They cry out for it, say they need it so badly. They wish that someone would just come in and clean up the dirty city streets like an angel from heaven. They want somebody to give back all the stolen purses, to catch the petty thieves and robbers, to return all the pilfered money and let mothers and daughters sleep peacefully at night. They don't want to feel threatened by the fact that, in real life, evil people exist and might want to hurt them.

That's where I come in.

Me, your friendly neighborhood high-school student photographer Peter Parker Spider-Man.

I'm a glorified street-sweeper; most superheroes are. I put on the suit, catch the bad guys, and swing away into mysteriousness. Here's where all the onlookers are supposed to say, "Ooh, ahh, thank you for saving our city, Spider-Man!" But they're all gigantic hypocrites; instead of oohs and ahhs, I get bullets and stun-guns and curse words. As if I didn't have it bad enough with those things coming from the bad guys! Ungrateful New York bastards; I guess that's just because I'm not the Captain America they wish was saving their city.

Hey, for every Lawful Good hero, there's gotta be a Chaotic Neutral one, too.

But like I said, those hypocrites on the city streets want Superman to come roll all the evil up into a little ball and punt it off into the nearest Einstein-Rosen Bridge; but heroes like that, they don't exist. Nobody can devote twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week to an unpaid, thankless job like fighting supervillains and their ilk. It's just not feasible. Superman is a comic-book character, a schmuck who goes around like a superpowered dog with a Kryptonite allergy and underwear strapped over his perpetually-wagging tail. Real heroes have masks and secret identities and some kind of pathetic day job; they make the daily commute home from school or work in heavy traffic, just like you. They get mad just like you; they laugh and cry and love and hate, just like you. But you don't need a mask to be a hero -- look at firemen, police officers, soldiers. They don't need a spandex outfit or super-strength or x-ray vision to do good. Real heroes are people like you and me, minus the genetically-modified spider-bite turning into freakish arachnid powers. If more people just did good every day, my job and the job of equally-busy, stressed people like The Avengers would be a hell of a lot easier. If more of you stopped to help an old lady across the street, or caught somebody in the middle of shoplifting, or returned somebody's dropped or stolen wallet, or called somebody out on their Ponzi scheme, then I wouldn't have to spend all night out doing it myself and skipping my English homework.

Cleaning up the city isn't hard. It's just a team effort. And yeah, there are a lot of heroes here doing their bit; but it's time-consuming, messy, and strenuous, protecting a city of eight point two million people. And if you don't stop and say thanks every now and then, your heroes are going to fizzle out and die like a Fourth of July sparkler. Even the great Captain America can't faithfully protect an ungrateful city, and you know Iron Man won't do it.

So the next time you see me swinging through, stop and give me some props. It's a thankless job, but somebody's got to do it.

Lionheart -- Hey, pops, let's clean up this dirty city together!
Addicted -- Get your head out of that bottle, dad! We've got some ungrateful bastards to save!
Thunderbolt -- Hey, big guy! Smite any nasty aliens recently?
Irradiate -- Hey...bigger guy. How's the smashing going?
Sabotage -- Spider-friends, unite!
Unmade -- Yeah, you got him, buddy. You didn't miss.
Telepath -- Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not one of your X-Men -- I'm Spider-Man, and I'd rather work alone.
Tribunal -- The granddaddy of all supervillains...I'll make you regret coming to New York!
Turncoat -- Get outta dodge before I make you regret ever coming here!

Superhero: Simon Curtis -- We can change the whole world // gonna take it over, gonna start it over // don't you know that we could be // a new beginning, fighting 'till we're winning // tell me that you're in it // Don't you wanna be a superhero, a superhero, superhero?
Til Kingdom Come: Coldplay -- For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come // until my days, my days are done
Holding Out For a Hero: Frou Frou -- I need a hero // I'm holding out for a hero until the end of the night // he's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight

Fanpet for Peter Parker/Spider-Man from the film The Amazing Spider-Man; I don't own the character, only the changes made to suit Subeta.
Layout and coding by Charles.
Overlay by Rachel.
Human art by squidbiscuit.