Information
I Rock the Telerok
Sonnet
Legacy Name: Thunk
The Chibi Telenine
Owner: Pureflower
Age: 7 years, 2 months, 6 days
Born: January 22nd, 2017
Adopted: 7 years, 2 months, 6 days ago
Adopted: January 22nd, 2017
Statistics
- Level: 40
- Strength: 44
- Defense: 10
- Speed: 10
- Health: 10
- HP: 10/10
- Intelligence: 58
- Books Read: 45
- Food Eaten: 0
- Job: Store Manager
They can get into any food container, sleep anywhere they like and their bodies create the most fantastic smells yet they insist on trying to feed rabbit food to unsuspecting dogs as a joke and they cover their lovely natural scent with nasty goo that smells like dead flowers.
Then they yell at us for trying to dig in the flowerbed.
Since humans do so many strange things without bothering to explain, I've made it my mission in life to find as many ways as possible to annoy my lady. I'm here today to share some of my favorite techniques in the hopes that you, my fellow four-legged reader, will become the best source of human annoyance you can be.
Your bark is the most powerful tool you have. Bark at absolutely everything that moves, whether it's alive or not. In fact, I prefer the not-alive things because they can't bark back and remind you that you were once the runt of the litter. (That would be my idiot brother Woody talking. He was the firstborn and he never stops bragging that fact up. I think it just gave Mom more chances to sit on him and mess up what little brain he has.)
The only not-alive things you really have to watch out for are the rumbles. Humans use them to haul dirt (because they have no nifty claws for digging), to cut grass (so we dogs have something nice and smelly to roll in) and to move big, heavy rocks (so they can fill the holes we make because for some reason, humans can dig wherever they want. If we do it, we're BAD dogs.)
There are also rumbles that humans get inside. One of these brought Woody and I away from Mom and to our forever home. It was the most terrifying hour of our lives! I warn my human for the longest time not to trust her blue rumble every morning but she always ignores me and went to a place called "work". She'd get really growly when she talked about it. If I ever get my teeth in this "work" thing, I'll rip it into dog meat. At least she finally came to her senses and now stays home all day to play with me.
Next on the list is paw-smacks. You can use them to let your human know it's go-run-outside time or to remind a lazy human that their petting hand isn't doing its job. You can paw-smack your toys around to see how far it'll make them fly. Woody likes to reach through the fence and paw-smack bits of food his greedy mouth sent flying out of reach. Pig.
You might be wondering why I prefer paw-smack to snout-bump. Don't get me wrong. A snout is also a highly useful tool. I can flip my food dish to make sure nothing tasty is hiding underneath and sneak a gate latch out of its cradle when those silly humans forget the Sonnet-proof clip. I figure if humans use their hand-paws for so many things, so should I. One of these days I'll master the art of opening the outer gate and spend all day rolling in all the wonderful piles of smelly stuff out in the woods.
(There is a pretty amusing trick I've learned. Sneak up on an unsuspecting human and bump your nose against their butt. They leap in the air like frogs. Hilarious!)
Dig little holes where your human is most likely to trip over them. They can be in front of the kennel door or in the tall grass where they have to search when they're on poop patrol. Their long arms will flail like bird wings and they'll bark things in human that I'm pretty sure would impress a squirrel. Nasty, insulting little tree rats.
If there's fresh-fallen snow, eat enough that you can totally ignore the water set out by your human. Sit and snicker to yourself while your human bangs away at the resulting ice with a stick. The chunks of ice make great toys, as long as you take care of how you pick them up. It's a wonder Woody doesn't freeze his own mouth shut. (Not that I would mind. Tee hee.)
When humans ask you to do anything, give them your best confused look and refuse to do it. As soon as they growl and put their hands in the air and give up, do the thing and give them your best doggie grin. They'll practically throw dog treats in your mouth as a reward for good behavior.
Treat every road your human chooses as a terrible choice. Lunge in the opposite direction or lag behind like there's a grizzly bear half a mile ahead just waiting to make human burgers. When they take the hint and ask which way you want to go, sit and look up at them patiently like you couldn't care less.
Here's the most critical part of being a good Annoyer of Humans. When you've got them absolutely convinced that you are the Alpha, offer them just a spark of hope that they're not a total Omega. Sit on command. Actually bring the toy they ask you to fetch instead of running away with it. Snuggle up to them at the end of walkies and let them just sit and pet you.
Humans forget a year's worth of mischief after five minutes of being puppy-loved.
Humans are weird.
I love them for it.
PETNAME
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PETNAME
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PETNAME
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Story and background photo by Pureflower.
Pet Treasure
Live Love Bark Sticker
Dog Kennel
Leather Dog Collar
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101 Uses for Zombie Drool
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