Information

Distressed
Legacy Name: Distressed

The Graveyard Chelon
Owner: Santa

Age: 17 years, 4 months, 1 week

Born: December 6th, 2006

Adopted: 17 years, 4 months, 1 week ago (Legacy)

Adopted: December 6th, 2006 (Legacy)

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Statistics

• Level: 25
   
• Strength: 50
   
• Defense: 15
   
• Speed: 30
   
• Health: 23
   
• HP: 23/23
   
• Intelligence: 0
   
• Books Read: 0
• Food Eaten: 0
• Job: Unemployed

Do you spend the majority of your life worrying? Do you ever lie awake at night in torment unable to turn off your mind? Have you ever felt stressed? Do you have green eyes?

If you answered yes or even maybe to any of these questions, then you may be suffering from a rare and painful condition, called Distressed Syndrome.

Suffers of Distressed Syndrome will often feel stressed out in their day to day life. They may worry an abnormal amount about money, work, school, food, elephants, gas prices, politics, and how others view them. Suffers usually possess certain genetic traits, such as having either red, blue, blonde, brown, or black hair, having two eyes, two arms, two feet, and a in most cases, a head.;

Symptoms of Distressed Syndrome include:
Anxiety
Insomnia
Headache
Weight Gain
Weight Loss
Hair Growth
Sore Feet
Love of Chocolate
Craving for Spicy Foods
Fear of Commitment
Fear of Being Committed
Having a Name With A, E, I, O, or U in it.


For thousands of years, suffers with Distressed Syndrome were forced to leave their disorder untreated. Luckily, this is no longer the case, mostly. The FDA has recently approved of a pill that will cure all symptoms of Distressed Syndrome allowing you to live a kinda normal life.

Wait, there's more, let me explain.

These pills, named Ack!,will completely remove most of your symptoms, maybe, and will also probably remove the stress that you're feeling.

These pills, which are about the size of your average tennis ball, must not be cut or crushed in any way or they will become ineffective. Five pills must be taken every hour, on the hour, with the exception of 2 o'clock, when you must take the pills at exactly 2:12. Before you take these pills, you must first consume an entire glass of milk, two granola bars, and a taco.

Side effects from Ack! are usually mild but may include the following:

Toothache
Stomach ache
Backache
Extreme head pain
Extreme flatulence
Trouble concentrating
Trouble breathing
Changes in eye color
Uncontrollable bouts of juggling
Increased desire to gambling
Sudden numbness, especially in areas of the buttocks
Hallucinations
Melting of flesh
Severe crying spells
Bloody tears
Narwhal sightings
Broken bones
Tooth loss
Tooth growth
Meatball growth in ears
Blueish tint to skin
Aversion to show tunes
Increased urge to eat human flesh
Leprosy
Inability to wear underpants
In rare cases, peeing fire


If you believe you may be suffering from Distressed Syndrome, talk to your doctor about prescribing Ack!.

Be sure to tell your doctor about any medications you may be taking, as failure to do so can cause spontaneous human combustion.

You should not take Ack! if you are nursing, pregnant, may become pregnant, have a uterus, or wear a size six shoe. Ack! may cause drowsiness, so you should not operate heavy machinery, ride a camel, or eat cereal while taking Ack! Until you know how it will affect you.

Talk to your physician if you experience ringing in ears, male lactation, loss of motor skills, or increased urge to eat toilet paper as this can be signs of a potentially life-threatening condition. Do not take part in any sexual activity while in an elevator while taking Ack!.

Stop taking Ack! and talk to your doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than four weeks, you grow male body parts, your male body parts falls off, or if you die. If you do die, Ack! can not be held responsible for any wrongful death claims as you are forfeiting the rights to live when you start taking Ack!. Thanks and have a great day ;D

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