Moods has a minion!

Stability the Bottled Happiness

5/3 It's 5:30 and I've had enough. This is the third night without any sleep and it's starting to show. If I don't force my eyes closed now, things will only get worse.

5/4 I'm feeling OK. I ended up getting 5 hours of sleep... better than nothing. I hope I'll be able to sleep more tonight because I feel lightheaded. I spent all day inside and did nothing at all. Sometimes I wonder why I bother getting up in the first place. These past 2 days I've talked to nobody and I haven't felt missed. It's my own fault really, man am I melodramatic.

5/5 Honestly, (illegible) it. I'm not even tired, and I'm getting work done. I've cleaned out my desk and organized everything. There's a small light in the window of the building across from me, and every time I look at it my heart races. It sounds insane but I feel drawn to it somehow.

5/6 My nocturnal tendencies continue to grow. I slept in yesterday, but despite still only getting 4 hours of rest, I feel full of energy tonight. In fact, the longer I'm awake the more energy I seem to have. This is absurd, maybe I should see a doctor.

5/7 There's a moth trapped in my room. I feel sorry for it but I don't feel like walking down 9 flights of stairs. The screen on my windows won't come out no matter how I try. The moth is small and dusty brown, and keeps flying directly into my lamp. I am now writing in the dark so it stops hitting the lightbulb. I don't want it to get hurt and the noise is irritating.

5/10 My sister made me see a doctor, and they've told me to continue writing these entries to keep track of how I'm feeling. They also recommended I include my mood on a scale from 1 to 10. I hate that, how do I even know if I've ever experienced either extreme? I guess I'm at a 5 right now.

5/11 Apparently it's not normal to experience amphetamine-like highs after having caffeine. It's been recommended to me to stick to green tea from now on.

5/15 I can't bare it anymore. My head feels like it's intercepting every thought around me. I can't think with all this noise. I'm in pain and I just need it to stop! I keep hitting my head because I don't know what else to do. It feels like my body is filled with electricity. I want to fly into a lightbulb like that stupid moth!

5/17 I'm being put on medication, and I'm not surprised. If it can stop this sensation I'll take it for eternity. Last night I spent 2 hours mechanically tearing hairs off my body. And that was the most stimulating thing I did all day. I tried to go outside but I felt overwhelmed by the sounds and lights. I bumped into an old friend and couldn't stop talking to her. What's wrong with me! It was so embarrassing.

5/19? I went with Dana to the liquor store last night and stole a handle of absolut. I won't say what happened after. I'm feeling insanely depressed. I've been crying all day in bed. I have no idea why.

5/30 I can't believe how much better I feel. I didn't know this was possible. Is this how everyone else feels? I've been able to concentrate on things, and I don't dread every morning. Today I was taking a walk and I saw a moth flying. During the day! Well, I guess it might have been a butterfly... but either way it felt like a sign.

6/5 Things aren't perfect, but I'm so happy to be alive. I've been keeping my curtains open so that the sun wakes me up. Tomorrow I'm going to look for jobs. I'm scared that I won't be able to do it honestly. But everyone's been saying I have to push myself if I want to get better. I found a dead moth behind my bookshelf today, it must be the one that was flying around here weeks ago. Poor thing, I should have let it out. I don't know why but I decided to bury it. Maybe just to make myself feel better. I wonder how it even got in my room to begin with.

This story is inspired by my personal experiences with bipolar disorder. For more information on bipolar disorder visit NIMH

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