Florissa
Legacy Name: Florissa

We were happy, you and I.
We laughed and talked for hours.
We held hands and watched meteor showers.
We roller-bladed and skinned our knees.
We went hiking,
picnicked on the edge of the canyon.
Sky diving,
hand-gliding,
cross-country skiing,
and snow shoeing.

The diamond glittered.
I said yes.

You gave me flowers.
I gave you myself.
You gave me chocolates.
I gave you everything else.
You said you loved me.

We said I do.

What changed?
Between you and I.
What did I do to bring on such a mood?
Why did you lie?

I thought at first it was just stress.
I thought at first it was maybe a test.
I thought something wasn't just right.
You told me you love me.
I thought it was all right.

But then....
You clipped my wings.
You kept me isolated.
Here I loved you,
promised you my life,
Yet you made me cry.

We pushed all my friends away.
We told my family, another day.
Until the phone stopped ringing,
until the invites stopped coming.

I changed my job to better suit you.
I changed my life for availability to you.
I became what I despised,
a housewife built around lies.
More make up,
bigger shades,
long sleeves,
shy from parades.

I never saw it, how could I?
We were in love.
I adored you.
I loved you,

In return...
You pained my body,
enslaved my soul,
crushed my spirit.
Still I crawled back for more.
Love is more than just blind.

Why wasn't it enough?
Why can't I be good enough?
Why must we continue to fight?

Don't raise your voice.
Don't raise your hand.
Don't tell me I am fat.
Don't tell me I am bad.
I'm not in the mood.
Please.. .. oh please.. not again....

I tried so hard to make it right.
To please you,
to make you smile.
To have you say more than
'I'm sorry, I'll change.'

You put locks on the fridge.
Chained the cupboards tight.
Wouldn't let me go out at night.
I can't leave the yard.
I can't leave the house.
You kept me like a slave,
..for selfish pleasure...
but it's not okay.

I tried to leave you today.
Packed my bags,
you stood in my way.
Said things would change.
Be like they were in the early days.
I put my stuff away.
How could I not remember yesterday?

It took seven tries,
Seven to learn,
Seven to realize,
Seven to wait.

You left for work,
I left my ring.
I didn't pack a bag,
I didn't take much of anything.
I emptied my purse,

took only my ID.
My photos of before you.

I had to squeeze out of a second story window.
Jump off the porch cover,
I ran down the street in my bare feet.
I never felt so free!

With a police report I raised my chin.
With aide from a center I stilled my nerves.
The court date I gained my spine to stand tall.
It wasn't the outcome I had hoped,
It wasn't the results I had dreamed.
I regained what you torn down.

My life was mine again.
Without my abuser.
Not everyone is able to escape.
Not everyone can leave alive.

I managed.
I still cry.