Information

Bourban
Legacy Name: Bourban

The Steamwork Irion
Owner: Bourbon

Age: 10 years, 4 months, 1 week

Born: November 5th, 2015

Adopted: 4 years, 2 months, 4 weeks ago

Adopted: December 19th, 2021

Pet Spotlight Winner
June 7th, 2018

Statistics

• Level: 1
   
• Strength: 10
   
• Defense: 10
   
• Speed: 10
   
• Health: 10
   
• HP: 10/10
   
• Intelligence: 0
   
• Books Read: 0
• Food Eaten: 0
• Job: Unemployed

chapter 1: tiger's eye

Vot is big deal with cold weather? These tourists, they are always coming through pass where I keep my bar, complaining their little feets are frozen and their noses will fall off fat foreign faces. Red nose is goot nose, no? Men with the red noses can hold their drink and do not fall under the table after only four pints. Bah! Such men are not men, they are lambs needing to be coddled and snuggled by the sheeps.

I am not native to this place they call Rivet City. In my travels as a younger man, I turned my back on Mother Russia because Grandmama filled my head with too many stories of boys with dirt on their noses who went on to find great treasures and marry beautiful princesses. The women here are plain as dirt and the treasures always go to the Pigs but the vodka is top notch. I see to that myself.

If you leave Uncle Bourban's bar without a smile on your face and rosy cheeks, then you are passed out from too much goot drink!

I am not one of these surly ones that stand behind the bar and are forever polishing the glasses. Lend me your ears for one hour and I vill tell you stories of outrunning the great white bear and chasing outlaws the length of Petrov's Pass. These are just the stories of my boyhood, to say nothing of my adventures as a man. You vould do well to send the little ones on to bed if you wish to hear those stories.

It is slow night and I am thinking about warm bed waiting for me when Alice comes in like little lynx she is. She is tiny woman with courage of lion and though her emerald eyes beckon, that too-red hair is a warning to fools that her tongue is as sharp as all those hidden blades she carries.

"A new sight, Bourban!" She shoots look at old man with gloved hands wrapped around his mug. He has blue scarf wrapped around his neck so tight that I vonder if it keeps his head in place. Alice lowers her voice. "The Pigs know nothing of this one and opposition is light, only a few of Voloshin's clowns. They will scatter like geese if we can drop the gander. Rumors are going around that the old Diamond Dust mine may not be as dry as one of Vastrakov's lectures to the schoolboys!"

The old man throws a few coins down and gets up to leave. "Might you point me to the inn, good fellow? It's much too cold a night to be wandering the streets at my age."

I do better by drawing him simple map. Alice is bouncing from one foot to other foot until he is gone. She grabs my hand and just gives me time enough to lock front door before she is dragging me down village street like small boy.

"Come on, Bourban. We need to get Joakim before he gets through too much of his Friday pay."

Silly Alice should no better than this. Joakim is passed out on sofa he got for helping a man clear trees from his land. Our friend is very goot with the blowing up of large objects but unlike me, he cannot hold his liquor. He is trying to sing song of shepherd boy in voice that sounds like dying frog. He does not like Alice shaking his shoulder and telling him to get up. He is telling her things that are not fit for the hearing of ladies so I pick him up and give him good dunking in the horse trough. That gets him on his feet.

He looks so funny with little pieces of ice hanging off those spiky brown hairs that we can't stop our laughing. It is common joke that when Joakim runs out of fuses, he can pull a few hairs from his head and he is good to go. His baby is the rocket launcher he carries in a guitar case to keep the pigs from sniffing around too much.

I need no camouflage for the delight of my heart. My rifle was passed down from my father who taught me to shoot a rabbit through the eye from a hundred yards. I call her Natasha, for the first woman I ever loved. Here is one that can never break my heart by running off with boy who delivers milk.

There is cabin that looks over valley where Diamond Dust Enterprises once brought in their so-large cranes and other fancy machines. They were bunch of American cowboys who vant to blast holes in Earth and pluck out diamonds without ever using pick or shovel. They didn't last a year and vat they took will make cheap costume jewelry.

Alice is at window with telescope when sun starts going down. Joakim sneaks bottle of good brown rum out of his case giving it a little swish to get my attention. We let Alice make her careful notes about climate and the number of our enemies below. We have a much more important task before us.

Joakim's chess pieces have most of the paint stripped away, we've played the game so often. For every piece our opponent scores, we take a drink.

Joakim is doing much too well and I am sure he is cheating but when I raise a finger to accuse him he starts giggling so hard that I must join in. I am roaring with laughter when he slithers under table like snake. I get up to take nice nap on couch in corner but someone has moved it. My nose landing on hardwood floor hurts very much.

Alice is very angry to find us drunk. She comes in talking so fast that we cannot understand her.

"Vot is matter Alishka my vittle flower...short vild Alishka flower grows in valley of lions."

I do not know vot I said in my mangled Russian as sleep cast her spell. I am only glad I know the language of Alice but she does not speak my native tongue.

She has her vengeance when morning comes, giving us both bright sunlight in the face when she throws the curtains wide and singing the Rivet Anthem as loud as she can screech. We are both eager to give up the location of the bottle, anything to get rid of that horrible noise.

Her plan is laid and we are ready to follow as the sun once again sets. I put my eye to the scope and nothing else exists. I am a force contained in that slender barrel, a tube of death just waiting for the feather touch of a finger to be discharged. My first target falls before his comrade can turn his head to look. There is no third man nearby to hear a cry but I am quick to drop the second sentry just in case one lurks behind the half-closed door.

They are waiting for us in the tunnel, half a dozen disciplined mercenaries relying too much on their superior numbers and not on their instincts. Alice is a banshee whose cry could shatter mountains. Joakim moves through narrow crevices like weasel, discharging a rocket right into a great cavern that hangs with many of those pointy rocks that come down from the ceiling. Three men are speared and the last two run for their lives. We all spit in unison. Our shared opinion of mercenaries.

We do not expect Voloshin himself to be there. He is ignoring little diamonds sticking from wall, staring at large chunks of rock that block long-abandoned tunnel. "What are you doing back there, apes? Did I not tell you to bring the dynamite?"

We give Joakim look as grin lights up his face. Crate on his back will not be hauled for nothing after all. Voloshin's eyes widen as he takes in our approach. He is not a man that likes being outnumbered. You can see sweat running down his face as Alice gives him look that could cut lines in steel.

"There's really no need to make a mess, my good friends. I will be more than happy to split the profits. I assure you they will be quite handsome, if my research proves correct."

I exchange looks with my comrades and they nod agreement. Voloshin does not know what hit him as butt of my rifle gives him a good knock on the head.

Joakim's placement of dynamite is good, giving us a hole wide enough for all three to walk side by side. The tunnel is narrow, forcing Joakim and I to duck though Alice can walk without even brushing ceiling with those fiery curls. We put out our flashlights as tunnel comes to an end. There is no need for them.

The diamond is gorgeous, bigger than a man's head and it sparkles with the rainbow lights of a thousand suns.

Working our find free of the stone is a challenge my muscles enjoy. Alice and Joakim keep the little rocks cleared away while I chip at those hunks of jealous stone that would forever keep our treasure hidden from greedy eyes.

I know my comrades are thinking of how to spend their shares when we come out into the light of a new day. I am thinking of taps in bar and how one of them leaks no matter how tight I tighten the bolts that keeps it in place. I am simple man with simple pleasures who intends to replace every shabby couch in his loft with crushed velvet sofas fitting for kings. Our smiles fall away at the column of troops awaiting our exit.

Vladim stands before them, wearing little old man's blue scarf and showing us his yellow teeth in predator's grin. The red star is upon his cap and he makes it a point to wear his badge of office that even a child could not fail to recognize.

"Ah, Comrade Bourban. I see you have recovered the Tiger's Eye for the glory of Russia. For as you know, all cities in the Zones of New Moscow must surrender treasures into the possession of the nearest official for the public good."

I am thinking Alice will be joining Joakim and I in the drinking tonight. There is nothing that will get her to a bottle quicker than bowing to stinking Pigs.

Our only credit is one measly line in Russian Star and we do not receive the copy until six months after it is printed.

chapter 2: radioactive

Man in front of me cannot hold his drinks. He cannot hold them at all. He is so full of the boasting and the tooting of his own horn that he does not notice the many pairs of eyes that look on his face. He is into his third stein and his too-thin chicken neck is bobbing vith every word.

"So I say to Marvin...I say what a fool he is, going away for half a year with a wife like that. She's nowhere near as be-yoo-tiful as my wife of course, but she's got a nice...*hic*...a nice figure and she's not dumb as a stump, you know? I spent a night with four like her once, before I met my wife you understand. The stories I could tell you..."

He is too drunk smiling at everybody. He does not seem to notice they do not smile back. Such boasting, it is not welcome in this frozen place they are calling Rivet City.

Perhaps I am bad man, but I do not like the boasting. It is sign of too much air in brain and not enough brains.

The drinking game was started all in funs but it is getting serious now. I raise fourth mug to my lips, letting the foamy bubbles tickle me so a little giggle escapes. It is not girly giggle but big, deep-chested man giggle. You can see other patrons approve such bear-like sounds. Or maybe they just find it funny when skinny neck slides under the table.

"Vot is matter vith world, eh? Short little mens like this, they comes in business shoots...shoes?"

Man in checkered shirt raises his mug and calls out: "Suits, Bourban, you old goat!"

"Bah! Vot dosh that make you, Menko? You are..."

*ahem* Words put together sound very bad ven the drink is doing the talking. I had just started telling Menko all about the animals he might find in his family tree branches when of all people, Vladim the Pig comes walking through the door of my bar.

Like most Pigs, he is walking vith much confidence, his too-pale eyes sweeping over us all like we are the pigs and he is the farmer, trying to decide who goes to the ax. He is sneering into the beer and running his black-gloved fingertip over my bar as if he thinks to find dust there. He seems disappointed which clearly annoys him. I must bite inside of lip to avoid chuckling like small child.

I like annoying the Pigs.

Vladim is leaning over the bar to meet my gaze. "Comrade Bourban, might we have a word in private?"

This man took the Tiger's Eye from my crew and has stolen many of our discoveries since in the "name of Mother Russia". I wants to tell him to go to the depths of Siberia and do naughty things with the icicles there, but I do not dare speak so boldly. This man has the power to take my bar from me, this cozy little den that gives me gold and beer. I will at least wait until we are in back room to make speech about Vladim and pointy ice sticks.

Vladim's calm is gone moment door closes behind us. The Voice of the Russian Republic is shaking when he speaks.

"We need your help, Comrade Bourban. You and your crew. There is a...creature on the loose."

I cross arms and wait. We are treasure hunters and killers of much skill, not animal control peoples. Vladim fidgets with his red star cap, twirling it between his gloved fingers. Such nervous motions are not like him. Not at all.

"This thing...we are not so sure it is animal. It moves like dog but has glowing stripes and eyes that I cannot describe. It steals in the night, seeking out jewels of rarity and beauty that are well guarded. Three of my men have suffered burns from getting too close." Vladim's hands clench into fists, crumpling the so-fine cap. "This creature lives in the Radonic Sector. None of us knows how it can survive there. We think it has absorbed radiation. It may have even been born in the muck. We do know that we are not the only nation targeted. The Americans and British have lost treasures of their own, though they will deny it. Three of the Jewel Eggs of the Czar were taken from the heart of the Imperial Museum. Our Benevolent Leader would give anything to recover these national treasures but he cannot spare even one small detachment with tensions so high."

I do not care for being hero to my country or shaking hands with important peoples. My interest wakes up when Vladim plunks big sack of gold down on my much-chipped table.

"Tell me more about this creature."

He is trying to keep his steel eyes but I am seeing how his shoulders relax. "It runs close to the ground and is only half the height of a man. There are cracks or stripes on its body, which almost looks like stone. These cracks...glow. There is a light that pulses over the thing, pale blue and too bright to look at for more than a few seconds. We think this thing is intelligent. It carries some sort of staff and it moves with a speed no man can match. We have determined that it is living in a small cave near the heart of Radonic Sector, in Sub-Sector 8968K."

"We are not lab mice, Vladim. We have no magics to keep us from melting like butter in frying pan. Radonic Sector is deadly after five minutes in these fancy bubble suits you give men trying to clean up the spills."

I am not liking Vladim's smile. "You do not expect us to let our soldiers be seen in gear far superior to anything the Americans can create? No, comrade. I assure you that your team will be perfectly safe...for one day. This should be all the time you need for such a small target. Be at the Stalin Square Clock at precisely the seventh morning hour for your briefing."

His usual smug look is in place when he exits my bar. The gold helps me to resist the urge to use him as target practice for empty beer bottle.

***

I am finding Alice near large and crackling fire. She is telling stories to many children with fuzzy mittens and warm hoods pulled up over little ears. She points finger at distant hill of dirt on mountainside as she tells of time we skied to get away from Rostakov brothers when they would rob us of rubies we stole from Rustik Mines. Is good story. Explosion of dirt mound makes it even better.

Alice shoos away group when she sees me. Joakim waits until all childrens are gone. Seeing caps of dynamite in his hands would ruin the magic for them.

"You had better have something better than a few pasty crystals this time, Bourban. I lost my best throwing knife going after that oversized crystal you thought was diamond."

I am grinning sheepish at reminder of my mistake. We got no treasure but we gave Osolov's crew good chase and we fled erupting volcano down slippery mountainside. It was great fun!

Joakim is thinking fondly of the explosion he used to get volcano rumbling. I slap him on shoulder, almost sending him into mud. "What have you been up to, eh? I hear Americans were in contact with you for some big project."

Joakim shrugs. "Hollywood men wanted me for their too-long films. I almost said yes, until they tried to get me to sign papers. When I saw controlled explosions in contract, I told them go back to making your explosions with your silly computers. When you decide you want some real fires, you come see me."

I am laughing so hard my gut will bust. Even Alice cracks a smile. Joakim is always man of explosive wit.

When I am finished telling everything I know from Vladim, my friends are looking on me with horror.

"You want us to go into Radonic Sector for that measly bag of coins? What are you brewing these days, Bourban? It doesn't have a few extra special ingredients by any chance?"

Joakim is not joining in to Alice's grumblings though he too is looking afraid. His want to make very big fires in glowing earth of Radonic is battling with that tiny little common sense voice, the one I killed years ago with best brew on planet. I am giving her smug look. "This is only half payment, Alice. I am not getting cheated this time. If Vladim wants eggs, he is putting all his golden geese in our baskets, yes?"

Alice grumbles but by way she wraps hand around knife at her belt, I know I win this round. This is Alice's classic signal when she is ready to go on trail.

***

Government men wave us into sterile white building where every inch of us is scrubbed and we are mdae to step into funny space suits that look like bad drawing by small boy. These thin white skins are to be keeping us safe from world's worst radiation? I am wanting to spit on ground, but Pigs in even more shiny suits would probably send me through shower room again. Years of good beard grease gone in minutes!

They are not coming with us when we step out wide sliding door into strip of tan rock that is stretching out until it comes to dead zone they call Radonic. We three walk side by side, cosmonauts seeking face of other world. We do not look back when giant doors start sliding shut behind us. None of us wants to cry in front of comrades.

We are allowed weapons that have been coated in special wax. She decided to accept knives from Pigs in White when she found out any weapon taken into Radonic Zone will be destroyed. Joakim is just happy to have belt of incendiary devices that go boom when he presses button and throws them through air. There is five second delay so we do not all go boom at same time.

Ground starts to make crackle noises as stones all turn black. Here and there are pools of bubbling green goo we all walk far around. Joakim is tapping gloved fingers on top of belt, staring at one pool with longing. He gives me rueful look.

"I know it would probably kill us all even in these suits, but can you imagine the fire one of these baubles would make if it set off that slime?"

Alice is glaring at him with those wild cat eyes. "I see your hand move toward that belt, I'll take one of those baubles and stick it..."

"Look! What was that?"

Alice gives Joakim dirty look for interrupting but it falls away when strange shape darts from one tall black hill to next tall black hill. We are all sure it is creature we seek.

Hide is like hardened lava that has settled and turned a dark earthy brown. Blue light pulses and shines through cracks in this strange beast's armor. Vladim was right. It is painful to look on that light for long.

Creature is fast. When it turns backk to see if we follow, we are frozen by orb eyes of same blue light. It is like looking into eye of black hole.

We give chase. Creature is always far ahead, but we are never so far behind that we lose sight. It darts into little tiny crack in rock wall and we are close behind.

I am not good for remembering twists and turns in stone. If you want to know path we took, ask Alice. She has maps where her brains should be. I only know we chased creature for many hours until suddenly we were not chasing anymore.

It perchs on ledge in treasure room, breathing hard and glaring at us with too-bright eyes. Arms lined with glowing crystals reach up for a spot on forehead. Call me one to read too many comics, but I thought sure this strange creature was about to blast us with some terrible laser ray.

Armor plates shrink and lose their terrible glow. In front of us stands girl half my age with ebony skin still protected by thin membrane that looked like no more than bubble. I want to reach out finger and try to pop giant bubble, like I would if one rose from the foam. I am thinking how those too-bright eyes were on us a minute before and I am keeping my hands at my sides.

She studies us for long minutes through narrow eyes. As much as we are wanting to take her out like any other enemy, we are also still afraid of what she can do.

"Your suits are impressive, but no more impressive than what the Americans came up with. Let me guess. A one-day life span? After our little chase, that leaves you about three hours to get clear of the caves and make it outside the radiation zone for decontamination. It'll take you two to reach the border.

Alice swears and throws a knife. It is hard to tell if girl is trying to taunt us or merely saying facts but Alice is ready to assume it is the first. That fiery lady cannot stand any insult, not even very clever ones. She once pinned up chess champion like he was human dart board after his subtle taunts when first date ended badly.

Girl catches knife in midair. She does not look surprised.

"More violence. Do you really think there is any move I can't anticipate? This suit I wear is a link to the world around me and to the stories of my people. Father gave his life to perfect it. I am the last of my people, beacuse of your kind of greed."

The eggs we are seeking are suddenly in her hand. We must close our eyes when bright lights fill her palm, but we can see the way she squeezes together her fingers. When light is gone, we are left looking at little pool of cooling gold with flecks of color where gemstones once sat.

"If is for such treasures that my people were enslaved, made to work in cramped pits under the lash and harsh words of the Overseers. I vowed to my family that I would dedicate my life to tracking down all such treasures that were shaped from human misery. Return to your government and tell them that if they wish to stop the heists, they will bring to me as tribute one national treasure from every nation of your world."

We are not messenger boys. I aim for rock above girl's head, splintering little chips that fall in a clatter. She is not hurt but she does not expect the stones falling on her head. Joakim comes up in a roll, throwing little beeping circle that explodes at feet of girl. Whatever her special suit is made from, it is good. She has not one scratch or she would be melting in little puddle. Not even special suit can fight off spikes of rock that are wrapped around her legs like bear trap.

She is stony-faced when we make her march in front of us. We find more puddles of melted goods but also many pretty pieces that will fetch a pretty price. We each have our eyes set on piece we will keep. Alice likes lapis lazulis the size of robin eggs. Joakim has choker with fat red ruby like little fire. My own golden belt has diamonds every few links. Yes, this will do nicely for second half of payment.

We are so sure we are going right way until we come to dead end. Alice fills air with her best curses. Joakim grins and throws little bomb. Much dust fills air but we can see branch of new tunnel.

We hurry toward light we are sure is outside puddles...only to come to new dead end.

Girl smiles smugly. "You'll never reach the exit in time. I'll have to hope the next nation to try their power against mine sends more impressive explorers."

Alice is very angry at this. She is not thinking we could find way to bargain with girl. She is thinking only of girl not talking more. She brings hilt of dagger down hard. Tunnel echoes with horrible cracking sound and stone rains down around us.

Little sensors in our suits are clanging awhen we wake. Joakim uses his bombs to blow holes in rock until we stumble into field where all is black and dead. Girl at my side is sullen. She did not manage to get away when rocks started to fall and it took the strength of Joakim and I to get her legs free of the stones. She is not hurt, but you can see she is shaking. Her father's wonder suit has never let her feel helpless.

Vladim and his Pigs in White listen eagerly to our story, taking the girl away. When we try to ask where, they just shake our hands and tell us we are heroes worthy of many medals and honors. I am feeling sort of bad for Radonic Girl. They will take her fancy suit and turn it into weapon, just like she didn't want.

This is not my business. I am treasure hunter, hired gun, and thrill seeker. I am not philosopher.

Vladim takes all our treasures, saying that these mush be decontaminated for the safety of all. Not even our selected treasures remain. After Pigs account for fees of letting us use special suits, I barely have enough to add a new flavor of ale to bar's menu.

I think Joakim is only one happy with what he gets from deal. He buys little hamster with golden splotches in her black fur. He names this creature Nitro.

---

Profile by feminist with coding help from Frenchi
Story by Pureflower
Background: Wallhaven

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