I just want to apologize

C
R
E
A
T
E

A
D

Subeta Forums > Chit-Chat

#1 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 2:26 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me, but I used to be the Freakout dog who'd flip when I didn't agree with what another user said. I did it in Debate, I did it in Chit Chat and I did it in whatever other forum I went to. It's absolutely embarrassing to remember.

I made this topic because I want to apologize to anyone I've been a dog to, as well as anyone who saw what I'd written. I wouldn't doubt there have been SubetaDrama topics about me and I have to say that I totally, completely, 100% agree with whatever they said. I was a dog. I was a genitals. I deserve the hate.

I'm on medications now that have brought me back to reality. They've defeated my depression, rid me of my irrational anger and have made me realize just what a horrible person I've been. I'm not making an excuse by saying that I have psychological, emotional and personality problems; it was entirely my fault. I could have forced myself to ignore what my feelings were telling me, as I knew they were unfounded, and not be a Richard. But instead I just let myself feel the anger and attack everyone who disagreed with me. I let myself be weak. I didn't even try to hold back. Instead of fighting myself, I fought everyone else.

I don't expect everyone to forgive me, because I said absolutely horrible things, but I wanted everyone to know just how sorry I am.

Before this username, I was Human. Before that, I was Piran. If any of those ring a bell, it's probably not in a good way and I am very, very sorry for that.

I am much better now that I am stabilized. Of course I still get angry, but it's natural anger and I'm fighting it. Even when I want to say awful things to others, I'm not. Because that's just the right thing to do. I'm not going to allow myself to be weak again.

Thanks for reading.

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#2 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 3:09 PM

is a Morostide Warrior

10,602 Posts
1,174 Achievements

@
/hugs
This is super-awkward cause I don't think we've ever really talked, but I've seen you around the forums for a long time. And I just wanted to say I've noticed a huge change in your posts lately. And I'm very glad to hear you're able to handle your anger problems now. As someone else who suffers from them and makes an ass of herself a lot, that gives me hope.

#3 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 3:12 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
//hugs
Thanks.

I've been wondering if people have noticed, so I'm glad you said so. ^^ Although it means that you've seen me at my worst. XD
I'm sure you'll be able to overcome your anger problems, too.

It's a really hard battle, but it's totally worth it!

Also, I just want to say that I LOVE your avatar! It's so pretty. :3

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#4 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 3:23 PM

is a Morostide Warrior

10,602 Posts
1,174 Achievements

@
Aw, thank you for the compliment, and the encouragement.

#5 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 7:45 PM

Is the Pumpkin King!

4,638 Posts
577 Achievements

@

I'm really glad to hear you are doing better! I bet it's a weight lifted off your shoulders to be less angry all the time. I've seen you around the forums (mainly in chit-chat) all the way back from your Piran days (we talked about your old username a few weeks ago when you changed to Rattata

), and I've noticed that you seemed a bit angry at times in the past. Still though, you sort of seemed like you were angry as a result of something, not your true personality. lol, I can't explain. I just had this feeling you were a decent person just going through some hard times. I'm glad things are starting to be brighter for you now, and I hope you are able to make peace with anyone you are apologizing to. : )

#6 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 7:52 PM

is fashionable

8,711 Posts
570 Achievements

I remember you as Piran. You spoke your mind a lot, but you also said some really nice things and stuck up for me on occasion as well. I liked you as a person, even though you disagreed with me on a few things. But hey, everyone's allowed to disagree, as long as they aren't rude about it, and I can't ever remember you being rude. It's good that you've changed and accepted the fact that you weren't at your best back then. I think it's brave and honourable to apologise

#7 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 10:01 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
Thanks.

Again, I don't want to be making excuses, but on top of the stuff that was already a problem with me, there've been a lot of things happening in my life these past 2 years. Doesn't excuse what I said, but that was at least part of it. Not like things aren't still crappy, but at least I'm being more positive about it, lol.

@
Thank you. ^^;
Yeah, I'm getting better at just disagreeing with people without flipping my crap. Although, there are times when I guess it's a bit more justified, like when someone IRL is being a complete Richard to me or someone else. //shrugs
Like I still flip out sometimes when my brother does something like steal from my parents or something of that nature. :c

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#8 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 10:13 PM

Is the Pumpkin King!

4,638 Posts
577 Achievements

@

You're welcome. ^^ If you ever want to rant about anything at all, feel free to comment me or whatever. ^^ I don't mind. c:

#9 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 10:17 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
Thanks, that's really sweet of you. ^^

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#10 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 10:36 PM

The Plushie Collector

9,124 Posts
612 Achievements

@
I remember you but I don't believe we chatted very often. I'm glad you got help and are doing much better. I suffered from major depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I know where you are coming from. Getting help is really hard but it's worth it. I wish you all the best.

#11 :: June 21st, 2012 @ 10:42 PM

is Darksided!

539 Posts
339 Achievements

@ we didn't chat often but i've seen you around the forums, i'm glad to hear you are getting help and you're feeling better

if you need anything or someone to rant to feel free to let me know

#12 :: June 22nd, 2012 @ 12:24 AM

Only has Room for One

138 Posts
125 Achievements

@
I'm new here so don't really know many people around here, but I want to say I am very happy for you to have found help C: I know my fair share of people who don't act right off their meds, but I know it's not them talking.
So I'm glad you are better now and hopefully my psychiatrist can find my problem as mild as it may be still scary having negative thoughts running through your head during unwanted situations. (sorry for babbling)

#13 :: June 22nd, 2012 @ 6:59 AM

Junior Archaeologist

12,407 Posts
1,065 Achievements

@Rattata

I don't think that we ever talked to each other but I read a lot of your postings in the past (way back when you were Piran) and yes, some of them made me go "What?!"
Unlike Archer I think I totally missed out on your name changes so I didn't know that you are Rattata now.

Anyways, it takes a lot of courage to make such a topic I'm sure and I admire you for that especially because you didn't try to put all blame on your depression. I am glad to hear that you are doing better now and I wish you all the best for the future!!

Overlay by .

#14 :: June 22nd, 2012 @ 12:06 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
Thanks.

I'm glad you were able to get help as well! It really is worth it. Living with depression and personality issues is hard on everyone, both ourselves and those around us.

@
Thank you, that's really kind!

@
//hugs
Thank you and I hope that your own problems will be fixed. I know what it's like to have those negative thoughts, especially during the worst situations. Before I got medication for it, I'd be feeling not too bad... then the negative thoughts came and I'd be back into my depression. I just couldn't get them out of my mind.
Stay strong!

@
Thanks. ^^;
Yeah... I'm going wtf over my own posts. >_< Now that I'm feeling better, I'm realizing just what an butthead I was. Sometimes I come across other people on other websites that write posts like my old ones and I just stop and stare at them, because it's like seeing my old self again. Not a good feeling. The worst thing is that I can't really tell them that they need to seek help and that it's worth it, because I know all too well that when one's in that state, they're not going to be receptive to that at all. It just doesn't even compute, really. I know that I didn't even want to get better, because I felt that everyone else was at fault, not me. I know that's not the case now, though and so I feel just awful. *_*

I admit that part of my reason for changing my name to my current one was to put that behind me. I was only just starting my medication then and I thought maybe I could just... start over on here. But I've been feeling really guilty about it, so I decided to make this post. I guess it's another step in the right direction? I hope so...

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#15 :: June 22nd, 2012 @ 1:05 PM

Gets Around

5,159 Posts
558 Achievements

------

@
I remember you as Piran... but I don't remember you being rude XD;

CLASSY
love

my photography tumblr

#16 :: June 22nd, 2012 @ 4:54 PM

The Plushie Collector

9,124 Posts
612 Achievements

@
It really is hard to live with. Just as I think I'm no longer Borderline, it rears it's ugly head around to remind me I still am. For me, it got to the point where I sat down and said to myself, "I can keeping going the direction I'm going and not get anywhere in life or I can admit I have problems and get help." I chose to get help because staying in the same place wasn't an option for me anymore. I'm sure you felt the same way.

#17 :: June 23rd, 2012 @ 9:42 AM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
Maybe not to you, then.

@
Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. I also have a ton of support from my girlfriend. Without her, I wouldn't have made it this far.

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#18 :: June 23rd, 2012 @ 9:48 AM

is a Sun-Worshipper

2,816 Posts
520 Achievements

@Rattata
I don't think I've ever seen you around. But I'm pretty sure...
all someone like YOU needs...
is a hug <3
*huggle attack*~

Right now my HA might be Captain America, but I'm a girl ^-^

#19 :: June 23rd, 2012 @ 9:53 AM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
Thanks. <3
//hugs back :3

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#20 :: June 23rd, 2012 @ 11:29 AM

The Plushie Collector

9,124 Posts
612 Achievements

@
I'm glad you have such a wonderful girlfriend to support you. My parents have been really supportive and I have a few good friends that have been my rocks. My theattacker was the best though. Sadly she moved away and I haven't seen another one but I've been doing okay.

#21 :: June 24th, 2012 @ 12:26 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
I'm glad that your parents and friends have been supportive of you.

A support network is definitely the most important thing to have when dealing with stuff like this.
Sorry your theattacker moved away.

Maybe there'll be another one in your area that you could see, just so you have another person there that supports you. It's good that you've been doing well, though. :3

If you ever need to talk, you can sMail me. ^^

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.

#22 :: June 24th, 2012 @ 12:35 PM

The Plushie Collector

9,124 Posts
612 Achievements

@
My theattacker told me her replacement was really good and knew she would help me but it took a long time for her to get on the insurance plan. Once she did, I was low on money so I never made the appointment. Now I probably could every other week but I still just haven't gotten around to making the appointment nor have I really needed to.

A supportive network is a must, esp when it comes to a personality disorder. But I can honestly say I've doing 100 times better than I was 2 years ago. I don't think as much in black and white and my self esteem is up.

Thanks, and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always around. Even if I'm not online, I always respond when I get back.

#23 :: June 24th, 2012 @ 7:25 PM

is a Time Lord

4,605 Posts
611 Achievements

@
Well, if you really feel you can do without a theattacker, that's great.

Thanks. ^^

* * * * * *

I saw the constellations reveal themselves one star at a time.