Tips/help with my writing? :)

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Subeta Forums > Writing Discussion

Tips/help with my writing?

#1 :: July 5th, 2012 @ 9:25 AM

Is a Survivor

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I have made the basic layout (if not final) but I need some writing done to make it a little more interesting! I've summed up short summaries of what I want to write, so I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice or tips on how I can improve my writing to make it an interesting read?

Also: should I just give a little paragraph about her and leave the info on "tea time" out? I was thinking that it'd make her page a bit boring if I were to give random info on what tea time is and how it is taken etc.

Click to go to her page

Thanks in advance!

Art by User not found (1): ForgottenFox

#2 :: July 8th, 2012 @ 9:42 PM

The Gourmand

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I actually really love that you explain the different tea times. I hadn't known about it before! Also I loved that you used "favourite" instead of "favorite". Also, I'm curious, is she happy now that she is having these tea parties? First she didn't feel at home in a group, then she didn't feel at home by herself... has she found her happy medium, or is she still flip-flopping on what she wants? Also is it really that realistic to say she has no plights against her family, when she also at the same time doesn't feel at home when with her family? She harbors no resentment for the fact that she has so many siblings?

Also, just a heads up, I would take a look into your comma usage. I've noticed quite a few spots where they were needed and not there, and instances where they were there, but not necessary.

Cutie Gertie by Corgi

#3 :: July 9th, 2012 @ 1:12 AM

is a big bully

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@Pepperdragon
Very cute character! She's very charming.
I think you could benefit from using more descriptive verbs, adjectives, and adverbs as well as varying your sentence structure. As is, she sounds like a mild-mannered lady who likes to prepare food and tea for her friends. Embellish her character by adding a tone to the writing, or giving her a "voice." Interesting words make for interesting writing. I added a few little things to the first paragraph:

Kailash is a young English lady of ample means and a kind heart who has no plights towards her parents and a commendably mild disposition. She bakes and brews at her whimsy to while away the hours and loves nothing more than to host lavish tea parties for all of her friends to enjoy. Depending on the time of day, she offers an array of finger foods to accompany her delicious tea prepared with love, as she hasn't much else to occupy her time or her heart these days. Cake, cupcakes, tarts, biscuits, scones, macarons, sweet rolls, crepes and sandwiches - you name it and Kailash serves you the tastiest and finest of them all.
edited cant spell lol ;_;

Last Edit by: ~~slick~~ 7/09/12 - 1:13:08 am

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#4 :: July 9th, 2012 @ 10:49 AM

Is a Survivor

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I thought maybe because of the fact that she is the youngest of a batch of siblings and has no plights towards her parents (the eldest for example has to take over family business, second eldest has to study law etc) where Kailash probably just has to marry the son of another rich family. Maybe that's why she doesn't really like it at home, since she has no real goals besides marrying someone she doesn't know just so her parents have a place for her, that's why she might feel resentment towards her siblings?
Hmm, I guess I hadn't thought about a closure for the 'story'; I guess that she's found her happiness now, living with her aunt and occasionally inviting friends for some company.

@
Thank you! And... Your writing is so... pretty *__* I don't know how else to describe it... I hadn't thought about using adjectives yet, silly me xD

Art by User not found (1): ForgottenFox

Last Edit by: Pepperdragon 7/09/12 - 10:50:30 am

#5 :: July 9th, 2012 @ 7:54 PM

The Gourmand

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So if I'm understanding correctly, Kailash believes its her siblings' fault that she's the youngest of 7? Her parents are at no fault at all? And she believes it's her siblings' fault that she probably would have to marry someone?
Honestly, I've always thought it would be the opposite. I thought the eldest siblings would have to marry rich, while the younger siblings got to venture out into the world of business. Unless she's the only daughter of the 7?
@

Cutie Gertie by Corgi

#6 :: July 10th, 2012 @ 5:17 AM

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Well, I guess she blames both her parents and siblings. But the company is for the eldest son and her other siblings (4 boys and 3 girls in total) are to either study or marry "a rich guy". Her two sisters don't really mind as they love their luxury and being spoilt more than 'waiting for the right guy' or the company of real friends.

I didn't really look into the bourgeoisie's 'system', I just went by what I'd seen in movies/anime/series and scrambled it to fit my idea of Kailash ^-^; Maybe all the siblings would have to marry a rich girl/guy at some point to uphold their "standing" or their "image", I could go with that as well, but Kailash being the one who dislikes it the most since she thinks that she'd be nothing more than a 'housewife' that had to knit all day, so to speak.

Art by User not found (1): ForgottenFox

Last Edit by: Pepperdragon 8/26/12 - 5:28:00 am

#7 :: July 10th, 2012 @ 6:28 AM

The Gourmand

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Makes sense.

Cutie Gertie by Corgi