Lost Emmanuel
Legacy Name: Lost Emmanuel

Did he cry after the photo was snapped? She couldn't remember. His mother had still been a child herself when he was born, scared and alone and running from more demons than she could count. She regrets to admit it, but most of his short life and the time surrounding it is a hazy blur, if not for the photograph she might not be sure he was ever real. She's not even sure what killed him, she'd like to believe it was not her fault, but she fears that it was; maybe she forgot to feed him, maybe he got sick and she never got him care. She'd like to think that she was there with him in his final moments, holding him tightly and singing as he passed on. She's certain she remembers the weight of the tiny bundle in her arms, remembers the way the tears stung her eyes as they dropped onto his face. But sometimes she wonders if those memories are a lie, if she was too cowardly to stay as her firstborn breathed his final breaths and left him alone. These fears are unfounded, but after three decades she still finds herself wondering.

She's older now, and stronger, and in many ways she owes her strength to him. She's committed terrible acts in memory of him, the years after him were filled with unforgivable deeds. But later, when the pain and anger ebbed away and she learned to trust again, she accomplished great feats as well. Not least of which are the three little boys standing beside her at the grave, ranging in age from 5 to 11 and each holding a single lily. The headstone can testify that he died not long after the picture was taken, underneath his name reads December 14, 1980- December 31, 1980. Every year they make this trip, no matter where they're living at the time. Every year the boys will stop their bickering, even if just for a few days, to pay their respects to an older brother they'll never know.

Julio Emmanuel Perez is only 5 years old, and he knows that he has a wild imagination. He runs through the playground fighting dinosaurs and rides a miniature pink unicorn through the galaxy protecting Earth. Julio also has a secret that he wants to share with his mother, but is afraid if she knew, she might cry. Because Julio knows that Emmanuel isn't gone. His oldest brother will visit sometimes at night, right before Julio falls asleep, and together they'll venture through strange and exotic lands, fighting pirates or rescuing princesses or sometimes just playing and laughing under a warm sun in a field of flowers. Julio knows that it's not the right Emmanuel, at least not the Emmanuel his mother lost all those years ago. This one is too young, not yet even twenty, and he doesn't have a body in this world to occupy. Still, there's no doubt in his young mind that it's still his oldest brother; he has their mother's smile and sings the same soft lullaby that she does when he can't fall asleep. He wants to ask his other brothers if they've met him too, if on nights that he's not with Julio he's with Mateo or David, but he's afraid that if he tells anyone the visits will stop and his brothers will be angry at him for lying. So instead he stays quiet, and every night waits to see if Emmanuel will come to play.

Somewhere far away, in a place that cannot be reached by any means mortal man has yet to devise, Emmanuel Louis Ramon Perez has grown from his mother's beautiful baby boy to his mother's handsome young man. His laugh is easy and his eyes are always smiling. His grades are decent, if not superb, and he never lacks for company when he so desires. He doesn't dream of being rock star, nor does he dream of becoming an actor. Instead he hopes to perform in the Cirque. He's been practicing for years and now, finally, he's old enough to audition. But his dreams are not filled with acrobatics, nor flying on the trapeze. He dreams of a place that he will never know, of a little boy named Julio who calls him his brother, and sometimes of boys named Mateo and David who do the same. He knows they're dreams because in real life there are no dragons to slay, no evil sorcerer to be defeated by his hand. But there are things these dream-boys tell him that he can't shake away, events that might not scare him, but dim the laughter in his eyes.

Every morning when he wakes up, Emmanuel Louis Ramon Perez is sure to kiss his mother on the cheek, and remind her how much he loves her.