Twilitosis
Legacy Name: Twilitosis

Heartococcus Twilitosis, the great viral epidemic sweeping the nation, originated in Twilight, a 434 page waste of ink and paper, bound in black, with a picture of an apple on the front. It makes excellent firewood and is great for scaring little kids, but be careful, accidental contact with the content of the book can result in contraction of the deadly Twilight Virus (see below).

Plot

The plot has Stephenie Meyer Mary Sue Bella fainting and having heart attacks because she gets so DAZZLED by the fact her marble fetishist dreams are being made reality.

Every boy to get close to her wants to hook up with Bella because they don't know she will someday trip over her own two feet and kill herself in the near future. But Bella says, "NO. I HAVE SPARKLEMAN."

Then Bella goes to a larger town to go shopping and somehow nearly gets attacked by some sandal wearing thugs. But then Edward turns up out of nowhere and saves her, and on the drive home he confesses to her that he's a vampire (which we all knew from the back cover).

Some other stuff happens. The scene where the "vegetarian" vampires are bonked on the head by human vegetarians for choosing such a stupid name to call themselves, was sadly cut in the final edit (unlike anything else).

An evil vamp manages to lure Bella away, because she hopes that she will finally lose her virginity. He tries to kill her, but Edward comes and saves the day... right after she gets bitten by the evil vamp. After Edward saves her, she asks why he took so long to help her. He replies with "Because I took the Volvo".

Then they live happily ever after until the next book, which is equally as stupid as the first. When Edward takes a day trip without her, Bella tries commit suicide, but runs into a plot device which blocks what would have been fatal fall (to everybody's disappointment). Incidentally, in Meyer's dreadful novel, young Bella Swan is described being in a relationship with Jacob Black.

The Twilight Virus

Twilight is the epidemic virus genetically engineered by the diabolical scientist known as Stephanie Meyer. When Stephanie was just a young girl, her older sister had asked her to wash her car for her. Stephanie felt cornered and manipulated by this devious request. Hatred filled her lungs with every breath she took for years to come. She wanted revenge. She had to create something that would instill a high influence on people in return. A very high influence at that, the infection caused TFG (Twilight Fan Girl) blood levels of .86. They were intoxicated by the plague that she developed in the walls of her own home.

Transmission

The virus is more likely to infect girls, and the occasional, odd homosexual male. It can be implanted while even merely browsing over the novel. Mere gloves will not protect any one from the substance. The virus triggers your neurological cells to self produce its own form of the virus, as you scan across the pages with your eyes. The virus then hastily enters your leukocytes and erythrocytes to reproduce a mutated copy of the RNA. The virus has been known to kill anybody who isn't compatible with the virus.

Symptoms

The symptoms of the Heartococcus Twilitosis (AKA Vampy Sue Syndrome) virus are similar to the less severe epidemic known as HIV. A very unique effect has been shown from this pandemic. A list of general symptoms may include:

• -Ridiculously mourning over people that have never existed
• -Dying your hair black, wearing sparkles, and shopping at Hot Topic
• -Self induced vomiting and manically yelling "Team Edward!"
• -Ditching your old boyfriend in hopes of a guy that is just like Edward
• -Performing the opposite of the catholic cross in hopes that Stephanie, the god of the new world, will provide you with your own Edward.
• -Avoiding direct sunlight
• -Strange fascinations with blood. (Most girls with the virus decide to drink their own period, thinking that it will make them more like Edward)
• -Getting pissed at people who read Dracula.
• -Getting pissed at people who play Castlevania.
• -(Males only) decreased size in manhood (in some case complete loss of and reclassification of set male to it)

Treatment

There is no known cure for Heartcoccus Twilitosis. However, experts have studied and concluded that symptoms can be alleviated. Possible methods of protecting replication of the virus include:

• -Throwing bibles and other holy books at all the stupid fan girls and yourself if you have become infected
• -Igniting libraries
• -Consuming each page of the book in which Bella calls out for help (all)
• -Getting rid of/burning all Twilight books/posters/etc. and dancing around the fire.
• -Hunting Stephanie Myers down and beating her to death with all seven Harry Potter books
• -Throw holy water on the individual infected with the virus. Unless they are total retards, they will immediately realize that they are in fact not vampires when it does not scorch their flesh. (Don't fret, if you intend on burning them, simply douse them in kerosene and set them alight.)
• -If you are the one inflicted and realize that you have this problem, it may just be better for you and everyone else if you kill yourself.

Virologists have been noting that while no given cure has been announced, a possible vaccination is in development and is proved effective in some cases. The suppository vaccination mass includes merely two known ingredients: emo tears and nothing less than the blood of Stephanie Myers.