Information
someone didn't read the handbook the Dead Person
Alien
Legacy Name: Xeno
The Nightmare Velosotor
Owner: Vain
Age: 13 years, 1 day
Born: March 27th, 2011
Adopted: 8 years, 7 months, 3 weeks ago
Adopted: August 2nd, 2015
Statistics
- Level: 5
- Strength: 10
- Defense: 10
- Speed: 10
- Health: 10
- HP: 10/10
- Intelligence: 0
- Books Read: 0
- Food Eaten: 0
- Job: Unemployed
training (and surviving) your xeno’s first years
- for dummies -
It’s always a big step in deciding whether or not to adopt one of these adorable little critters. Aliens, or Xenos, are much like children in that they require constant attention, supervision, feeding and discipline. That being said, they can also kill you with a flick of their tail. That's one tantrum you're going to want to avoid!
Such is the case of many a dangerous animal, humans discovered Xenomorphs and immediately thought - Hmm, I bet you’d make a great pet. After many years, here we are! Xenos are the ‘teacup’ to your Chihuahua. Bred to be the ultimate guard ‘dog’, these bad boys bring pit bulls to shame, making them the perfect pet for a family.
Some call them “the next step in evolution”, but I like to think of them as hard-shelled softies. Sure, they’re lightning-fast and hell-bent on murder. Maaaybe they reproduce by sticking some parasite down your throat, but I think the important thing to remember is that it all starts with a hug.
So whether you’re looking to spice up your marriage with a new little ankle-biter roaming around the house, or you’re just looking for a friend - a Xeno may be the pet for you! *
* I will not be held responsible for any death, injury or dismemberment that may occur.
Without further ado, let’s jump into the basics wants and needs of the beast before we end this guide with a summary.
the dos and don’ts of raising your alien
✦ DO take a few hours out of your day to spend some quality time with your Xeno. If it feels as if it’s been abandoned, it may act out and destroy everything you've ever loved.
✦ DO only feed your alien quality meats. This can consist of steak béarnaise, rosemary and garlic lamb shanks, or even the neighbour's cat. They are not dogs; if you feed it trash it may be displeased and you don’t want to see it angry.
✦ DO take your Xeno out on walks using an appropriate and certified leash. Much like other pets, they require both physical and mental stimulation in order to grow! Ensure you do this at night though, as they seemingly get around with the aid of echolocation and the less distractions the better.
✦ DO ensure that your alien has a convenient place to sleep. Closed-in areas such as attics, crawl spaces or air vents are all ideal locations for a Xeno’s slumber. Got a cat and any of those cute little tunnels for them to play in? Great! Let your alien loose in there and it’ll have a nice narrow place rest. Of course your cat probably won’t survive the ordeal, but that’s a sacrifice you need to be willing to make.
✦ DON'T play rough with your alien. It may mistake your rapid movements as an act of aggression and consequently mistake your stomach as a piñata.
✦ DON'T let your Xeno lick your face. Although their saliva is not acidic, some Xeno do have the ability to spit acid. If any of that residue is left in their mouth it will melt you into a nice human-flavoured smoothie. I cannot stress this enough: they are not dogs. The amount of people who adopt an alien expecting some loving creature that you can cuddle with is beyond me. I have no idea where they get that idea from.
✦ DON'T attempt to mingle your Xeno with children. It’s the age-old dilemma; to have a child or adopt a deadly extraterrestrial creature. Can’t have both. Believe me, I’ve tried and I gotta tell you, the wife was NOT pleased.
summary
When all’s said and done, do I think Xenos are a realistic pet for the average joe to adopt? No. Are they a safe pet to have around any other living organism? Also no. But what I can tell you is that owning an alien is the most rewarding ordeal I’ve ever experienced. Sure my wife left me, my children were brutally murdered. I’ve lost several fingers and I’m no longer allowed back into my local country club, but when I look down at my Xeno I feel a sense of love and pride that lets me know that it was all worth it in the end.
tl;dr
If you skipped to this section and adopted a Xeno anyway, good luck!
credit
story, minion edit and profile coding heavily edited by Vain
profile base code by kitty
overlay by User not found: christ
xeno chibis by Grey
Pet Treasure
Romero Post Mortem Replacement Tooth
Genetech Digital Cornea
Hearts Large Feline Bed
Dr. Lockhearts Hyperamory Inducer
Dr. Lockhearts Amorisporin-Medicated Bandages
Srsface
Sad Right Shoulder Scar Doll
Extra Crunchy Extra Fishy Treats
Prehistoric Squeaker Toy
Slab of Raw Meat
Heart ID Tag
Mutated Heart
Armless Unlucky Bunny Plushie
Rusted Rimeflare Shackle
Demon Blood
Bloody Strands
Garden Dirt
Fleece Skull Throw
Regal Extraterrestrial Hat
Legless Unlucky Bunny Plushie
Black Leather Leash
Extraterrestrial Bone Whip
Chain Leash
Heartless Unlucky Bunny Plushie
Silver Safety Collar
Haunted Fangs
Used Gray Soap
Bubble Spirit Beanbag
Blind Jellied Eyeball
Pee Pad
Small Jar of Nightmare Fuel
Ruffie Food Bowl
Fallen Star Souvenir
Nugget of Night Sky
Brain Eater Egg
Aqua Pet Harness
Acidic Throwing Vial
Radioactive Snowball
Cat Carrier
Large Agility Equipment
Chewed Up Fingers
Tiger Bones
Loose Rictus Teeth
Luporum