Renata
Legacy Name: Claree

Throughout my life, I dearly sought after mutual love. I have ADHD, and I have rejection sensitivity, and I wanted--so desperately--for someone to appreciate me the way I appreciated them. And at the same time, I didn't feel I deserved it, for some reason. I didn't feel like I was worthy of love and respect. Because of this, I ended up wasting my love on people who didn't truly love me.

I showed loyalty and affection to people who put me down constantly. People who belittled my feelings, my hobbies, my passions, myself. They hit every insecurity I trusted them with so that I wouldn't have the strength and courage to leave them. They would gaslight me, taunt me, and neglect me on purpose to keep me off balance and afraid to lose them--all that time never knowing that in reality, they would be losing more by losing me, than I would by losing them.

But I know that now. I know my worth. I know I have value. Maybe there are some things about me that aren't good enough--but no one is perfect. I know my flaws and I try my best to overcome them and be better. I try. And that's the difference between me and them--they never tried. They never tried for me. They only tried to hurt me, intentionally, and that's the one thing I finally learned not to tolerate. I easily forgive people who hurt me on accident, but after so many times being hurt on purpose, I now know that it's not my fault they decided to do that to me. I realize now that it was a fault they had. Whether they did it because they were insecure about me, and thought putting me down would keep me on their leash forever because I didn't know I deserved better treatment than they gave me... whether they were hurt too, so they felt the need to hurt me in turn... none of that matters. Because sure, everyone has their reasons for the things they do in life. But that doesn't make it valid for the abused to become abusers, and it doesn't mean I have to be the punching bag for my abusers.

And that is why I've renamed this pet Renata. Originally, she had a scramble of my name--Claree--but now she is Renata, Latin for "Reborn" and French for "Born Again." Because after being put through so much Hell, I have been reborn. And I feel free to be passionate and emotional and most of all, myself. From the ashes of tragedy, I choose to move forward with purpose and pride for who I am. I will use the fire within me not to burn anyone the way I've been burned, but instead to warm up others and rekindle their light when they find themselves in similar situations.

Nobody deserves to be abused by the people they trust. If you have been abused, don't lose hope. You can be reborn too. Learn to value yourself the way you deserve to be valued and don't let anyone else treat you like garbage. You are a diamond in the rough. No matter how roughed up you are, no matter the pressure you've been under, there are people out there who will adore you for your sparkle. So shine on, despite everything.

Here are some websites if you need more information or help recovering from an emotionally (or otherwise) abusive relationship:

Love is Respect
National Safe Space
Reach Out (What is Emotional Abuse?)
Safe Horizon: 5 Signs of Emotional Abuse
The Hotline

Also remember that if you are in any kind of physically abusive relationship, there is help locally for you if you look. There are shelters and hotlines you can call. Good luck and don't lose hope.

With love,
Lady Foxling


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