Custom Common Experiment #333
You might have been tempted by puppy dog eyes (below which is an endless supply of slobber) or a purring little motorboat (that will leave "presents" right in line for your bare feet when you go out for the paper) but you didn't let those imposters fool you. You're a smarter than average human. You knew that a hamster was the only way to go.
Now you'll be asking yourself the really important questions like "What are the best treats for Fluffy?" and "Does Muffin prefer cotton bedding or shredded newspaper?" Look no further, my nearly hairless friend.
First thing's first. You'll want to make sure I have a nice, spacious cage with room to explore that will keep noisy monsters at bay. (I'm looking at you, vacuum cleaner.) Give me the chance and I will play Space Explorer in your ductwork. (Leaving a few tokens to mark my trail along the way.) How would you like to spend your whole life in the same room? You humans take for granted how many fascinating new scents and smells one can discover in the family room, the bathroom and (particularly) the kitchen. Give me a maze of tunnels I can run in and a good wheel to work out my frustrations on and I will adore you all my days.
I'll tolerate the boring pet store food pellets but if you want to get the full whisker-twitching look of deepest gratitude, slip me a few fresh fruits and veggies every now and then. (Or every few minutes, if you've the notion to be generous.) I'm particular to broccoli, carrots and apples. (Some pesky vets will say hamsters should be given fruit sparingly to protect their health. Said vets often spend their lunch hour digging through a bag of nacho chips like there's gold at the bottom. Hypocrites.) Oranges and tomatoes are divine treats, if you take the time to remove the seeds and skins. A little meat or fish on the side is a delightful alternative nibble. If you really aren't sure if some morsel is a safe treat, ask one of my human friends at the pet store. A good water bottle that's kept well cleaned and always provides me with a cool drink is as necessary as the air I breathe.
Make my bed something shredded and natural. The more like my natural habitat, the more I'll like it. (I've overheard the pet store people brag up something called "cellulose fibers". I've no idea what it means, but they always kept the floor of my cage warm and dry, so no complaints here.) Aspen shavings are alright, but no other wood shavings, please. How would you like to wake up every five minutes to a splintery, poking thing?
Clean my cage once a week with mild soap and hot water. How would you like to sleep in a house that smelled like dirty socks all the time? If you do decide to use bleach, please run over the bleached surfaces with soap and water. My paws are delicate and won't react well to that nasty chemical. You'll want to scrap out the pee corners of my cage every now and then. Keep my cage away from any drafts and out of strong light. I know you love me too much to risk getting me sick but even the best humans are forgetful at times.
I may not relish trips to the vet but this white coated human is vital to keeping me healthy. If I do get sick, I know you will do everything to get me well again. It's especially important to clean all my toys and supplies at this time (or buy me new ones!)
Though I haven't much good to say about cats, I will say this. They know the proper ways to groom. A few good swipes of the tongue keep my fur looking gorgeous and keep the natural oils spread evenly over my coat so I am not too hot and not too cold but always just right. I'll tolerate your odd human obsession with stroking my fur every now and then but please leave the grooming to me. As much as I love you, I don't want to smell like you. (Sorry humans. You really do stink.)
Want me to sit willingly on your hand and snuggle up to your thumb? Treat me right! Seriously, treats are where it's at. I may even perform a trick or two if the incentive is right. Just never pick me up when your hands are cold. This is very bad for me.
As for children, the older ones are alright but please keep the noisy little squishers away. They've no respect for hamsters (or anything else, it seems to me.) It's best for toddlers to look and not touch. I'll tolerate your other pets as long as they leave me alone. (Though why anyone would want a pet that was anything but a hamster is baffling to me.)
Take good care of me and I promise on my love of sunflower seeds to be an amusing companion for many years to come.
There are plenty more food items/plants we can eat. Make sure you do research to make sure which ones are safe!
