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melodramatic post about depression ~yay~
| #1 :: August 3rd, 2012 @ 4:18 AM | |
 viticusIs the Pumpkin King!    1,418 Posts 258 Achievements  
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 I make - currently closed - I apologize in advance for how drawn out and awful and stupid this post is going to be. I guess that's appropriate though because those are three words that describe me perfectly, whoops~ So let me preface this by saying this is the worst year. I typically have pretty awful luck and I have been depressed since I was at least 13. (We know I've had anxiety since I was 9 because of some abuse that happened in the 5th grade, I've blocked out the memories though so idr myself. 13 was when I started cutting and contemplating suicide for the first time) There have been multiple times I've considered suicide in my life but none as consistently as I have this year. I understand that a lot of this has to do with my surroundings and ~it gets better~ but honestly that is not what I want to hear right now because that hasn't been the case. I'm sick of the uplifting speeches. I'm sick of the "just think positive!" people. I'm sick of like everything, actually, but those things are #2 and 3, coming only after being sick of myself. Everything keeps Loving going wrong and I'm done. I'm just done with trying to be positive. I've talked about this before so in order to try and prevent some redundancies with the regulars here, this is the very, very abridged version of everything that has happened in the last year (believe it or not, cause this is still long as love) - long-term boyfriend broke up with me in december after living with me for 2 years and signing a year long lease. confessed he hadn't loved me in probably more than a year anyway (cheers for being used) - this caused me to lose a job, apartment, volunteer position and the school I loved as well as having to move away from the city I was very comfortable in and move back in with my parents 2 hours away, which obviously did WONDERS for my self-esteem - I fell down the stairs twice and even got to go to urgent care for it one time because I'm super graceful. The first time was on January 1st. Happy new year - I had a job for a while but ended up quitting due to extreme anxiety - I was having 10,000 issues with the school I didn't even want to go to that I had to transfer to at the last minute so I could live with my parents. they kept losing track of my crap and didn't help me with anything and I had crapty classes because it took so long to accept me - but I ended up having to drop out of school anyway because I was suicidal as of February (I even walked out on some melting ice. Still not sure if this constitutes a suicide attempt since I made it back unscathed, although my intent really was to drown so idk) - oh and I got hospitalized for a week because of that. not the ice but the suicidal tendencies and I was cutting every day. - also I have Lyme disease! HUZZAH. I found out about that & finally received an official diagnosis about my depression on February 14th. Happy valentine's day to me - Lyme is going untreated because I have other things to worry about. no serious symptoms yet but it still is very uncomfortable - I lost a bunch of friends because two of them were sleeping together and I didn't want to hear about it. Yup. That actually happened. They were pissed at me for not giving a crap what they had to say about it and a bunch of them harassed me and decided to spend a week telling me how awful I am and how I apparently made up all of this ^^^^ for attention because of the breakup and I'm just a crapty craphead apparently. I had to block them to make them leave me alone. - I'm pretty sure that the only 2 people I've slept with this year (both close friends of mine) were using me so that feels great - and my cat, who I had for 17 years (I'm 20. I literally have no memories without her) had to be put down last week. She was my best friend and I held her in my arms and let someone kill her and I swear to god I've been hearing her crying from the basement since then. We got her ashes back today. More obnoxious backstory: I got a job about a month ago when I was doing better. There was this period from like, May to the beginning of July where I was doing amazing. I was over the breakup, I started applying for jobs, I was drawing, getting out of the house, taking care of things, eating, etc. (I'm on Fluoexetine and I think it was helping. I also have been going to counseling although not as often now, since I was doing better) And then even before we put the cat down crap started to go awry. I requested that we bump up my medication and then changed my mind. Then regretted that decision but said nothing. It was really up and down until suddenly it was just down and down and I just was steadily not-okay lately until like a week or two ago and I have been terrible. I started contemplating suicide again a few weeks ago, I've been thinking about it constantly for the last few days. I cut again for the first time in two months and burned myself with a cigarette today. I know I don't want to OD on anything because the thought of them sticking tubes down my throat makes me angry, but I have contemplated buying a gun cause like, I can do that and stuff. I did tell someone. So idk why I'm even posting this. I told my aunt because I'm pretty sure that I pissed off the only friend I had left who actually lives here. (My aunt lives about 400 miles away) It didnt make me feel better but I guess someone knows now? She asked me to call my hospital and tell them how I'm feeling even though I don't think I'll be able to just get re-admitted easily at all. I also desperately want to quit my job I'm supposed to work tomorrow (and I was supposed to today). Everyone has been complimenting me there, saying how well I'm doing and how awesome it is that I don't need help getting things done and so forth. But I'm just good at hiding my anxiety when I'm there, or I will be for a time. I only can hide it for so long. I shook for three hours straight yesterday and I kept dropping things and burning myself because of it. Three things that make my anxiety worse, that I hate more than almost anything else: a) being dirty, b) people touching me and c) people shouting. All CONSTANT at this job. (It's a fast food job.) So despite the fact that people seem to like me, I hate it. I called in sick today and I think I'm going to no-show tomorrow because I'm a Loving coward and I can't do anything ever. But nobody should rely on me. It's only a matter of time before I either a) keep trying too hard to pretend like I'm not a crazy love and I snap and just drive off a bridge and waste the car my dad gave me or b) freak out at work and walk out anyway. I'm a quit while I'm ahead kind of gal and where I'm at right now, this is ahead. I think I'll drive to my friend's apartment and stay with her maybe to avoid my parents, too. idk what I'm even doing here right now. I have so few friends I can count them on one hand, and as I mentioned, one of them lives in town with me. The rest barely keep in touch and live far away. The one who I mentioned I might stay with has been more helpful than I thought she was capable of - when I got hospitalized before I mentioned it to her after, and she gave me a pair of earrings and said "I don't want you to be sad." ?_? but this time I just flat out told her "I'm suicidal again and I need to go back to the hospital" and she said all the right things and insisted I call her if I need anything. like I know I need to figure out a way back into the hospital I know the signs of this. I've done this so many Loving times over and over. I'm GOING to keep cutting/burning myself and smoking as much as possible and praying to a god I don't believe in for cancer or a car crash or for the lyme to start paralyzing me or anything else that will do the job for me but I've already snapped I can count the number of things I have left to lose on one hand. and as much as I love those things, I don't believe that they are worth living for. I am a nuisance and a waste of resources and I hate myself. And yet I am obnoxiously self-centered. I have so few friends and hear so rarely from the ones I do have that I can't imagine anyone else feels differently. but I am worried about going back to the hospital, too. my parents are ill-equipped to deal with my mental illnesses. they think there is a cure. they don't want me to live in their house anymore (understandably. I don't want to be here, either, but it is what it is and I sure as love can't live alone). They want me to have a job. They want me to have my classes picked out for fall. They want me to have it together, like it looked like I did for a while. and I just cant and I have tried explaining this to them before and it doesn't work my mom cannot imagine a reality where I am truly as loveed up as I am. She needs me to be alive. and I cannot imagine a reality where I live past the end of this year. I desperately want to die. Those two denials cannot co-exist in a conversation. It doesn't work. and they JUST got done paying off the co-pays from my stay last time. It's thousands upon thousands of dollars to stay in the hospital for just a week. my only idea right now is that like. I could no-show tomorrow. avoid my parents like the plague for a while. (They will have to take care of my rats, though.) talk to my counselor and the hospital and try to get my school crap ironed out before I go back in, if that's an option, since beds at the hospital are expensive and hard to come by. and then if/when I get through and out of the hospital alive, I could try to nickel and dime my way back towards a semblance of a savings account by selling crafts which is stupid but a lot of people have been complementing the necklace I made for my cat. It's a glass vial with her fur in it. It looks kinda like the vials they kept memories in for the pensive in harry potter. kinda surprised I've never seen it before but I guess people are interested I also tie knots like a person who loves their mother and I can make somewhat neat looking bracelets. and I've been drawing and trying to paint more. plus I have photography prints I could try to sell. I mean I've tried to do that stuff before and it failed miserably but idk and I guess in the meantime after that it would behoove me to look for like, an office job or try to get a job at hot topic (so I can have my piercings/dyed hair) or something retail (or go back to JCP where I used to work and it's quiet and clean and I can fold things all day) and just hope they have openings does any of this even make any Loving sense right now? I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm saying any fo this. I guess because I just don't have anyone else left to talk to right now and this is just everything that is going on in my head and I can't sit here and be thinking about it anymore. also I really want someone to tell me that it's okay to quit my job like a Loving butthead because my aunt said not to, because i need to get out of my parents house but idk I feel like if I'm going to have the courage to go back to the hospital AGAIN I can't be dealing with work right now. (I'm shaking just thinking about going in tomorrow) and if I go through trying to kill myself it doesn't matter anyway so w/e also can I just say that I am a jackass and the worst friend. it's my only real friend's birthday today and I'm pretty sure that I pissed him off and he didn't want to see me at all today. I havent heard from him all day. I hate myself. I hope he hates me, too. He deserves better from his friends. idk I can't shut up and I can't sleep and i don't want to go drive around anymore because I did that today and love somebody just talk to me or something tl;dr - someone please validate my stupid want to quit my job - also do you suppose people will feel bad enough for me that I can sell crafts and prints for money to show my parents I'm not always a total bum - everything sucks and I hate it - including hospitals, which are dumb - yeah
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| #2 :: August 3rd, 2012 @ 10:42 AM | |
| Haywood is a Mirage  340 Posts 136 Achievements |
we have so much in common...if you ever want to talk you can message me.
for now i'll say this: if you think quitting your job is best for your health right now, you shouldn't have any qualms with doing it. it's a perfectly legitimate reason. and any way you can make extra money is good - you'll only regret it if you don't give it a shot, i think. i feel you on hospitals, when i was there for depression/anxiety (for about a week as well) it was the best and worst week of my life. of course the whole time i was there i was miserable and wanted to leave but i got my meds adjusted and had really great doctors and counselors that ended up helping a lot. if you feel like going back would help you, i'd say to go and admit yourself voluntarily. if you tell them you have suicidal ideations and need help they SHOULD take you seriously...if they don't i'd be extremely surprised. again though - i've been through the vast majority of what you wrote about and if you want to discuss it further i'm here. try to hang in there. 
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| #3 :: August 3rd, 2012 @ 11:10 AM | |
| DoomQueen is Darksided!  6,646 Posts 672 Achievements |
@viticus Note: I will not sugar coat anything for you. Doesn't mean I'm trying to be a dog. I have suffered from various symptoms of depression since I was 10. That's over half my life. I've found that overall, things do get better. But it takes years. At least for me it did. It also takes the right medication. I focus on the good days. It's better than trying to look for the depression to suddenly go away and you'll be all happy. Some days are good days, and I cling to those. I even love the "meh" days. - From experience, moving in with a boyfriend is a horrible idea. Every single friend and acquaintance I've known that has moved in together before getting that marriage certificate have broken up. I'm not tooting the marriage horn here, but from my own life I've seen it never work out. - Falling down happens to everyone. Not sure why this would make you feel sad? - I developed anxiety at my job (it's my first and fast food). I would have severe attacks. Luckily I was/am working with wonderful people who understand. I asked to be put on anxiety medicine and it has done WONDERS. - I would recommend not cutting. I know that it becomes a habit for some and a way to cope, but if you ever do get out of this funk you will have a social stigma attached to you that could really impede quests for a content future. The scars are like tattoos and no one is gonna believe your cat did them. - Get treated for Lyme disease. Don't put it off. Seriously. Like real talk. - I don't see how two friends sleeping together would make you end the friendship. Yeah, you ended it. Friends listen to friends. Sure, you might not like what they talk about, but that doesn't mean you quit being their friend. It goes both ways. They probably listen to crap you say that drives them up the wall, but they're still your friends. From the little bit of info you've said, I think that you were jealous because you had just gone through a breakup. - Casual sex usually is two people using each other to get some happy times. - I'm so sorry about your cat  - Realistically, don't depend on crafts to get enough funds for savings. Don't even entertain that idea. People with depression usually assume that if things are getting better, then they're cured. Not true. You'll always have to struggle with this. Things getting better? Keep going to the councilor. Things getting worse? Talk to your councilor/doc about this. Ask that maybe you can increase your meds temporarily until you feel balanced again. I also, have very few friends. I only hang out with one, my best friend. The others I keep in contact with through Facebook. I don't find this to be a bad thing. Having lots of friends just invites more drama and stress. It's good that you have one good friend. Try to keep her. My job is a fast food cook at Captain D's. It's my first job and is the reason I developed anxiety. For people like us, I think a slower paced job would be better. My coworkers know I'm crazy. You know what though? When I opened up about it I found out that two of them had also been to a psych ward and suffered depression. Misery loves company. I'm going to quit my job but I'm looking for another first. Try anxiety meds and see if you can keep this job long enough to find another. And CALL IN if you're not going to show. You need good job references and pissing off the managers by not calling in/missing work or just quitting without two weeks notice is very, very, very bad. EDIT: I tried to kill myself three days before my birthday this March. My parents were shocked. I had hidden these thoughts from them for years. I was in a psych ward for three days and cost my parents thousands of dollars. I refuse to discuss why I tried to kill myself with them, although they have been as supportive as they can be. They also want me to get a better job and continue classes this fall. Know what? They should expect that out of me. Having this disability (I view depression as such), doesn't mean I can't work or go to school. It'll be a struggle but I think I can do it. You can too. You've been trying for a long time and you're still here. Reaching out to others is a cry for help. It means that you don't really want to die, but if someone doesn't try to save you you will. My cry for help was overdosing on my zoloft. I didn't know it wouldn't kill me until after I had taken it. Parents just don't understand how their baby that they have and that they want so much for can wish to die. You're not worthless to them and you cannot process that you're not worthless. After my suicide attempt I started thinking about what would happen after I died. You know what? I'd be an even bigger burden. Not only would my parents, friends, and family have to deal with the grief of losing me, they'd also have to tell other people what happened when asked and deal with that stigma, plus funerals are INSANELY expensive. Don't leave your parents with that burden. Random question: Are you a pisces? Last Edit by:
DoomQueen 8/03/12 - 11:42:48 am"Let's enjoy the gorgeous summer weather before it somehow tries to murder us." |
| #4 :: August 3rd, 2012 @ 4:49 PM | |
| viticus Is the Pumpkin King! 1,418 Posts 258 Achievements |
I make - currently closed - @Haywood thank you. @DoomQueen - it was. not like I could have known that at the time. It made sense - we were both going to school in the same city and needed a roommate, and we had talked about getting married before. He literally talked about getting married until the week before he broke up with me. it was just a mistake I had to make for myself. And honestly it was a pretty tame breakup. We dated for a couple of years but I'm over it. Having to lose the rest of the things I had built for myself in Milwaukee was the worst part. - because I fell down the stairs first thing on january 1st and then the second time I had to go to the hospital and I cost my parents even more money. it was basically a metaphor for the rest of the year so far. also it hurt like love. the second time it hurt so bad I actually threw up all over the stairs, which my parents also had to clean up, which was awesome - I have anxiety meds. but they don't help much. they're mostly for sleep, to take as needed. even when I do the half dose to calm me down it really only works if I'm already having an anxiety attack. If I take them preemptively they make me into a zombie. - idc about my scars. honestly. and I tried the whole "my dog did it" thing when I was in the 8th grade. I will never blame my shortcomings on an animal again. My parents almost got rid of her because of what I said. I still feel guilty about it. I don't make excuses. Most people don't ask about the scars and if they do I tell them "dont worry about it." Also I'm already tattooed in addition to that? so it's w/e - It's a long Loving story, but here's the deal. Me and my friend, Z, were sleeping together for a while (which I mentioned. And no, at first I do not see what we were doing as using each other. We genuinely liked each other but weren't ready to declare a full-on relationship, although it did entail more than sex. It was very mutual and respectful). His ex, B, found out and was jealous. Don't ask me why they are still hanging out, she destroyed him and I found out later that he isn't over her still (like, now, even) and plus she's a genitals to him. She tried to get him to come back to her and he said no, so she held it over his head for a while and was being awful. After Z and I stopped sleeping together, mostly because he realized he wasn't over B, she and his close friend, C, started sleeping together and they were lying very poorly to him about it. Like, they both knew that it would make him feel like crap and they made almost no attempt to cover it up. Having dated B before though, he knew when she was lying and he confronted them about how it pretty much made him feel like crap and he knew he couldn't tell them what to do, but that was how he felt. They both got super pissed at him and then C started texting me about "what do you know about the whole thing." I told him I didn't give a crap because it wasn't my business so don't talk to me about it. He continued to text me and insist that Z was a liar and he just "didnt want me to get hurt." I told him I could take care of myself and to leave me the hell alone and he refused to. He texted me for about five hours straight and it escalated into a "wow you're a dog, I'm so nice i'm just trying to help protect you!!1!!" kind of thing for which I had no patience and swore at him for. Some mutual friends of ours heard about this incident from C, and also decided to attack me for it. First, my friend A told me that it was "all my fault" that everyone felt like crap because I had slept with Z (even though that friend is the one who gossiped about that to B constantly despite it being neither of their business). Then her boyfriend started sending me facebook messages about what an awful dog I am/I talk about him behind his back apparently (which never happened) and how I deny anything helpful anyone ever says due to "blind zealotry." For some reason he also felt it was appropriate to start talking about how I invented all of my problems because of my breakup and that I have no idea what real pain is, I should be ashamed of myself, etc. I told him to leave me alone because I didn't want to have to block him and he refused to stop sending me messages about how terrible I am for about 3 days. So I blocked all of them and have been trying to wash my hands of it. Had absolutely nothing to do with being jealous. I literally wanted no part in it and no, I don't understand even 1% how it escalated to this point or why they thought any of it is something I should be bothered with but that's what happened and it's done. I had a good food job once. I was living in Milwaukee working at a Cold Stone Creamery before the breakup and I loved it to bits. Everyone there knew that I sometimes got panic attacks and when it happened they always let me to go the office to ride it out and would hug me afterwards etc. they didn't care. they were good friends and even though it was absolutely batcrap crazy (there were days you could be there from 10 to 10 and the line would never once come inside the door), it worked out. I also was a cake decorator there and I was able to come in whenever I wanted to work on my cakes. It was a good balance. This job is not a good balance. But as for having references, this is by no means my first job, and I have lots of good references from other places. My boss from CS is a friend of mine and has always promised to give me good references. I also have a teacher from high school and a professor (not one of mine but just from the community) who will vouch for me, and more people if I need them to. I've worked where I am for two months, I'm not too super worried about it I guess, other than my parents reaction. My parents also were shocked when my counselor called and said that I was checking myself into the hospital. They have no reference for how to deal with mental illness and to this day still don't understand. But I think I'm so far removed from everything right now, so far at the end of my rope, that like, the shock of me possibly going back to the hospital has to be preferable to finding out i'm dead, so w/e. They're still going to be mad that I'm quitting and that I lied to them (I just lied to my mom and told her I have off today. I'll deal with that later, it's hardly the worst lie I've ever told). I understand what you're telling me about living with it. I really do. A couple of months ago I was all about that. However, I'm at the point where I already am envisioning no future for myself. I cannot see what's going to happen more than a couple of weeks out from this moment, right now. So whether or not I am able to live with it and not letting it disable me is not even something I'm giving thought to right now. What I'm thinking about is how crapty ODing would be and I'm too squeamish to cut my wrists, and how I can't drive my car off of a bridge because my parents should be able to sell it if I'm gone, so maybe I should just jump or buy a gun or try some other kind of poison. Should I ask to be cremated like my cat, or be buried somewhere nice, like back in Michigan? Funeral vs. thousands of dollars in hospital bills. Apples and oranges. I am burden regardless of what I do. I am not thinking about living with a disability right now, I'm thinking about dying. That is all. No, I'm a Scorpio. November 15th is my twenty first birthday.
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