Nevermind
Legacy Name: Nevermind

I feel like there’s two parts of my brain. The two screens of my computer. The one that’s doing something, a task at hand, always busy - the second one that must always be consuming. The second monitor, where something, anything, must be playing. A video, a stream, a podcast, mindless inconsequential words flowing into my head.
As long as they fill the silence.
There’s a block, a wall that stumps the first one - if the second is not occupied, no work can be done. There’s no sitting and doing if there’s nothing playing in the background.
Why is it?
What happens when there’s nothing playing?
The emptiness….

It feels like lassoing a wild horse, unwilling to take commands. It wants to run free, and I'd love to let it, but it doesn’t seem to know where it wants to go.

So I tame it back, with mindless content, so I can make myself do anything at all.

Maybe the silence is a reminder of isolation. Maybe that’s why i’m always going back to the same channels, reaching for familiar content, comforting voices i know better than my own. I learn about their lives, and at some point it feels like hanging out with friends, in a relaxed afternoon, after much laughter, the sleepy lull of a time well spent together, hearing them talk about things that don’t really matter - as long as you can sense their presence.

Except you can’t talk to them back - they can’t hear you. These friends don’t know who you are, they know nothing about you.

And there’s the isolation, again.

I want to focus on people that know I exist, but who? Where do I find them?
Are there any left?