Cassie Ainsworth has a minion!

Cassie and Sid the Lovely Couple

premade profile by Chen

you can put any face behind a mask

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Cassie gingerly handled the little plastic bag of sweeties she had bought at the market up the road after meeting her boyfriend Sid for tea. She hated buying food. The rows and rows of decisions, temptations, gluttony, people, whispers, giggles, numbers she musn't eat, and numbers she craved. She imagined all the people who thought "too thin, she needs it" and the ones who criticized "not thin for long if she eats that" and the ones who didn't even notice and were instead endlessly ruminating about this morning's watery coffee or the cavalcade of ways to fix a garbage disposal.

But now in her room she was safe from the stares. She counted. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight bars of chocolate. They would have to be stacked in fours. She liked symmetry. She liked fours and multiples of four. The world made more sense that way.

Cassie slipped a finger inside a metal loop attached to her chest of drawers and pulled. Once open, the chest displayed a vast array of sweeties and biscuits and snack foods all lined up and stacked like Lego blocks. For Cassie, food was precious -- sacred even. Of course, certain foods were inherently better than others. The rich chocolates, the salty savories, the sugar-laden sweeties. These were sacred and toxic all at once and held a terrifying power. Cassie musn't ever eat any of these delicacies.

Instead, she ran her fingers delicately across the packaging as one might luxuriate in a satin dress. She had to be fully present for every tactile sensation. She brought the unopened chocolate bar to her face and softly -- and quite intimately, truth be told -- rubbed the bar across the paper-thin skin of her lips.

But the food musn't be eaten. Instead, she inhaled the rich aroma that wafted strongly from beneath the packaging -- this was a feast for the visual, olfactory, and tactile senses only.

Cassie caressed each chocolate bar, inhaling its scent, finding patterns in the packaging. Then, slowly, she placed each bar in the designated location adjacent to the Tim Tams. Once completed, she gazed at her collection with pride and longing. She was strong. She did not need to eat these. She could enjoy them just as fully by organizing, scent-indulging, label-reading, and counting.

But there was always a niggling thought in Cassie's head. A tiny voice that made her rituals seem normal, almost like a prayer. I can eat one of the chocolate bars tomorrow. I've been good, I'm allowed. Tomorrow, I'll have one. But there were never any tomorrows. She knew some things were just for looking. And hunger? Hunger could not be trusted.



Cassie Ainsworth is © Skins
Story by nymphet
Note: If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please seek help by contacting The National Eating Disorder Association at their confidential toll-free hotline at (800)-931-2237 or by texting “NEDA” to 741741. You can and will find the strength, power, and support to fight ED and take back control of your life again. You are so much more than a number and you are loved.