even on a cloudy day

Things are getting easier, I think. Well, not easier exactly...but the therapy helps. The meetings help, my sponsor helps a lot. Even this dumb blog thing helps.
I feel stronger. Strong enough to resist. Of course I'm also smoking even more now, so, it's like...I've traded one danger for another. Death by overdose for death by lung cancer. I'm trying to quit that, too, but it's not going as well. Even while I'm writing this, my hands are shaking and my fingers are twitching and I'm trying to finish this as quickly as possible so I can go out on the balcony. That's still better than reaching for a needle, but I'd really rather not die coughing my lungs out so I'm going to keep trying to quit.

Anyway, back to the point- things are going to get better. I've been clean for three months now and I think I can stay that way. I really think I can do it, you know? It's not easy, but I haven't had this feeling- like I can actually be worth something- since I was a kid.
Ryv's started talking to me again. She's still keeping a little bit of distance. I understand why. I'm just glad she's giving me the chance to fix all the things I've fucked up. I've also been visiting my mom more. She even helped me get a job at a restaurant, owned by an old family friend. After she stuck her neck out for me like that, I'm kind of afraid I'll let her down. But I'm trying, and I'm doing pretty good. I think.

My little sister started college last week. I'm happy for her! She's still not talking to me, though, and she doesn't want me to visit. I guess she doesn't want her friends to meet me. I don't blame her, though I hope she comes around one day. I guess life can't all be sunshine and starlight, huh?

The financial stuff is still pretty rough. Rent is ridiculous, and on top of everything else, it's a lot to deal with. I'll probably end up taking a second job, but that's okay. More distractions means less chances for me to slip up, right? I have plans for the future, plans that don't include the food industry. For now, though, this is enough, and it might be more than I deserve.

Oh, and I finally cleaned my place up! Did you know my apartment actually has really nice hardwood floors? Who would've thought. I still can't completely get rid of the smoke smell, but I'm sort of used to that and I don't usually let people come over here anyway. I think Ryvet and my mom are planning on teaming up and redecorating the place, whether I want them to or not...That'll be interesting. Half the apartment will end up being modern chic and the other half'll be gingham and lace. But hey, as long as it makes them happy.

Um, I think that's it. That's what's going on in my life. I'm a shitty writer and I never know how to end these things, so I'll end with this thought.
I'm not saying it's easy. It'll never be easy. But I can do this. And if I can, you can.
Just gotta keep going.

-Ende Posted 1:30 AM on August 23rd, 2014

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Full Name |Eric Ende
Goes by | Ende
Occupation | Has a job waiting tables and working in a kitchen
Gender | Male
Subeta species |Kumos (to be storm kumos)
Approx. Age | Twenty-five

Character belongs toBrazen
HA made with arvee.org/sofetch/.
Lyrics from "Shake Me Down" by Cage the Elephant.

Visit his Charahub page for more info.

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i'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun