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fn is bipolar, among other afflictions; in her teenage years and into her early twenties, she was a party girl, what most would call a spitfire. in reality, she was suffering heavily from unmedicated episodes of mania. more often than not, she was doing reckless shit - impulsive choices that harbored dangerous consequences. not that she cared. she was invincible.
she refused to regret her impulsive decisions, and seek help, even though her friends began to notice that her shifts in mood were not exactly status quo. no matter how badly she hurt others, she didn't seem to mind. she came across as pushy, manipulative, irritable, unstable, and stubborn. she lost more friends than she could count once they noticed she was more than just drinks, fast cars, and impulsive sex.
after a particularly rough episode, which led her to put her friend in an unsafe situation which ultimately lead to grievous injury and death, she had a breakdown. for the first time, she realized there truly were consequences. she surrendered herself into an inpatient care facility, but found herself struggling to let go of the life she felt she would be leaving behind. she was given lithium to treat her unruly mania.
due to her uncertainty of a new place, a new life, and the lack of the 'euphoria' she had come to know, she became aggressive and dominant toward the other patients; earning her the title which she wears proudly. she managed to escape more than once, but always ends up back - by choice or by force.
it seemed even the doctors wanted to give up on her after the first few admissions - she refused to talk to them, often openly mocking their attempts to help her. she refused to make progress, at least any true progress. she would feign it, sometimes, so she could be left alone. but she always found herself attempting to stir up things in the ward and cause trouble.
this has lead her to early release several times; most of the doctors claiming she was a 'lost cause'. many refuse to even treat her when she returns, telling them to just keep her as long as they must, and discharge her as soon as possible. oh, and a gratuitous increase in medications and dosages, to sedate her. un actually avoids trying to properly deal with her issues, which has left her dosing inaccurate and her coping skills bare.
in actuality, she now feels empty and listless - as if life outside the four walls where she has earned respect, power, and attention, is meaningless. she feels the medications have 'taken away the only chance she had at happiness' and that everything is numb. nothing matters. she's a bit of a nihilist. she felt it was worth the lows for the highs - and now things were balanced, and she hated it.
she is often tired, though she can still bark out orders or offer a snide remark if she feels so inclined. truthfully, she is scared of recovery. she'd rather be numb than live with the regret of what she did. at her most recent stay, she met two young girls, residing in the room across the hall. it's the start of a beautiful friendship... and maybe recovery?
Common Chai
