my story TW: DRUGS/SEX

*takes a sip of coffee*
...Step one, we admitted we were..... Omg, what am I doing up here and why are there so many people
...and they will materialize before you are halfway done oh shit, we are on the promises already? I forgot what I wanted to say...this is why they tell you not to rehearse ...

Thankyou readers for helping me get this meeting started, now for why we are here! My lead tonight is Valerie, she's always been here early to set up and is very active, I'm sure you all know her! She's celebrating her one year anniversary with us tonight, so if you give her your undivided attention, I'm sure she can tell you something to get you through the next twenty-four hours! I give you Valerie!

Hello family, like the chairperson said my name is Valerie, can we start tonight by saying the serenity prayer?
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen."
My name is Valerie and I'm an alcoholic.
"Hello Valerie!"
My sobriety date is August 12, 2013. I have a sponsor and a homegroup. The big book tells me to tell you in a general way, what it used to be like, what happened, and what I am like today

First of I would love to stand here and tell you guys that my childhood didn't play apart in who I am today, but I would be lying. It's evident because almost every story I've heard has the same beginning... That's why the big book tells us to share what it used to be like. It's important. The pain, the laughter, the exciting moments as children paved our path as adults -and the way we learned to deal with trauma- are why we sit in these rooms today. My childhood was my childhood. I can't tell you I ever went hungry, even the times I was put on punishment -when the paddle beatings didn't work- I was fed bread and water, but those types of punishments werent common, mostly because they weren't necessary, i was a great kid. My parents loved me and i loved them. And they did the best they could, especially my mother. She raised all four of us, my twin sister and two younger brothers, by herself. My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was very young. His leg ended up paralyzed because they had to cut a tumor off his sciatic nerve. My sister and I were molested at a very young age, up until we were young adults. I allowed it to go on longer than she, but I think it affected her worse. I think that's what caused the screwed up way I viewed myself and how love was meant to be received and reciprocated. I was insecure (but then again who wasn't?)I was searching for something, and to this day I'm not sure way it was. I wanted all the attention and affection of my peers. I dressed as a tomboy, I got great grades, and I always did what I was supposed to do. I hung around the right and wrong crowds, the girl who everyone knew... I never had a "best-friend" I relied on my sister for hers. In middle school there were kids having sex, smoking, stealing, drinking, cheating...those were the kids I hung around with. They didn't mind my goody good self much, they always had the homework answers, Haha!

I really didn't get involved with boys until 16, when I took my first real drink. I can remember it was a 40oz of corona and I remember thinking ok Val, drink all of this, show them that you can be cool, keep it together, stay classyI ended up falling head over heels for a 22yr old man, and ultimately traded my virginity for the cold beer! I thought this man really cared about me, there was one cold one left and he gave it to me. After that I was heartbroken because, much to my surprise, he never tried to get into contact with me ever again...until about three years later. After that I used drugs as an escape from reality, I didn't realize then what I was doing. The constant parties and hookups to fill that imaginary void inside myself. I don't want anyone to feel sympathy for me. No one held a gun to me and told me to drink and get high, it was in my own free will. The future endeavors I put myself through are because of my choices and my decisions. I'm standing here today because alcohol and all the other substances made me into someone i didnt enjoy. I would over board and obsess over drinking, to the point where if I'm not the last one drinking and the first one drinking in the morning I'm missing out on something. And that evolved into trying every drug i could possibly try. There was no other reason to drink if I wasn't going to be trashed. And the list of things I did to get ahold off shit is humiliating. I stole from my family. Stealing money from my mother's purse, selling my brothers video games. The alcoholic mind told me I was still a good sister because I didn't steal the games they still played. My sister and I were sneaky like that. I eventually got involved with sex work, after I lost my job. I can't imagine the pain my mother felt, I owe everything I have and the person I am because of her. The gratitude I have for her can't be put into words. I didn't even see the downhill spiral I was falling into. Obviously something is wrong when you're taking home 800$+ every two weeks but you're phone is off, you're car and insurance isn't paid. Alcohol and drugs werent the problem -in my mind- it was the solution. I eventually lost it all, obviously. I was turning into an a shell of a person, someone who felt entitled to things and was confused what the problem was with everyone around me.

I'm going to try and go through this part quickly because I believe the important part of leads is not all the horrible things we've done and experienced, but the person we are today, thanks to this program, is. Eventually things got so bad my we got kicked out of the house. I never came back for a very long time. Unless you count Thanksgiving... only because of the joke I would get a present (money). It made perfect sense to me at the time that holidays, all if them, I would receive money, duh! Now I left a beautiful home to live on the streets. Living in homes where raids were common, sleeping on couches in the basement, and so on. I sold my body and stole to get my high. It was no longer that sweet friend I thought it was, but it turned into a need. When I want drinking I was thinking about drinking. When I was drunk I was thinking about how to get high later. Eventually I ended up in a squatter home. No running water or heat. Even sure pizza out of the dumpster. I told myself it was safe, it was winter so the pizza froze before bacteria and germs got a chance to form. I found myself tricked by a man and was he's against my will. This is where I was raped and beaten for a few weeks, until one day he beat me so bad the cops were called by another man who was in the house.

I ended up going into treatment on valentines day, bless my mothers heart. but that wasnt the end of my addiction. More fast forwarding because i honestly barely remember some of the parts after this. I ended up leaving the treatment center early, the reason is still no clear to me. That just led me to the same path i was already on, without skipping a beat. of course i was involved with sex work again, that part didnt really bother me much, or maybe i was numb to what i was doing. .... STILL WORKING ON MY STORY