Khaleb
Legacy Name: Khaleb

Dear friend,
I went to the bar for the new year. I'm not sure why. I don't even drink usually. I was just lonely.
My hands were shaking terribly when I was outside of the bar, but I wanted to finish my cigarette before I went back in. To me, cigarette smoke stinks worse in the winter for some reason. There was a cluster of pretty hip looking adults standing around the corner from me. They all talked over each other because each one thought what he had to say was more important. I stubbed out my cigarette and went inside.
I had decided early on in the night that I wouldn't go home with anyone or anything like that. I just sat around at the bar and kept my head down so no one would look at me and think I wanted someone to sit with. I didn't.
Midnight came and went, and I was bored, so I went home.
It has been snowing for days.
It is all very grim to me. The waiting, the colorless world around me... The silence. I looked out my window today and I saw a cardinal perched in the tree. The red against all the snow looked like blood on a bedsheet. The thought made me feel a little sick, but it passed just as fast as it had come.
I keep looking at my phone, waiting to hear back from him, but I never do. I probably never will.
There is something called white torture, and it is a torture method that aims to deprive people of sensory stimulation and isolation. All white torture consists of is putting someone in a room that is all white. The human psyche does the rest of the damage by itself. I can't help but to think of that when I look out the window at all the snow. Soon, it will all turn brown and gray with street pollution, and that might be even sadder. I miss the cardinal, and I hope he has a good day.
Khaleb

Dear friend,
I woke up in cold sweat this morning. I don't remember my nightmare, but it haunted me throughout the day. The feeling of being watched and taunted followed me everywhere I went.
I still have a week before school starts again, and I am thankful for the break from my studies, but I am looking forward to my courses this semester. I just want something to do. I don't really leave my house, and I lost my only friend, so I spent most of my time wishing things were different. I am too tired to do anything about it though.
I have had a headache for three days. It aches and throbs in the back of my left eye, and I have to squint through the pain when I go to check my email. I don't have any new emails that aren't from people trying to sell me CBD gummies, or tell me that I can lose a lot of weight in two weeks if I try a new diet. The people who send spam mails need a algorithm. I'm already way too skinny. Everyone tells me so. I know that I am wasting away. I don't know what to do about that.
Khaleb

Dear friend,
The cardinal came back today. I was drinking my coffee at the bay window of my apartment, and I saw him again. It was only for a few short moments before he flew away. I looked up what cardinals in spirituality mean, and they mean good luck and harmony. I don't have either of those things, but I still thought he was pretty, and I was grateful for the company.
I'm not a very spiritual person anyway. I might have been at one point, but at that one point, I still felt like I had something to believe in. I am still young enough to believe in something, but I'm old enough to realize maybe there isn't anything to believe in. I had thought at one point that I believed in love, but that didn't work out for me at all. It left something ugly behind, and the ugly thing crawled under my skin and laid eggs there.
There is something in my heart that is cold and unforgiving of belief in anything at all. I wish I were wrong about that, but I don't think I am.
Khaleb

credits

Story by nervous art by charat
background by kosmos motion graphics cursor by cursors4u