're at a register or something and you're dealing with customers face to face, in a work situation like that it's perfectly acceptable to tell employees to appear more cheerful. But if he singled you out and you were doing non-customer stuff anyway, yeah, that's annoying as hell.

I have to say though, few things annoy me more than when strangers tell me to smile. love off, I'm not here for your visual enjoyment, and I'm not going to censor my emotions so that YOU feel better. I'm allowed to express whatever emotions I actually feel when I'm not being paid to do otherwise, yeah? And when a stranger is telling you to do something like that, I mean, it's a stranger, so it's not like they're saying that because they want you to be happier. If they don't know you and are probably not going to see you again then it doesn't matter to them how you actually feel, it's all about them.

Last Edit by: viticus 6/20/12 - 2:01:27 am

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#38 :: June 20th, 2012 @ 3:02 AM

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I'd rather smile genuinely than with force. I try to tell everyone that, but they continue to nag on me, I have an Aspie meltdown (long story, but I'm writing a book on it, so don't worry), and then I somehow smile. I can understand that they don't like seeing me sad, so I try to be happy all the time. My idea of a "I'm fine" facial expression is norrrrrrmally a slight frown just because people that smile constantly freak me out, which I was actually doging about on Facebook earlier and it then turned into an internet argument which I somehow lost. (wtf)

But yeah. I can force one with the people that regularly tell me that overly used "TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN!" saying, just to save me time. XD

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#39 :: June 20th, 2012 @ 5:38 AM

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Before you call a hotline I do wish you would give him the chance to understand that what he's doing is aggravating. I understand wanting to avoid confrontation but it's the adult thing to do here. He needs to understand FROM you that his behavior is not ok. I've been in the reverse situation where my swearing made an employee uncomfortable. But instead of talking to me about it and giving me a chance to apologize to them, they reported me to higher ups, and the crap storm that resulted from it made me feel horrible. I can't speak for why he's telling you and only you to smile, but at least give him the chance to fix it himself.

#40 :: June 20th, 2012 @ 7:00 AM

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ohai ♥.

My parents tell me to smile a lot because I guess I look depressed all the time? Whenever they ask me to, however, I just respond by making the most grotesque face possible.

I'm so lady like n__n~

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