Kwikspell has a minion!

Squib the Frankenpie


The Common Experiment #333
Owner: Paddy

Age: 8 years, 3 months, 4 weeks

Born: June 22nd, 2010

Adopted: 7 years, 6 months, 2 weeks ago

Adopted: April 6th, 2011

Pet Spotlight Winner
April 4th, 2016


  • Level: 5
  • Strength: 9
  • Defense: 11
  • Speed: 10
  • Health: 7
  • HP: 7/7
  • Intelligence: 21
  • Books Read: 21
  • Food Eaten: 2
  • Job: Hopper

"I don't remember my name anymore. Most people call me Kwikspell to make fun of the fact that I'm pretty much a squib. I loved Hogwarts and magic but I was never great shakes at spells or potions or any of that stuff. Every year at Hogwarts I made abysmal marks on my course work and worst still on my exams. Privately, I think Dumbledore allowed me to stay because he took pity on me. I had no family and no home. I was visited by a Hogwarts Professor when I was eleven, but I don't remember who. They found me in a coffee house sweeping. Mysteriously, everyone in the shop left suddenly and I was alone with the Professor. They sat down with me and told me I had magical potential and there was a fund for impoverished children to come to Hogwarts.

"Riding the train to Hogwarts was exciting, but the excitement didn't last long. I could barely keep up with my classmates. The Professors often were frustrated with my lack of progress or setting fire to the classroom. One of my Professors started to tear up whenever I entered the classroom; another one gave me the class work and shoved me into the hallway. I loathed the hallway as the scary cat would prowl around and try to catch me doing something wrong... which seemed to be all the time.

"When I was old enough, I was allowed to go to the local wizarding village of Hogsmeade but I only got to visit twice. After that I landed myself in so many detentions that I never had another free weekend.

"In my fifth year I was pretty sure even Dumbledore's patience was waning. Of course, I just suspect that as I never really saw him. Maybe I was paranoid. I mean I had no friends nor did I have Professors that liked me. I was best at Care of Magical Creatures. I say best but I still never had great marks. I spent most of my time hiding in the corner of the Hufflepuff tower willing my wand to work the way I intended or petting one of the Hufflepuff's pets that was around at the time. Pets liked me, as did Hagrid - well he smiled at me anytime he passed.

"At last it was time to take my O.W.L exams. I was so nervous I dropped my wand and set fire to one of the examiners. Then when I tried to finish my last spell, it backfired and turned me into this weird half dog-half octopus thing. Madam Pomfrey tried the rest of the semester to set me right but she had no luck, nor did the healer from St Mungo's who came to look at me. In the end they said since I was alive and reasonably well I would have to go about my life and try to forget that I was human.

"My O.W.L results were delivered to me in the dark alley I was sleeping in. I failed all but three of them and the ones I didn't fail were not high enough to allow me to continue at Hogwarts. I don't know of any jobs in the Muggle world that would take that's why I'm here. "May I please have a job?" I said looking up for the first time to the mostly toothless owner of the Hogshead pub.

"Rub, rub, rub. All I've done the last how-ever-many-years is rub, rub, rub. Glass after glass is rubbed with my dirty cloth in the Hogshead pub, even though none of them really get cleaned. I watch the children come down from Hogwarts on their day off. Laughing and enjoying the magical world. Rub, rub, rub. Hags and other unsavoury people carry on conversations and back alley transactions in hushed voices. Rub, rub, rub. Who needs to think when you clean glasses? Well I guess its good I have so many arms. Rub, rub, rub.

"Sorry, did you want a drink?"


Tiled background courtesy of, and coding help, plus some character ideas from the ever wonderful Ringo.
Newspaper interview by Raven
Original Newspaper .psd by slevin28 at deviantArt - edited for Kwikspell by Paddy

Named after the Kwikspell course from the Harry Potter books by JK Rowling. All references to the Harry Potter world, including places, names and quotations, belong to JK Rowling.

Pet Treasure

Suspicious Rum Puddle

RUM Sticker

Blood Orange Sour Vegan Ale

Go Citra Vegan Beer

Goatmeal Stout Vegan Ale

Vetan Sunrise Vegan Amber Ale

Wheat For It Vegan Beer

Autumn Dragon Vegan Saison

Cuba Libre

Blueberry Haze

Passionate Hurricane

Peach Crush

Mont Blanc

Romantic Wine Guide

Atebus Regional Champagne

Arctic Frost Regional Champagne

Aged Saheric Wine

Root Beer Barrels

Morostide Drinking Game

Lucky Golden Hikei

Root Rocket Beer

Spaltag Pilsner

Deep Fried Margarita



Breakneck Brew

Gut Champagne Beer

Honey Bumpkin

Sweet Toxic Science Shot

Sweet-N-Spicy Science Shot

Sweet-N-Spicy Science Daiquiri

Sweet Frost Science Daiquiri

Sweet-N-Spicy Science Liquor

Sweet Toxic Science Liquor

Sweet Frost Science Liquor

Sweet Toxic Science Daiquiri

Sweet Frost Science Shot

Shengui Guo Cursed Sake

Omen Long Islands Iced Tea

Centropolis Essence

TRAPPIST Other Worldly Martini

TRAPPIST Deep Space Shot

TRAPPIST Future Draught

TRAPPIST New World Daiquiri

Arctic Frost Spiced Rum

Sacred Lands Mulled Wine


TRAPPIST Discovery Punch

TRAPPIST Cream-N-Who-Knows-What Liquor

TRAPPIST Sweet Honey Spritzer

Shot of Darkside

Blacklight Octopus Ale

Cockroach Killer

White Toxic Xotl Bubbly

Rose Toxic Xotl Bubbly

Prosecco Toxic Xotl Bubbly

Pink Champagne Jelly Shot

Original Toxic Xotl Bubbly

Cinnamon Vodka Jelly Shot

Chocolate Toxic Xotl Bubbly

Muskmelon Vodka Jelly Shot

Blue Curocao Jelly Shot

Timely Stout

Flamenco Flower Shot

More Than Light Beer

Calaca Groom Wedding Toast

Deadly Ambrosia

Pomegranate Apple Cider

Feuer-Chili Beer

Cinnamon Rum

New Year Champagne

Spring Street Black Label Lager

Spring Street Pale Ale

Gunter Beanbag


Gunters Home Brew Sticker

Home Brew Kit

Gunters Vetan Hops


Repeating Beer Pattern Sticker

Pumpkin Apple Cider

Citrus Apple Cider

Drinking Games with Friends

Punch in the Riftail

Starstruck Melon Cocktail

Red Aces Cocktail Bubble

Bees Knees Cocktail Bubble

Gin Rickey Cocktail Bubble

Tuxedo Two Cocktail Bubble

White Lady Cocktail Bubble

Plum-N-Thyme Sparkling Cocktail

Soothing Spiced Cider

Enchanted Frozen Bubbly

Lounge Drink Menu

Pear Cider

Cider Float

Rum Extract

Stemless Mulled Wine Glass

Jolly Jollin

Tsushiin Sake Lager

Esther Homebrew Vesnali Ale

Doppelganger Bock

Merana Mixture

Sweet Blonde


Blood Orange Shandy


Melonbeer Slush

Golden Oats

Drunken Jokes

Flying Beer Pong

Flip Cup

Beer Battleship

Beer Pong

Small Wooden Keg

Traveler Keg

Metal Beer Keg

Grand Gunter Brown Ale

Grand Gunter Stout Ale

Grand Gunter Pale Ale

Grand Gunter Blonde Ale

Grand Gunter Amber Ale

Sunrise Sarsaparilla

Mucus Zombie Zaliva

Wood Bourbon

Seven Layer Dip Shooter

Swirling Galaxy Cocktail

Haunting Nightmare Illumis Cocktail

Spinning Spectrum Illumis Cocktail

Twinkling Glade Illumis Cocktail

Dusted Fallen Leaf Cider

Aurora Bora Shot

Volcanic Lavana Ember Tea

Crackling Reborn Illumis Cocktail

Clink! A Book of Toasts

Lightshow Champagne Coupe

Empty Champagne Bottle

Rreign Tamer Mead

Mulled Apple Cider

Skull Vodka Bottle

Filled Dimpled Beer Stein

Wheat Beer Horn

House IPA

House Pilsner

House Honey Lager

House Oatmeal Stout

House Porter

Not-So-Traditional Drinking Songs

Drinking Like Gunter

Beers of the World

House Amber Lager

House Abbey Ale

House White Beer

Boot of Beer

Beer of Champions

Pilsener Beer Horn

Fresh Pumpkin Spice Ale

Pilfered Ornate Decanter

Mostly Empty Beer

Green Fairy Cocktail

Bloodthirsty Mary

Orbital Punch

Celebratory Bubbly

Velvet Whiskey with a Teal Bag

Strange Ale Barrel

Spilled Drink Sticker

Zombie Pub Crawl Guide

2008 Celebration Champagne Glass

Bloody Brain Shot

Glittering Champagne

Purple Celebration Champagne Glass Plushie

Green Celebration Champagne Glass Plushie

Champagne Window Decal

Celebratory Champagne Sticker

Celebration Champagne Glass Plushie

Blue Celebration Champagne Glass Plushie

White Grape Sparkling Celebration Champagne Flute

Lime Sparkling Celebration Champagne Flute

Blueberry Sparkling Celebration Champagne Flute

Cherry Sparkling Celebration Champagne Flute

Strawberry Sparkling Celebration Champagne Flute

Weathered Sailors Flask

Honey Comb Harvest Ale

Orangey Mulled Wine

Bloody Alien Brain Shot

Poison Apothecary Bottle

Bloody Eyeball Cocktail

Lederhosen Sticker

Dirndl Sticker

Alegarten Lager Sampler

Alegarten Stout Sampler

Purple Plastic Bottle Opener

Green Plastic Bottle Opener

Yellow Plastic Bottle Opener

Red Plastic Bottle Opener

Brown Silly Beer Necklace

Green Silly Beer Necklace

Yellow Silly Beer Necklace

Navy Silly Beer Necklace

Burgundy Silly Beer Necklace

Red Silly Beer Necklace

Pink Silly Beer Necklace

Blue Silly Beer Necklace

Black Silly Beer Necklace

Simple Bottle Opener

Fig Rum Chocolate Roll Cake

The Craft of Craft Beer

Delphi Beach Collectible Stein

Sacred Lands Collectible Stein

Veta Lake Collectible Stein

Centropolis Collectible Stein

Arctic Frost Collectible Stein

Atebus Collectible Stein

Light Blonde Braidbun

Blonde Braidbun

Bistre Braidbun

Raw Umber Braidbun

Russet Braidbun

My First Beer Book

Traditional Alegarten Songbook

Beer Goggles

Frosty Cider

Yellow Painted Alegarten Coaster

Ikumoradeekanox Drinking Game Rules

Wizard Quest Drinking Game Rules

Leviathan Harpooning Drinking Game Rules

Slots Drinking Game Rules

Alegarten Ale Sampler

Dark Ale Beer Horn

Rum Cupcake

Rum Cake

Rum Cookie Balls

Rum Pancakes



Low-Quality Beer Box

Mysterious Bottle

Orange Jelly Shot

Lime Jelly Shot

Grape Jelly Shot

Strawberry Jelly Shot

Blue Raspberry Jelly Shot

Lemon Jelly Shot

Chocolate Shot Cake

2Hot Shot

Strawberry Mint Cocktail

Raspberry Spring

Mint Berry Cocktail

Citrus Evergreen Twist

Lemon and Mint Cocktail

Grapefruit and Pomegranate Kicker

Mint Leaf Cocktail

Sweet Orange Cocktail

Tipsy Grape Cocktail

Triple Bloody Caesar

Spiced Orange Punch

Salted Fruit Granita

Grilled Cherry Sour Cocktail

Bubbly RasBlu Tonic

Grapefruit Melody Cocktail

Lime and Mint Cocktail

Crushed Melon and Mint Cocktail

Citrus Tang Cocktail

Mint Cooler Cocktail

Mango and Peach Cocktail

Lime Slush Cocktail

Blue Cooler Cocktail

Berry Infusion Cocktail

Tangy Lime and Cherry Cocktail

Tangy Cherry Cocktail

Rosewater Champagne

Sweet Mango Orange Cocktail

Sweet Tangerine Cocktail

Strawberry and Lemon Cocktail

Soothing Petal Cocktail

Orange Splash Cocktail

Spiked Grapefruit Seltzer

Relaxing Mist Cocktail

Relaxing Mist Cocktail

Pineapple Splash Cocktail

Orange Splash Cocktail

Strawberry Mint Cocktail

Strawberry Geartini

Strawberry Gear Spritzer

Raspberry Gear Spritzer

Orange Geartini

Orange Gear Spritzer

Lime Gear Spritzer

Lemon Geartini

Lemon Gear Spritzer

Honeydew Cocktail

Blackberry Geartini

Apple Geartini

Strange Green Ale

Brown Broken Bottle

Brewski Brand Brewski

Pink Drink Umbrella

Shinwas Goblet

Purple 2010 Shot Glass

Cheap Green Beer

Festive Mardi Gras Drink

Valentine Drink


Sacred Lands Chardonnay

Thick Ice Goblet

Festive German Meal

Centropolis Stout

Mug of Helles

Tart Fireside Cider

Sweet Fireside Cider

Vegetarian Ale

Beer for Beginners

Scratch Card Drinking Game Rules

Pumpkin Patch Drinking Game Rules

Stocks Drinking Game Rules

Bones Drinking Game Rules

Fishing Drinking Game Rules

Dark Matter Dice Drinking Game Rules

Random Drinking Game Rules

Blue 2010 Shot Glass

Yellow 2010 Shot Glass

Red 2010 Shot Glass

Purple 2010 Shot Glass

Green 2010 Shot Glass

Corn Sugar

Bronze Drinking Horn

Gold Drinking Horn

Six Pack of Amber Ale

Six Pack of Hard Cider

Six Pack of Stout

Six Pack of Pilsner

Six Pack of IPA

Six Pack of Pumpkin Beer

Wall Mountable Bottle Opener

Elmos Flask

Green Painted Alegarten Coaster

Purple Painted Alegarten Coaster

Pink Painted Alegarten Coaster

White Painted Alegarten Coaster

Brown Painted Alegarten Coaster

Blue Painted Alegarten Coaster

Orange Painted Alegarten Coaster

Black Painted Alegarten Coaster

Rotten Bleer

Roach Stale Ale

2012 Coconut Drink

2012 Celebration Drink

Briny Deep

Spring Street Old Ale

Sugar Plum Cocktail

Free Beer

Zombie Beer

Filled Silver Lovely Ale Mug

Filled Gold Lovely Ale Mug

Eighth Anniversary Celebration Champagne

Spring Street Pale Lager

Ginger Rum

Alegarten Beer Sticker

Personal Tankard of Dirty Matty

Filled Bronze Lovely Ale Mug

Pirate Bombo

2012 Spirits Bottle

Malt Extract

Liquid Yeast

Dark Elegance

Shinwas Healing Wine

Spring Street Dark Lager

Spring Street Brown Ale

Scoop of Hops

Sailors Warning

Honey Bea

Flotsam and Jetsam

Sailors Delight

Rally Cocktail

Melodys Special Brew

Eerie Eyeball Drink

Broken Jug

Riverside Aged Whiskey

Rose Wine

Frostberry Vodka

Endless Love Bubbly

Omen Red-Eye

Trashy Bottle

Used Bottle Cap

Aged Scotch

Butlers Tray

Champagne Chocolate Truffle

Sparkling Champagne and Berries

Filet Mignon with Wine Sauce

2008 Celebration Champagne

Peach Schnapps

Beer Burp Mug Candle

Free Beer


Drink of Nogg

Fresh Froth Mug Candle

I Hold My Liquor Sticker

Get Mugged Irish Cream Syrup

Flesh Zombie Zaliva

Eye Jelly Shot

Earwax Zombie Zaliva

Earwax Stale Ale

Dirt Aged Scotch

Delphi Black Label

Dehydrated Mug Candle

Lame One Liner Mug Candle

Morning Hangover Mug Candle

Vegetarian Ale

Rotten Aged Scotch

Salty Peanut Mug Candle

Saloon Photograph

Glowing Red Eyeball Drink

Glowing Yellow Eyeball Drink

Glowing Strange Eyeball Drink

Glowing Blind Eyeball Drink

Glowing Blue Eyeball Drink

Pus Zombie Zaliva

Acid Zombie Zaliva

Drool Zombie Zaliva

Snot Zombie Zaliva

Blood Bleer Boot

Urine Bleer Boot

Charcoal Bleer Boot

Roach Bleer Boot

Regular Stale Ale

Rotten Stale Ale

Earwax Bleer

Regular Bleer

Rattail Grog

Cider Ale Mug Candle

The Mega Grog

Homemade Dark Rum

Ginger Rum

Bleeding Drink

Darkside Malt

Alegarten Mug Plushie

Pumpkin Juice

Guarded Flask

Silver Drinking Horn


Shadowglen Collectible Stein

Atebus Ale

Bile Aged Scotch

Brain Bleer Boot

Bloody Stale Ale

Bloodshot Eye Jelly Shot

Candy Corn Shot

Blood Zombie Zaliva

Bloody Eye Jelly Shot

Blood Aged Scotch

Bloody Bleer

Empty Beer Bottle

Filled Beer Bottle

Wine Glass

Charmed Red 2011 Wine Glass

Miniature Beer Stein

Simple Goblet

Filled Beer Bottle

Empty Beer Bottle

Veta Lake Lager

Keg of Rosbier

Pink Drink Umbrella

Orange Drink Umbrella

Blue Drink Umbrella

Purple Mini Drink Umbrella

Beer Keg

Veta Lake Lager

Bottle of Rosbier


Ale Flavored Beer

Roach Extract Bleer

Mug of Dunkel Beer

Beer Flavored Ale

Bottle of Rosbier

Beer Flavored Beer

Mug of Dark Green Beer

Lederhosen Overflowing Beer Stein


Tankard Of Grog

Commemorative Freyalise Stein

Homemade Dark Rum

Shot of Vodka

Velvet Whiskey with a Red Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a Pink Bag

Velvet Whiskey with an Orange Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a Yellow Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a Lime Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a Blue Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a Purple Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a White Bag

Velvet Whiskey with a Gray Bag

Fancy Alcohol


Distilled Rum


Dry Gin


Port Port

Pirate Rum

Whiskey Decanter Set

Cask of Rum

Tankard of Rum

Gilded Drinking Flask

Belted Glass Drinking Flask

Siren Stein

Dainty Drinking Flask

Commemorative Freyalise Stein

Scrimshawed Flask

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand


Cocktail Shaker


Dirty Martini




Cardamom Mulled Wine


Shot of Vodka

Citrus Fancy Juice

Orange Fancy Juice

Strawberry Fancy Juice

Cherry Fancy Juice

Grape Fancy Juice

Pumpkin Grape Juice

Shot of Whiskey

Shot of Brandywine


Red Wine

Cinnamon Mulled Wine

Orangey Mulled Wine

Glass of Bock Beer

Glass of Smoked Beer

Sample Size Pale Lager

Sample Size Stout

Sample Size Ale

Sample Size Oatmeal Stout

Sample Size Wheat Beer

Sample Size Dark Lager

Sample Size Ale

2008 Celebration Sparkling Grape Juice Glass

Lagan and Derelict

Glass of Green Beer

Glass of Wheat Beer

Pilsener Glass

Fuzzy Navel


Rusty Nail

Harvey Wallbanger


Autumn Harvest Red Ale

Autumn Harvest Orange Ale

Autumn Harvest Green Ale

Autumn Harvest Yellow Ale

Autumn Harvest Brown Ale

Autumn Harvest Owl Ale


Pink Squirrel

Metallic Raspberry Champagne

The Smoker

Fun On The Beach

Strawberry Daiquiri

Candied Rose Petal

Rhubarb and Tequila Cocktail

Caberet Cocktail

Shrimp Cocktail Appetizer

Kir Royale

Bloody Marian

Champagne Dream


Bahama Mama


Subeta Sunrise

Slippery Nipple


Metallic Mango Champagne


Mint Julep

Mimosa Punch

Cucumber Water

Cucumber Sliver Garnish


Fizzy Mint Drink

Fizzy Cucumber Drink

Fizzy Blueberry Drink

Metallic Green Apple Champagne

Melon Sour

Fizzy Lemon Drink


Gin and Tonic

Fizzy Strawberry Drink


Lime Water



The Haze

The Haze

Pina Colada

Metallic Blueberry Champagne

Blue Tropical

Flaming B-52

Metallic Grape Champagne

Sugar Plum Cocktail

Mai Tai

Long Island Iced Tea

Bloody Mary

Ginger Beer

White Bear

Black Bear

Slippery Nipple

No Hander


Lemon Drop

Whiskey Sour

Gin Fizz

Salmon Shooter

2012 Champagne

Truffle Truffle

Mini Dessert Croissant


Breaded Prawn Canape

Purest Pumpkin Juice

Trashy Bottle

Root Beer Soda

Sweet Jalapeno Soda

Key Lime Soda

Vanilla Cream Soda

Black Cherry Stir Stick

Pumpkin Tea

Magic Wand

Strawberry Trifle

Banana Trifle

Coffee Caramel Trifle

Kiwi Trifle

Orange Trifle

Ginger Trifle

Magic Wand

White Chocolate Alegarten Brownie

Lemon Alegarten Brownie

Orange Alegarten Brownie

Cookie Alegarten Brownie

Cream Cheese Pumpkin Bar

Chocolate Alegarten Brownie

Mint Chocolate Alegarten Brownie

Dark Chocolate Alegarten Brownie

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Magic Wand

Pet Friends