Sweetheart Lain
Chii
You are everything to me, and more. I love you. Happy Anniversary.
I thought I would throw together a little compilation of everything we've been through till now.
So here it is:
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Today is my first day of college. I am so excited to start my new journey as an IT student.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
We have an interactive session today and I am on the way to the seminar hall. Outside, I see a group of boys drinking from the water cooler. Some of them are wearing lab coats. They must be seniors. There's a boy in the group. He's wearing glasses. He's cute.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
I returned to the same corridor today but I don't see the boy.
September, 2010
I did not see the boy after that. We have our unit tests now and I am asked to sit in the CSE classroom. I look at my seat number pasted outside the door and enter the classroom. People are shuffling in and out of the class. My seat is in the second column, last row. I wait for the two students there to clear out their desk and leave the place for me. The two boys have their backs turned to me. The first one leaves. The second boy turns around. It's him. Our eyes meet for a second and he moves past me. He isn't a senior. He's in my year. In the classroom next to mine.
I waste no time in asking one of my friends from his class to find out his name. A few days later she tells me.
"Shan?" I ask. We make fun of his name for a while. We nicknamed him "Jerry".
Later that day, I look him up on Facebook and send him a friend request.
I check every day but he has not accepted my request yet.
He accepts my friend request after two weeks and asks me to visit his class so he can see me.
October 31st, 2010
I go to his class in search of him. When I enter, he remains seated and all his friends tease him. I feel embarrassed and leave, upset that he did not stand up and talk to me.
When I reach home, I have a message:
"Hi.. I'm sorry, I called you to my class just to see you. I'm so sorry." Followed by five hundred and forty sorries. I tell him it's alright.
After that, we chat once in a while online.
One fine day in October, I tell him that I have a crush on him. I tell him that he can stay friends if he likes. He replies:"I'm 1993 you're 1991. Let's be friends."
Surprisingly, I am fine with this since by then I had become friends with him and enjoy talking to him. No hard feelings.
November 2010
I'm on my way to the supply store in college with two of my friends. My friend notices he's behind me with two of his friends. They pass us and reach the store. When we reach, they double back and he shoves a note in my hand. It reads:
br>"Message to this number"
Two weeks later, he calls me. We spoke for two minutes. He said he would call me using the coin phone, once in a while, as cellphones are not allowed in the hostel.
The months following included our semester exams and holidays.
February 1, 2011
He finally asks me out and we go out for the first time. I had no way of anticipating this especially because he had insisted we stay friends, yet had offered his phone number and had asked me out. He remains quiet and shy and I tell myself that we are just friends and this is not a date. We watch a movie together and share some popcorn. He buys lunch and we talk over Malaysian food. All in all, it was a light and casual day out. When I'm home and lying in bed, I tell myself that I can be friends with him after all.
July 7, 2011
The second time we're going out. It's different this time. We are closer and I am looking forward to it. Both our birthdays have passed and we gift each other. He gifts me a ring and I put it on my finger It fits perfectly. He opens my gift and sees a teddy with a ring. We have given each other rings. We go for a movie. My eyes move to his hand, casually resting on the arm rest between us. I cannot think about anything except holding his hand. Half the movie is over and we are at the intermission. He goes to buy us drinks. When he comes back, I realize there is just an hour left for the movie to end. It's now or never. I jump for it. I fell hard on his shoulder, my head hitting against it. Not romantic at all. I tapped the back of my hand with his palm and he held it.
Everything changed after that. Every time we spoke or went out, I got to know him more. He opened my eyes to a new world. Every day was better with him around. He was my best friend, and everything else. I loved his character, his attitude towards people, the way he moved easily with friends. I especially loved the way he was with his family, because I was not very close to mine. It made me want to change. It made me want to be close to my family too.
We talked about everything under the sun. One fine day in July 2011, he told me he loved me. It was the happiest day of my life. No joke, no friends texting for him. It was just him. And he loved me.
He was always afraid of the consequences of this. He did not want to drag me along and then have to leave me when his parents did not approve. I had not thought any of this out. I was just immature and in love.
Days went by, we were happier than ever.
Then, he was kicked out of his hostel, parents called to college, everything was a mess. Those were the dark days in our relationship when he was just upset with himself, and did not want to hurt his parents more than he had.That made him think of me. He could not hurt them or me, he chose to hurt himself instead. On September 19th 2011, He told me he wanted to be just friends, and that if I wanted to talk to him, we had to be friends, else we could not talk at all. It killed me. I told him I could never see him as a friend and that I would rather not talk than act like I could be friends with him.
First I blamed myself, I thought I had done something wrong, that I had hurt him in some way. I went through the last few months trying to figure out what I had done to mess up the relationship. He had never given me a reason for leaving. I started resenting him, thinking he had just played with my feelings. My friends assured me I could do better, that he did not deserve me. They tried their best to make me smile, I did, but it was never from my heart.
A month later, I texted him. I felt like I just wanted to talk to him, even if it meant that I had to act like I wanted to be his friend. I could not let go of him. My mind was screaming with doubt and anger but my heart melted to his replies. He told me he was not in the right state of mind and would text me in a few days.
And he did.
I told him I would try being his friend. We started talking again. I tried very hard not to cross any boundaries, not to talk to him the way I used to. It hurt me every day to talk to the boy I loved like he was just another person but I tried. Finally, one night, I was emotional and crying, I could not take it any longer and I blurted out that I missed him. He said he missed me too.
After that, he asked if I wanted to meet him. I kept thinking to myself that he was not in love with me. He just wanted to be friends and that I should not dive too deep else he would back off again. Still, I went out with him. We had a nice time together. And I realized that, even if we weren't going to have a happy ending, I still loved him and wanted to share my life with him (even though it came with a time limit). I told him to be completely free with me and not hold back, and when the time comes, we would decide how to approach the 'meet the parents' phase or completely avoid it.
All along, I just wanted to love him and wanted him to feel loved, so that he would realize that I could be good for him, in his life, permanently.
We got back into a relationship on November 21st 2011.
Here we are, four years later. If I asked him today, whether he would marry me, he would say yes, no matter who disapproved. So, my plan had worked all along. ;)
I love you, Shan. You are the one thing in my life I'm completely happy with and I'm sure of. I'm glad I didn't give up on us and today, I know you would not either. You're strong when I'm weak, you give me so much of strength and support me. You've changed so much from the day I met you, and the person you were back then, the boy who would never fall in love, well, you're the opposite of that now. You're an ocean of love. Your love is endless and its wrapped around me like a warm, warm blanket on a cold day. When you look at me, I forget the world, I forget the universe and you're the only one that matters. You are closest to my heart. I could not imagine a life without you four years ago, when we barely knew each other, and I still cannot imagine a life without you; today, tomorrow, or any day as long as I'm alive. We are made for each other. I tell you this all the time:
I don't know why, of all the people in the world I chose you but it was the best choice I ever made. Thank you for being my better half. Happy Anniversary, sweetheart. I love you.
