Broken dreams and out-of-reach stars
Warning for mature content.
My life wasn't terribly interesting when I was younger. It was just.. normal. I had a few boyfriends in high school, but never anything serious. They'd kiss me and hold me and.. well, touch me.. but I never felt as connected to them as I probably should have. I liked all that stuff, don't get me wrong, but I was never as invested in it as they were. I eventually realized that more than anything else, what I needed was an emotional connection with someone. It was also around this time that I realized that I don't care about people's genders; all that matters to me is their personality.
After I graduated from high school, I tended to haunt nightclubs and such. I always dressed in the same, gothic fashions; I just liked the look, I suppose. No real reason. I was never that social.. I talked to people, but I didn't need to be in the spotlight. But I was happy with my life, anyway.
One night, I was leaving a nightclub when I suddenly felt someone grabbing my wrist. Before I could react, they had pulled me into an alleyway and pinned me against the wall with one hand, their other hand held over my mouth, preventing me from calling for help. I never got a good look at them, it was too dark..
After a few seconds, they took their hand away from my mouth and slowly moved it down my body.. maybe they thought I'd be too scared to scream, I don't know. Either way, the second I was able to, I screamed as much as I could before they slapped their hand over my mouth again. "Keep quiet, bitch, or you'll regret it.." They relaxed their grip on my wrist and made to reach for something in their pocket; what, exactly, I'll never know. Fortunately, we were close enough to the nightclub that someone had heard my screams.
"Get the fuck away from her!"
Before I knew what was happening, a burly Archan - a bouncer, possibly - had appeared and seized hold of my assaultant, pulling them away from me.
"What should we do?!" someone asked; two other people from the nightclub had arrived, clearly worried.
"Take her away from here! And call the police," the Archan added.
I can't really remember what happened next, it all happened so fast.. they took me into the nightclub, to the staff room.. someone made me some tea, and I was scared to drink it in case it was poisoned, even though I knew that that was a stupid thing to think. I think the police asked me some questions and I had to make a statement..
Eventually someone gave me a lift home. I couldn't stop looking around until I was safe within my apartment, terrified that someone or something would appear from the shadows. I knew I was being foolish, paranoid, but I couldn't help it.
And it kept getting worse.
I was scared whenever I went out, wary of everyone that passed me by. I don't know what happened to the person that attacked me, only that they had been taken away by the police - but I kept worrying about them. Over and over I thought about it. What if the police had decided they were innocent? What if they were out there, stalking me, waiting to strike again?
I knew the chances of them finding out where I lived were very low. I lived in a big city, after all. But still..
It got to the point where I stopped going out at all. I had a decent amount of money stored away.. I had a job at one point, but they fired me around this time. I told them over the phone that I was scared to leave the house, and they simply told me "if you don't come into work, you don't get to keep your job".
I kept telling myself over and over how ridiculous I was being, that I should just force myself to leave the house and go back to my old routine. I eventually took up drinking - not because I particularly enjoyed the taste, but because if I drank enough, I'd be so numb that I couldn't think of anything, much less worry about my problems. I also started eating more, also as a.. I guess you'd call it a coping mechanism. I don't know.
My life continued in this way until one day, early in the morning. I had actually left my apartment for once.. I was looking all around myself again, so much so that I almost ran into someone - fortunately, I noticed just in time.
"Heh, that was close! I'm sorry, I should have been looking where I was going."
I stared at her. She was a Ruffie, with long hair and two sets of wings - rather unusual, but I wasn't really focusing on her wings at that moment. I literally had no idea what to say. I'd gone so long without talking to someone else that I had almost forgotten how to. "I... I.. er.." I coughed; my voice was scratchy and cracking from lack of use. "I, um, it's okay.. I s-should," cough "should have.. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, no need to be sorry! Well, I should get going," she said, indicating the washing basket she was holding, "Have a nice day!"
I watched her walk away. For some reason, some incomprehensible reason, I didn't feel nervous from talking to her. Usually I'd be panicking by now, but with her.. I didn't understand it. Why did I feel like this?
I was just about to turn around and walk back home - I'd forgotten why I was even out at this point - when the Ruffie girl tripped.
Before I really knew what I was doing, I ran over as fast as I could, skidding and falling on the carpet just so I could catch her basket. "Oh, thank you! I don't know what I would have done if it had fallen, it would have taken me ages to pick everything up.. plus all the dust and such.. Are you okay?"
I lay there on my stomach, somewhat stunned. Why was I doing this? "I.. yeah, I-I'm fine." I noticed she was holding out a hand. I knew it was to help me up, but I didn't want to touch her, in case.. I don't know. Even as I thought this, the logical part of my mind was screaming out about how stupid it was to be scared of that, but I couldn't help it. I held out her basket instead, hoping she wouldn't mind. She seemed somewhat surprised, but smiled slightly.
"Well, that wasn't really why I.. but thanks," she said, taking the basket and putting it under one arm, her other arm held out towards me again. "Come on, I'll.." She didn't finish her sentence; I had already stood up.
"It's okay," I said quickly, nervously.
"I want to do something for you, though.. Oh, I know! There's a vending machine in the laundry room, if you'd like I could get you something?"
Of course I knew about that vending machine; most of my snacks came from there. I knew it would be rude to turn her down, and besides that.. I actually wanted to go with her.
We set off together, wandering down several flights of stairs until we eventually reached the laundry room. "I forgot how many steps there are! I usually take the elevator," she commented. I nodded in response, still catching my breath. She wandered over to the vending machine as I trailed after her. "So, what d'you want?" she said, gesturing to the machine.
"Oh.. um.. a-anything's fine, really. Just, um, get me whatever's cheapest."
"'Kay~" I stared at the wall, spacing out, until I felt something gently nudging my hand; I looked up, to see the Ruffie girl holding out a candy bar, smiling.
"T-thanks," I stammered, taking it from her and unwrapping it slowly. It wasn't until I was halfway through the candy bar that I realized - this was one of the more expensive items in the vending machine. I should know, after all.
I stood there, watching as she moved the laundry from her basket into a washing machine, my twin tails flicking back and forth slightly. She was a stranger, why did I feel so.. at ease when I was around her?
After she'd finished, she turned around, her eyes lighting up somewhat when she saw me. "You're still here!" She sounded so happy about it.. why..? "You don't need to stay if you don't want to, it'll prolly take a while for this to finish." she added, sitting down near the window.
"No, it's okay, I don't mind," I said quietly, wandering over and sitting next to her. I had no idea what to say to her, but I still wanted to be near her. We sat there in silence for a minute or two, before she suddenly spoke up.
"..I just realized! I never told you my name!" she laughed slightly, before continuing, "I'm Jeanette."
"J-Jacinth," I said, the question taking me off-guard somewhat.
"That's a pretty name!" she said cheerfully.
"T-thank you.. Um, I like your name, too.." I said. I wasn't just trying to be nice; I really did think it was a nice name.
We kept talking from there, about.. anything. Whatever she thought of; I didn't really have anything to start a conversation about, after all. And all the while, I couldn't help but inwardly wonder why it was so easy to talk to her. I thought about it, over and over, unable to come to a conclusion.
Someone walked into the room at one point, and I stiffened immediately, my eyes not leaving them until they left - luckily, they were just getting something from the vending machine. I knew Jeanette was watching me, but I couldn't help it.
Please don't ask me why I was watching them, please don't-
"Um.. are you okay?"
I whipped around, looking at her briefly before quickly turning away. "I.. don't really like people," I said awkwardly, avoiding her gaze as I continued, mumbling, "I.. I don't really get out much, to be honest.."
"What about me?"
I looked back at her, surprised. "I.." I had no idea what to say. For a few seconds we sat there, staring at each other, before she broke the silence.
"I wonder why they were up so early, though? I mean, most people aren't up this early on a Saturday," Jeanette said, stretching slightly.
"Y-yeah.." I looked away, feeling awkward. "M-maybe they didn't think anyone else would be around. I mean.." I coughed again, stumbling over my words. "..that's what I... well.. I don't really come down here unless it's early, so.."
"Yeah, same. It's always so crowded every other time of day! This is the only time I can get my washing done without someone trying to pick a fight with me 'cause I got to a washing machine before they did," she said, laughing.
"Mm.." I stared at the wall again; I didn't really have an answer to that.
Eventually her laundry was ready, and I walked back with her to her apartment. I stood at the door, unsure of what to say. For some unfathomable reason, I didn't want to leave her.
"I should go.. I.. guess I'll see you round?"
"I.." Jeanette opened her mouth, then closed it again. "No, it's nothing. What's your phone number? I'll call you later!"
"I.. don't really.. I'm not very good at talking over the phone." It was true; I'd stammered a lot the last time I'd attempted to make a phone call. I wasn't entirely sure that my phone was even still connected, anyway.
"Well, that's fine. I'm sure we'll see each other again!"
She started to shut the door, and, before I could stop myself, I called out, "Jeanette!"
"What?!" Jeanette pulled the door back quickly, catching it before it shut entirely. "Did I catch your hand in the door or something?" she asked, looking genuinely concerned.
"N-no, it's just.. um.. Do you want to hang out at my place? I-I mean you don't need to right now, but.."
"I'd love to! But.. do you mind if we hang out here, instead? It's just, I need to hang up these clothes to dry.."
"Of course I don't mind!" Part of me was relieved; my apartment was very messy, and I didn't know how I'd feel about someone else being in there. The other part of me was nervous about the thought of spending long amounts of time outside of my apartment.
Then again, I'd been sitting in the laundry room with Jeanette for an hour or so without getting too anxious.
I followed after her, sitting and waiting until she'd finished hanging up her clothes. Her apartment was so nice and clean, very different to mine. She sat down next to me and we just talked and talked. I tried not to tell her too much about myself, in case I scared her off. I didn't want her to know what kind of a life I lived.
"Oh gosh, look at the time!" Jeanette said suddenly. "I didn't realize it was so late!"
I couldn't believe we'd been talking for so long - I'd spent pretty much the whole day with her.
I couldn't stop thinking about her that night. For once I didn't need to get drunk to stop myself from thinking about how terrible my life had become, because I had Jeanette to occupy my thoughts instead.
I woke up early again the next day. I had nearly finished getting dressed when there was a knock at the door. I'd never gotten any visitors since I stopped leaving the house.. Pulling my shirt on quickly, I rushed over and opened the door hesitantly.
"Morning!"
For a second I was stunned, trying to figure out how Jeanette had figured out where I lived, before remembering I'd told her the previous day. "J-Jeanette!" I stammered, surprised; I hadn't at all expected to see her again so soon.
"Is now a bad time? I can come back later if it's too early, I don't mi-"
"No, of course it's not, come in!" I tried not to show how nervous I was. Why didn't I clean up last night?! "S-sorry about the mess," I added hastily, as she walked in, hoping she wouldn't notice the scattered food packets and remains of my drinking sessions. "Want me to get you a drink, or anything? I d-don't really have much in, I'm afraid.."
It was true, after all - the only non-alcoholic drink I had was, well, water. I didn't really want to offer her anything alcoholic, anyway - aside from the fact that I didn't really want her to know how much I drank, I was worried she'd think I was trying to get her drunk. I didn't know if she was a drinker, even.
"That's okay! Water's fine~"
We talked for a while again, about nothing in particular.. and then, in a lull in the conversation, I found myself staring at her again.. and she was staring back. "Jacinth.." she whispered. I hadn't realized we were sitting so close to each other.. Her hand touched mine, and I didn't pull away - I didn't want to.
Before I could really think about what was happening, she kissed me.
I don't know which one of us pulled away first. I looked at her for a second or so before clinging onto her. "J-Jeanette," I choked, trying to ignore the tears that were now falling down my cheeks.
"Jacinth? Jacinth, are you okay?"
"Y-yeah.. It's just.. I don't.. I don't deserve you, Jeanette. You're so nice and I'm.."
"Don't say that! You're a wonderful person, Jacinth. I've never felt so at ease with anyone like this before I met you. I feel like I could talk to you forever!"
"Jeanette, I.." I had to tell her. I was leading her on, making her think I was somewhat normal. "I d-don't really leave the house much n-nowadays," I said, pulling away to look at her through tear-filled eyes.
"I know, you told me that before," she said, still smiling. "I don't mind, silly."
"B-but.." She doesn't realize what I mean by that, she thinks I'm exaggerating.. "Jeanette, I- Jeanette, I drink. I drink all the t-time just to take my mind off all my.. my p-problems, and.."
She reached out and touched my face softly, still smiling at me as if she understood, as if she didn't care about how messed up I was.
"I love you, Jacinth," she said quietly, her eyes never leaving mine as she gently wiped my tears away.
"I.. I think I love you too," I whispered.
We saw each other every day after that. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we just lay together in silence for hours, holding each other close.
I still hated leaving the house, of course. I didn't mind being in Jeanette's apartment, but that was it. Jeanette didn't force me to go out; she did try and gently coax me into it sometimes, but she always made it clear that she wasn't going to make me do anything I was uncomfortable with doing.
I loved her so much. I could hardly understand how I'd managed to live for so long without her.
I'd almost completely stopped drinking by now. I hadn't kicked the habit completely, obviously, but.. well, I didn't really need to drink any more. My previous reasons for getting drunk were irrelevant now. I no longer needed to numb my pain to get myself through the night - I had Jeanette.
About two weeks or so after we first met, Jeanette asked me if I wanted to live with her. I know, it probably seems like we were rushing into things.. but I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and she said she felt the same way. I told her that I'd move in with her, but she shot me down. "I know you feel safe in your apartment, Jacinth. I wouldn't ask you to leave it."
"I feel safe with you," I protested, clinging onto her. But I was glad all the same; I couldn't imagine living anywhere else, not after all the time I'd spent there.
She moved in soon afterwards. I lay there that night, looking at her as she slept beside me. Sometimes I still couldn't believe that she loved me, that I had someone that cared about me as much as I cared about them. I reached out a hand and stroked her hair slowly, softly.
When did I stop getting the short end of the stick in life, and why did no one tell me...?