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Current Avi
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Joined: Wednesday November 18th
Member For: 16 years, 3 months, 4 weeks
Forum Posts: 2,311 - Recent Posts - Recent Topics
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A very disorderly update.
6/19/2025 I'm alive, but not okay.
I haven't answered people since October. I had that one good day where I replied to everyone and the never ending loop of anxiety has hit such a bad point. Since about January I stopped opening subeta or discord because the notification and message numbers just keep getting bigger, and this whole year has been so, SO stupidly hard, and not just because of grieving but just my living situation is so unsafe and unhealthy and existence stagnant because I can't grow or heal. I met my new medical team last month, and my doctor who I've known for 20+ years and them are going to try and help where they can, but I've not answered phone calls or logged into my health app since leaving that appointment, and my next appointment is due in less than a week and I hate that it's a physical struggle to even look at the damn phone anymore. I haven't arranged my ride or anything and I know the deadline is there but that just makes it worse.
So, yeah... I am not ignoring anyone specifically - I've ignored everyone and everything entirely, even messages from siblings who live out of state.
I am ridiculously lonely. The only IRL family/friend I have can only drive over for a few hours every handful of months. And I just can't do conversing online or over the phone... but I WANT to. And I want to be able to log onto subeta and play in the wardrobe when the mood hits without having a panic attack. I have over 450 alerts and idk how many of those are comments or messages. I want to slowly over time go through and read everything. I'll keep all the messages notifications until I can but then I might purge most of the other alerts and just... allow myself to look at subeta again, at least to make HAs. I received some incredible wishlist items for luminaire, and it is so bittersweet and painful not being able to share any of it with her, to tell and show her and nerd out together about anything.
Here's what I'm going to do. I might regret it, but:
My email is [email protected]
If any subeta friends want to reach me, that is the best place to try, but PLEASE include in the subject or first line of the email WHO you are on Subeta, so I can know.
My anxiety is going to have a heyday with this, but I also want to try... I do not guarantee fast replies. I might try to encourage myself to read and answer an email a week to start. I have yet to read anything on subeta I've received since january, and only some from october through last lumi.
To everyone who has shown me patience and kindness throughout this past hellish decade+ thank you. even when months or years go by between regular correspondence. I hope at least if I start changing my HA more, people can look and see hey, hannah's still kickin', even if she's absent.
cookies to anyone who reads this mess.
here is some cat tax. this is Dove and he's been my rock this year.
edit: just discovered all the last unicorn items that they dropped and... omg... they're beautiful but it's so upsetting she's not here to enjoy them. -
3/02/2025 I'm not ignoring anyone, I'm just really not OK. I lost my best friend and lifeline and I am trapped in a toxic unsafe living situation. I keep having these dreams where she's back and I'm begging her to go to the doctor, because my brain only focuses on that she's missed a lot of appointments and not that she's actually gone. I hate this. I hate this so much. My home environment is so volatile and if not for the cats needing me to take care of them I don't know how I'd keep hanging on. -
Semi-Active
Replies can take anywhere from weeks to months.
After the loss of my sister
Zelly it's not easy to do anything, let alone Subeta. I just received my 15 year achievement. We played Subeta together half of my lifetime. -
Steve Conte - Call Me Call Me
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~My lovelies~
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FamilyZelly
THUNDRkitty -
Shops
~⭐Tiny★Trinkets⭐~
~NickNacks~
~Fireside~
~Packrats Dream~
~Pantry~
~Treasure Chest~ -
Medals
Gold Account
Restock Royalty (35,851)
Krypt Konquerer
Potion Lottery
Aboxalypse Champion
Rainbow Plushie Trophy
Gold Trading Card Trophy
Rainbow Beanbag Collector
Polar Ice Completion
Silver Trapped Minion Medal
Trapped Minion Consecutive (117)
Leviathan Harpooning
Masquerade Participant
Team Nico
Bronze Steele Plot Trophy
Gold Survival 2012 Trophy
Snowball War
Camp Veta 2016 Participant -
Wishes
Rainbow Vortex
Bottled Rainbow Ruckus
100 Point Wizard Token
250 Point Wizard Token
500 Point Wizard Token
1000 Point Wizard Token
Recycled Montre Plushie
Recycled Hipottu Plushie
Extra Long Multicolored ScarfFull Wishlist
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Sticky Fun
Sticker Album -
~Shrine of Memoriam~
Saria (2003-2013)
Saria
(Tribute Pet is mine)
My baby girl. I miss you terribly and I am so, so sorry that we couldn't save you.
Raven (1994-2008)
Wallpaper
(Tribute pet belonging toZelly)
Toby(Flame Tail) and Stormy (Tabby)
(2004-2011) ------ (2005-2011)
-Stormy-
(Tribute Pet is mine)
-Toby-
(Tribute Pet belonging toZelly)
Koda (2004-2017)
-Doozer-
(Tribute Pet is mine)
Greylord the Bear is a tribute to our dogs Cookie and Bear. I don't have any photos right now and his profile is under heavy construction but it didn't feel right not including it.
Pickle is my own tribute to Toby. The name Pickle comes from his middle name, inspired by a book I read as a child. Toby loved plush animals so a Nostalgic Feli seemed only fitting as a callback to both Toby and my childhood.
Last but most certainly not least,Zelly's pet Saint Valentine is a tribute to both Stormy and one of Stormy's littermates... the little dear was stillborn but he was still a beautiful baby and we know Stormy and Toby are taking good care of him.
