"Riding the train to Hogwarts was exciting, but the excitement didn't last long. I could barely keep up with my classmates. The Professors often were frustrated with my lack of progress or setting fire to the classroom. One of my Professors started to tear up whenever I entered the classroom; another one gave me the class work and shoved me into the hallway. I loathed the hallway as the scary cat would prowl around and try to catch me doing something wrong... which seemed to be all the time.
"When I was old enough, I was allowed to go to the local wizarding village of Hogsmeade but I only got to visit twice. After that I landed myself in so many detentions that I never had another free weekend.
"In my fifth year I was pretty sure even Dumbledore's patience was waning. Of course, I just suspect that as I never really saw him. Maybe I was paranoid. I mean I had no friends nor did I have Professors that liked me. I was best at Care of Magical Creatures. I say best but I still never had great marks. I spent most of my time hiding in the corner of the Hufflepuff tower willing my wand to work the way I intended or petting one of the Hufflepuff's pets that was around at the time. Pets liked me, as did Hagrid - well he smiled at me anytime he passed.
"At last it was time to take my O.W.L exams. I was so nervous I dropped my wand and set fire to one of the examiners. Then when I tried to finish my last spell, it backfired and turned me into this weird half dog-half octopus thing. Madam Pomfrey tried the rest of the semester to set me right but she had no luck, nor did the healer from St Mungo's who came to look at me. In the end they said since I was alive and reasonably well I would have to go about my life and try to forget that I was human.
"My O.W.L results were delivered to me in the dark alley I was sleeping in. I failed all but three of them and the ones I didn't fail were not high enough to allow me to continue at Hogwarts. I don't know of any jobs in the Muggle world that would take me...so that's why I'm here. "May I please have a job?" I said looking up for the first time to the mostly toothless owner of the Hogshead pub.
"Rub, rub, rub. All I've done the last how-ever-many-years is rub, rub, rub. Glass after glass is rubbed with my dirty cloth in the Hogshead pub, even though none of them really get cleaned. I watch the children come down from Hogwarts on their day off. Laughing and enjoying the magical world. Rub, rub, rub. Hags and other unsavoury people carry on conversations and back alley transactions in hushed voices. Rub, rub, rub. Who needs to think when you clean glasses? Well I guess its good I have so many arms. Rub, rub, rub.
"Sorry, did you want a drink?"
Tiled background courtesy of, and coding help, plus some character ideas from the ever wonderful Ringo.
Newspaper interview by Raven
Original Newspaper .psd by slevin28 at deviantArt - edited for Kwikspell by Paddy
Named after the Kwikspell course from the Harry Potter books by JK Rowling. All references to the Harry Potter world, including places, names and quotations, belong to JK Rowling.