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C R E A T E A D |
Feelings for an Ex
| #1 :: July 3rd, 2012 @ 10:47 AM | |
 TrojanNewbie   14 Posts 119 Achievements  
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I was in a relationship that ended last year with a lass, we'd been together for a year and 9 months, the problem is, it's been just over a year since we broke up but I still can't stop thinking about her and still have feelings for her, another problem is she has Subeta too, uses it a lot more than me, she actually introduced me to Subeta so I'm scared in case she reads this and never speaks to me again, we don't speak often, once every few months to see how each other's getting on, and I like that we still keep in touch and haven't just completely cut each other off.
I never found out and actual reason as to why we broke up and it bothers me everyday thinking about it, i have idea's why but no definite answer, it sometimes gets in the way of me being with other girls, sometimes because I can't stop thinking about her, others because it still feels like cheating, I have been in two very very short relationships after her but even when I was with those girls I still couldn't stop thinking about her, And it bothers me also the thought of her with other guys, I can't stand it, it really sets me off even though I know if she hasn't already she will be with other guys at some point. I took the break up really bad, I kept trying to get her back and when I realised that would never happen I done some really stupid things, we stay relatively close so there is always the chance we will bump into each other, which if I'm honest I kinda want, I haven't seen her in so long, although she'll be moving away soon as will I around winter, at the time I tried everything to get her back but it just wasn't for her, but being honest she was the best thing to happen to me, I have had a good upbringing compared to some people but it's had it's rough and harsh times like everyone else to, but the best times of my life were all with her. So to sum it all up and get to the point, pretty much everyday I still think about her, I still have very strong feelings for her and can't seem to move on, I have theory's as to why but it doesn't solve the problem. Is anyone else going/been through the same situation? Any advice or help on what to do? Also this is my first ever topic I normally just play games but I thought I'd give this a try. Sorry for it being long.
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| #2 :: July 5th, 2012 @ 7:55 AM | |
| BreakingTheFaith is a mall rat.   356 Posts 469 Achievements |
 @Trojan Sticky situation Sir. Honestly the first step seems to be, you need to find out the real reason the split happened. Sounds like it would be a big thing for what's going for you. And as far as what to do about the Lass, the only thing you can do is talk to her. Nothing will get solved unless words are spoken. |
| #3 :: July 5th, 2012 @ 9:17 AM | |
 VOLGAis a Time Lord  5,654 Posts 423 Achievements |
 Yeah, as already mentioned, finding out the reason for break-up is number one priority. Just ask her, tell her you've been wondering for a while... if she's not a passive-aggressive child about it, she'll probably just tell you. If you've been trying all this time to win her favour and she has not expressed interest in any way, then I think it might be hopeless. It will probably be easier once you both move away. It's natural to feel that attached to someone you've been with for that long, especially after a vague breakup... the only way it's not going to leave any residual feelings is if they've done something awful and caused you to hate them.
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| #4 :: July 5th, 2012 @ 3:45 PM | |
| Fierce Forum Grand Master  15,763 Posts 927 Achievements |
 I had a really hard time getting over my first serious relationship, especially since it turned into an on again off again thing which is just torture for the heart. I'd consider yourself lucky she knows it's not you she wants and is able to steer clear. I wish my ex was more like her. I used to go out to the bars basically every night in hopes of running into him, would send multiple e-mails daily... call 40+ times (usually drunk) it's embarrassing to look back on haha but it's all part of being human and learning from our mistakes or past. Honestly the only thing that will get you over anything is time and if you're still all about her, you need more of it. Dating others is a great way to realize that maybe you deserve/want something different. With time everything will sort of just fade and even if you think about her, it wont be as bad. I ponder what my ex is up to some times but honestly, I don't really care anymore. If people don't want you, don't act like a dog begging at their leg... do your own thing and find something new. 
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| #5 :: July 5th, 2012 @ 5:57 PM | |
| Dead Silly Spamming Sausage  405 Posts 448 Achievements |
I pretty much did the same thing your ex did, and I feel guilty for it every day. About seven months ago I broke it off with my boyfriend of a year and a half and never gave him a reason why. I feel bad, but I just can't bring myself to tell him why I did it. To me it just sounds like you just need some closure as to why she left yo and it'll help you move on.
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| #6 :: July 7th, 2012 @ 3:42 AM | |
| Trojan Newbie 14 Posts 119 Achievements |
Thank you all for the feedback, it's appreciated, I feel a bit better now.
@BreakingTheFaith - at the time she said it just wasn't working for her, i never found out what exactly wasn't working, just that no matter what I did, tried or offered to do didn't or wouldn't get her back. If I'm honest I'm happy were still friends and keep in touch rather than not talking at all or caring, Thanks. @VOLGA - yeah, she's not like that, she's really mature for our age, and she never ever done anything that upset or hurt me, except leave me, I haven't tried to get her back since last year, I kinda gave up, she still keeps in touch which means a lot to me, Thank you. @Fierce - That sounds really harsh, I feel sorry for you, i kinda took your advice as well as everyone else's, trying to get like dating again, been talking to a lass and got a date next sunday. Thanks. @Dead - if you don't mind me asking, why did you? I think it would be better if she was happy now, as long as she's happy, I can't really ask for much more, if you know what I mean like as in it's better her being happy and single or in a relationship with someone else rather than not being happy but being with me. I'll be ok, guess I'll just have to adapt and move on. Thank you. Thank you all again for your help and advice, it's much appreciated.
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| #7 :: July 7th, 2012 @ 5:43 AM | |
| Sharisa the Snowman  4,406 Posts 460 Achievements |
It's definitely okay to be sad after being in a relationship. Some people take a few weeks, others take months, where as some take years. It really depends on the person. The only time it gets 'unhealthy' is when it starts to affect things like your mental, and physical health a lot. By that I mean for example, not sleeping every night which results in sleep deprivation. Also another piece of advice I can give you is keep talking to people, don't bottle things all in. It's good to let things out. I think the best thing you can do right now is find out the reason why you guys broke up in the first place. Like you said, it's been bothering you for a very long time. If that question is never answered, you'll have a very hard time moving on because the "what if's" questions are going to constantly be in your mind. This will result in thinking about her and dwelling on everything. Maybe call her up and tell her you'd like to meet up for coffee or something. Then just discuss to her what you just told us then ask if she can tell you the reason why you guys broke up and things like what went wrong in the relationship. Just remember that the only thing you can ask for really is for the person you love to be happy with their life and hope that she ends up with a good person. 
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| #8 :: July 10th, 2012 @ 2:09 AM | |
| viticus Is the Pumpkin King!  1,418 Posts 258 Achievements |
 I make - currently closed - @Trojan I'm sorta going through the same thing. I'm gonna explain so you know where I'm coming from: my ex and I were dating for 2 years, I was 100% sure we were going to get married, when he broke it off. I had to move out of our apartment and back in with my parents. That was in December. I've had moments where I thought I was over it, but I saw his car in town the other day and realized I'm def. not. Unfortunately he and I aren't on good terms anymore. I'll send him messages once in a while that he will just ignore, which is fine, I know we couldn't be friends even if he wanted to. But it kinda sucks. Anyway, the first few months it was REALLY tough for me because he kept giving me different reasons as to why he wanted to break up. First he wasn't even sure and we ended up not splitting up, but it was obvious he didn't feel the same. When I asked if he didn't love me he said "I guess so?" which haunted me for months, and then afterwards he would say stuff like "We don't have anything in common," "we don't want the same things out of life," "you've changed," etc. all of which were crap answers. He was grasping at straws trying to find any excuse other than "I just don't feel the same." I realize that now. Eventually he sent me a message on facebook saying that the reason was "we split off when we moved here" (we moved out together) and essentially just grew apart. Ultimately that makes the most sense to me, but I've realized that even if I'm not truly over him, it doesn't matter what his reasons were. You can't make someone stay with you if they don't want to - that is selfish and a bad situation all around. And it's not love. You just have to accept that she knows what is best for her and that this is something she wants, regardless of what her reasons are. Sometimes there isn't a reason other than, you just know that person isn't who you're meant to be with right now. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you, it doesn't mean that something happened or you could have prevented it or that you could/can "fix" it. That's just how feelings are. I wish there was a how-to book on letting go, I really do, because I'm with you. I think about him all the time. I think about "what if I had reacted to the breakup differently," "what if we hadn't moved in together," what if what if what if. The truth is that I could have done everything right and he might have still broken up with me. In fact, there have been a couple situations since the breakup that I know he couldn't have handled if we were still together (i.e. me being hospitalized). So in some ways I'm very grateful that we aren't together anymore. Do I miss him? Absolutely. I wish that there was just an off switch for those feelings because I know I need to let go, I want to, I want to move on, hell, theres even another guy I have a lot of interest in right now and I hope someday he and I can be together instead, cause I know my ex and I are never getting back together. But there really isn't any way to let it go on purpose. It just has to happen. I think you know that's what you need to do. I'm sorry there isn't a better way to do it. But I wish you luck and virtual hugs and if you need someone to talk to ever just send me an sMail. I promise I won't always talk about myself so much lol, it was just relevant and I wanted to be able to draw parallels without leaving you in the dark or anything.
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| #9 :: July 10th, 2012 @ 7:15 PM | |
| Trojan Newbie 14 Posts 119 Achievements |
@Sharisa - Yeah I try not to let it bother me but sometimes I can't help it, I don't really talk to anyone about my problems or anything, I don't really bottle them up either I just kinda ignore them, I don't like talking about stuff like that, I think meeting up and talking about it now is way out the question if I'm honest, I don't want to ruin being friends and I think if I were to try that or bring it up it just wouldn't go down well at all, as long as she's happy I don't really mind, as long as we keep in touch, I understand what your saying though it has helped, Thank you! (just noticed I've put far too many "I's" in that paragraph.)
@viticus - It's kinda good knowing someone else going through the same thing, just not really good on what it is were going through, I feel really sorry for you, we were both still young and I'd just left high school at the time, I think it was the fact I'd moved a little further away and only seen her every two weeks for 3-4 days, but when it came to it I offered to move back and everything but nothing worked, we speak every now and then though which is good, just to see that each other's getting on all right and stuff which means a lot to me, I know how you feel too about knowing neither of you are getting back together, it's one of the things that hurt the most but I think eventually I'll be all right, and you don't have to, I kinda like listening to other peoples problems and helping out where I can even if it's just listening or giving advice or something but this has bothered me for a while so I thought I'd try get help here, Thank you!
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| #10 :: July 11th, 2012 @ 8:49 AM | |
| Fiain is a Time Lord  621 Posts 345 Achievements |
Your post was so beautiful @ __ @ thank you. Last Edit by:
Fiain 7/11/12 - 8:49:26 am
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| #11 :: July 11th, 2012 @ 11:41 AM | |
| viticus Is the Pumpkin King! 1,418 Posts 258 Achievements |
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| #12 :: July 16th, 2012 @ 7:25 PM | |
| giraffes is a Sun-Worshipper  407 Posts 456 Achievements |
@Trojan
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| #13 :: July 17th, 2012 @ 12:24 AM | |
| Chidiot is a Skilled Hooker  2,354 Posts 376 Achievements |
 @Trojan I haven't been in this situation personally, but I've got friends that have. Two of my friends were in an eight month relationship. Towards the end, they broke up and made up the next day at least two different times. He finally ended it for good, which left her devastated. Even though I haven't been in this situation before, I understand that it hurts, I really do. But honestly, it's best not to try to get her back. My friend has been trying to get her ex back whenever he offers to be friends again, and it merely just pushes him away further. It's to the point where mutual friends are choosing to side with him or her, and I'm one of those rare people that refuses to side with just one person. I support both of them. It's been rough since last August, honestly. About...two months ago, I guess, I began texting her about it. It hurt her not because of the time length of the relationship, but because he was her first boyfriend. At this point, it was obvious that they would never get back together. I think she knew it, but she didn't want to accept it, which only made it harder on her. I talked to her, explained that they just weren't meant to be. I then told her that, given time, she will find someone else. She just needed to be willing to let him go. Which, it obviously won't happen overnight. But, I'm pleased to say that it seems like she's not trying to win him back anymore. I know this because this is my bf's brother, so I do hear about him often. I'm sure it's been at least a month where he hasn't brought up how she was trying to get back together with him. It simply just takes time to accept it. Sometimes, it will take longer than others. Just remember, at least you have her as a friend and not an enemy at this point. You just need to take it in on your own. Realize that, at least she is still in your life as a friend, if nothing else. When it comes to new girls, just try to become friends. Get to know new girls, make new friends. The first few dates may be hard because you may still have feelings for your ex, but don't give up. Eventually, no matter how long it may take, you will get through this and be able to be with another girl without feeling any guilt or sorrow. Considering how I don't have personal experience, I'm sorry if this isn't as helpful as other advice that you've received. But I hope everything turns out better! |
| #14 :: July 17th, 2012 @ 10:09 PM | |
| Richal Only has Room for One  21 Posts 109 Achievements |
She probably doesn't exactly know why herself. Maybe she just knows she doesn't feel the same and can't explain it. Feelings change with time once the honeymoon phase wears off - it isn't personal I'm sure, but for your own clarity and closure, be sure to talk to her, then tell yourself to move on. Don't tell yourself that she might change her mind, because you'll only torture yourself. I believe in you!
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| #15 :: July 18th, 2012 @ 4:56 AM | |
| Trojan Newbie 14 Posts 119 Achievements |
@glowiistikk - I don't really know what to say, I'm pretty much just doing the same thing as you, it's hard trying not to think about it, I can control all my emotions except the ones related to her, I suppose we just got to kinda get on with it really, Thank you for your post.
@Chidiot - Your post kinda helped me see it from a different point of view, none of my friends or even anyone I know around me have/are going through the same that I know of so it's kinda like seeing it from a different perspective, I think your right about it taking time to accept it, I just kinda hope it hurries up a little for me. Thank You! @Richal - I haven't actually thought of it like that until now, I don't really know what to say, but I know what you mean, Thanks for posting.
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