Information



Awareness
Legacy Name: Awareness


The Storm Kerubi
Owner: Riu

Age: 4 years, 3 months, 1 week

Born: December 17th, 2019

Adopted: 3 years, 9 months, 1 day ago

Adopted: June 27th, 2020


Pet Spotlight Winner
April 2nd, 2021

Statistics


  • Level: 10
     
  • Strength: 19
     
  • Defense: 13
     
  • Speed: 10
     
  • Health: 10
     
  • HP: 10/10
     
  • Intelligence: 33
     
  • Books Read: 25
  • Food Eaten: 2
  • Job: Register Clerk


Anxiety is a constant storm

Inspired to finally write this because of the poem Friends with benefits
By Jae Nichelle video here text version in credits below.

Stormy Pearl
Relationships. They are never easy, especially a relationship with oneself. Oftentimes we are not raised to have genuine love for ourselves. The kind of love we constantly hear about: self love. We should be teaching ourselves to love the person we are, to embrace our self.

Box of Childhood Memories
When I was a little girl I was always afraid of people and to be honest I still am. I developed that thing called anxiety, perhaps I was born with it? It's been with me my entire life. I was raised with fear, to fear, to constantly be afraid and it is still hard not to be afraid of the unknown. Anxiety and I have had the longest relationship, and usually the reason why my friendships and other relationships have failed. Was it always my fault? No. But I know anxiety must have played a part in it.

Black Colored Pencil
Black Keyboard
If I could tell you what it feels like, it feels like my heart is racing, like I've been running but I haven't moved. My mind is racing and I'm telling myself things that might not be rational or perhaps an overreaction. Whether it's what I wear or what I've said. I have to constantly go over what I'm about to say before I say it. Anxiety has taught me to even fear a conversation before it's happened. I promise you that before I've written something in a message I've at least gone over it for over five, ten minutes and even then once I press send I already regret it. If it's social media I've probably deleted it within minutes, maybe a day at most. I second guess myself all the time. If I had to explain: anxiety is a monster, always lingering, always watching, always waiting.

Broken Silver Mirror
Anxiety has made me feel like I am weak, has made me crumble in ways I felt no one could imagine. I can't ignore it or "get over it". Accompanied by depression it's not an easy fight. I am shaking inside when my anxiety strikes and most of the time no one knows I'm having an attack. I don't hide it, sometimes I freeze, I can't move or talk and it's hard to swallow. I don't shake on the outside like I am inside, I'm sweating on the outside, crying on the inside, but I don't scream, I just shut down. I take medication and I'm not ashamed, but even then it gets out of hand.

Daily Pills
I'm fighting every day with anxiety. It makes me think things that are not true but has a way of always making me believe it. I'm pretty sure the thoughts that it puts in my mind are the reason I lay awake at night thinking about all the things that could go wrong, why I feel like a bad mom, or that I am unlikeable, unlovable: no one could ever love me. Those words were spoken to me once before and my mind never lets it die. It's constantly bringing it up throughout my life.

Broken Heart Plushie
Growing up I went through relationships like thin water. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I wanted someone to overpower anxiety's words but to be honest it made it worse. I had to learn to love myself because no one taught me what that was. I always tell people to love themselves first because it really is important. They always say they can't and I get it, I thought that too. But you can. I began to love being single, I began to truly take care of myself, love myself, nurture myself. I wasn't even looking when I met my now husband.

Arctic Frost Baby New Year Wrap
When I had my son I knew things had to be different. Even still that "monster" turned to my son. The thoughts I had would scare any mom. I never knew postpartum anxiety even existed until I took a class. I'd lose sleep all the time with the constant yelling in my mind. But after having him I had to learn to speak up even when I was scared, when the anxiety overtook. He gave me strength and courage I never knew I had to finally quiet the shouting. I still struggle some days more, some days less, but with my kids I am able to continue the fight. Whether I win or sometimes lose I've had enough of anxiety always winning.

Cracked Saheric Mosaic Tile Pieces
It probably isn't easy to be around me, a person with anxiety. I hope one day I can truly say I'm cured because my life has changed and my heart is full. My mind used to be empty just me and my thoughts, I would hide behind my mom, a coat, a sweater, my hair, a lover or behind the crowd where no one could see me, anywhere that I could feel safe.

I realize now that all my life I've been too concerned with living with anxiety instead of putting up a bigger fight. But one day, maybe one day soon I can change those thoughts and take control because I now have a son, a daughter and a husband to keep me strong.
Carved Ice Gemstones

credits:

profile template by piers
Writing by Riu


Friends with benefits
By Jae Nichelle

My anxiety and I have what some would call a friends with benefits relationship.
We have no love for each other but she still just
f'---s with me sometimes you know?

She and I moved in together some years ago.
We have inside jokes.
Like when I say “I’m gonna go talk to that person over there”
my anxiety looks at me and is like “b----, please”

My anxiety is the reason I didn’t talk to you.
She’s possessive.
She doesn’t like me talking to other people.
She’s irrational.

Because of her
I’ll take the long way to my building to avoid someone I’ve already passed by twice
Because I don’t know if it's acceptable to say “hey–” a third time.

Because of her
I don’t correct servers who get my order wrong at restaurants I just eat it
because maybe sweet potato fries are what I wanted
But the broccoli you gave me is what I needed? Thank you.

Because of her
I’ll take the long the way to my building to avoid someone
who kind of looked like my ex boyfriend.
Because whenever I hand her the aux cord,
She makes sure to play back all the times
He told me no one else would ever want me
Because of her
I still think no one else will ever want me

I constantly wonder
What happens to a black girl who is too anxious
To ever feel like magic?
can she still be fly
with wings that tremble?
Can she forget the lifestyle of an ant?
The fear that no matter what she does she is in danger of being crushed

And my anxiety doesn’t like to be made into metaphors
But what I’m trying to say is
she is constantly reminding me of how easy I am to crush.
As I speak,
I am pushing against her weight on my shoulders
and that is why I shake sometimes.
I have to fight
To stand up straight
Stop rocking

She and I picked out this outfit together. Something that dries fast.

If I am sweating
It is because standing on this stage
Is like fighting a boxing match that you can’t even see
and I am determined to knock her out.
I have been fighting her for control of our house, for years.
fighting to not crack

Stop rocking.

Dont shake.

Breathe.

I think
the reason that my relationships don’t work out
is because no one knows they’re signing up for a threesome

I understand.
I know how hard it is to live with both of us.

When we don’t like feeling out of control.
we don’t handle conflict well
we don’t handle being yelled at well
everything you say to us will be repeated and deconstructed and analyzed in our head a million times after
and if I am silent for a while,
it is because I have to fight with her before I can fight with you.

I have tried to cut her off before.

I cannot.

We do not handle separation well.
Because of our parents,
I mean our ex
I mean our friends

Breathe.

So I guess
My anxiety and I just learned to live together.

She is the longest relationship I have ever had.
and as everyone else leaves
She is the only relationship that I can count on.

Pet Treasure


Theyre All Going To Laugh At You Sticker

NO Storm Cloud Sticker

Lightning Cloud Model

Crackling Tempest Marble

Thunderstorm Weather Sticker

Lightning Bolt

Grumpy Lightning Sticker

Tragic Muse

Be Kind Sticker

Rain Weather Sticker

Pet Friends