Information


Valentine Brothers has a minion!

WHY IS IT ALWAYS SMILING the Sun-Sun




Valentine Brothers
Legacy Name: Diddles


The Bloodred Blob
Owner: Balloon

Age: 12 years, 1 month, 1 week

Born: February 15th, 2012

Adopted: 1 year, 6 months ago

Adopted: September 27th, 2022

This pet has been nominated for the Pet Spotlight!

Statistics


  • Level: 101
     
  • Strength: 248
     
  • Defense: 65
     
  • Speed: 12
     
  • Health: 53
     
  • HP: 53/53
     
  • Intelligence: 416
     
  • Books Read: 412
  • Food Eaten: 0
  • Job: Mastermind Incorporated


Credits

• Fan pet for Luke and Jan Valentine from Hellsing
• Profile, story, and image edits/coloring by Balloon
• Story images from the Hellsing manga by Kouta Hirano
• Background and eye emblem images from the Hellsing OVA/"Hellsing Ultimate"
• Dossier images from the Hellsing TV anime
• Dossier template adapted from here


our Luminaire tree

HELLSING ORG. INTERNAL DOSSIER:
THE VALENTINE BROTHERS

Name: Luke Valentine
Species: vampire (artificial)
Status: living deceased familiar of Hellsing agent "Alucard" deceased unknown
Residence: London, England unknown
Sex: male
Age: unknown
Birthdate: unknown
Birthplace: unknown
Height: 6' 6" (200 cm)
Weight: approximately 200 lbs (91 kg)
Build: broad
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: blond
Complexion: white
Identifying Features: extremely long hair, glasses
Abilities: limited regeneration, super speed
Affiliation: Millennium Organization unknown
Current Employment: Criminal Mastermind
Known Relatives: Jan Valentine, younger brother
Notes: always works with brother Jan; usually found together. High IQ but rather an idiot nevertheless. Won't stay dead - tendency to manifest when least expected.


Name: Jan Valentine
Species: vampire (artificial)
Status: living deceased unknown
Residence: London, England unknown
Sex: male
Age: unknown
Birthdate: unknown
Birthplace: unknown
Height: 6' 2" (190 cm)
Weight: approximately 150 lbs (68 kg)
Build: slim
Eye color: gold
Hair color: dark brown
Complexion: brown
Identifying Features: multiple facial piercings
Abilities: limited regeneration, extreme agility, possibly pyrokinesis
Affiliation: Millennium Organization unknown
Current Employment: Criminal Mastermind
Known Relatives: Luke Valentine, older brother
Notes: always works with brother Luke; usually found together. Vulgar and intensely stupid. Highly flammable.
Warning: Recent purported sightings indicate the Valentine Brothers may still exist in some form and be operating from an unknown location. Considered armed and dangerous; if seen, do not approach. If forced to engage, distract them by starting an argument between them. Past behavior indicates they will end up fighting each other instead of you.

Hello hello, I'm Jan Valentine! Baddest, toughest, most awesome vampire ever!

And I'm Luke Valentine.

No relation. ...Haha actually we're brothers! Wouldn't know it to look at us, would you? But yeah, I'm the little brother, and Luke here's my big bro!

Idiot. If you're the younger brother, then obviously, I'm the older one.

You're also a know-it-all, sarcastic jerk!

Hmph. Anyway. I'm sure you're wondering where you are.

Which is just fine, 'cause we don't know either! We both used to be human just like you, see, but then we got these chips put in us that made us vampires, and we were s'posed to live for-freakin'-ever, but we both died anyway, and then BOOM, here we were! ...So I guess this is Heaven or something. 'Cept everything's all weird and there's no angels or anybody else here but us - well, and you now - and--

Jan... shut up. You're not making any sense.

Okay, fine, you explain it then!

To start over - coherently, this time - we really were humans to begin with, like Jan said. We grew up in poverty, living on the streets most of the time... just the two of us, since we didn't have any family. I did my best to take care of Jan and raise him, but I still didn't do a very good job. I mean, just look at him.

Hey! That's not true!

...All right, I'm sorry. You're not completely terrible.

No, I ain't talking about that. I meant, it's not true that you didn't do a good job taking care of me! You were still a kid too, bro, so yeah, you did the best you could. And your best was good! You always made sure I had something to eat, one way or another, even if it meant you didn't get enough. And you've always watched out for me and protected me - you still do. You are a know-it-all, sarcastic jerk, but you're still the best big bro ever, too.

...Jan...

Well, Mr. "I'm Gonna Explain It All Coherently"? Ain't you gonna finish?

...Right. Anyhow, we were human until we got recruited to join an organization called Millennium. They promised that in exchange for our loyalty, they would turn us into vampires - not through another vampire's bite, but by cybernetic chips they would implant in us. I don't understand the science behind it--

Whoooooa, Luke just admitted there's something he don't understand! That's a first!

--but basically, we would become what's called "artificial vampires," invulnerable creatures with superhuman abilities. Besides both of us being able to regenerate from injuries like bullet wounds, I gained the ability of super speed, and Jan gained extreme agility. Millennium also offered to provide us with food, shelter, and very large paychecks... so we agreed. I knew that no one could really live forever, but I believed we'd live a very long time, with all the things I couldn't give Jan when we were growing up. And I believed we'd always be together.

But it was all lies. We were both killed on a mission not too long after we were turned... and we died apart. Alone. Jan was incinerated by Millennium for failing our mission, and I got eaten by a monstrous dog that was another vampire's familiar. My last conscious thought was that I'd never see my little brother again.

Bro...

...Uh, but yeah! Luke got eaten by a doggy, and I got burned to a crisp!

But then... we both woke up here, perfectly fine! Just... y'know, dead. Like I said, we don't really know where "here" is, but it don't matter 'cause we're together again. And this time we really will be together forever. Right, bro?

Right. I wouldn't call this Heaven, precisely, because things aren't perfect. We can still hurt each other when we get in fights - and we get in fights a lot - and it's kind of creepy around here. Everything has a face. The stupid clouds and sun smile at me all the time.

For real, it's like a freakin' Super Mario game or something, where everything's got eyes! The sun, the clouds, the hills... But only the things, 'cause like I said, there ain't no people around except for us. Occasionally, someone like you will wander by, but no one else ever comes to stay.

I don't know if this is limbo or purgatory or what, just that it's some kind of afterlife. It's not Heaven... but I know it's not Hell, either. If it were Hell, I'd be here alone. Without my brother.

...Yeah. Same.

We can leave this place for short periods of time. I enjoy traveling since I didn't get to do much of it when I was alive.

I mostly just stay here and wait for Luke to come home. The real world sucks so hard, why would I wanna go back there? I got everything I could ever need or want, right here.

We can't stay away for long, anyway. We always end up returning here somehow, no matter where we go... but I suppose that's just as well. There's no one here trying to eat us or set us on fire or otherwise kill us, and like Jan said, we have everything we need.

You, though... you're probably more than ready for me to show you the way out of here. I'm sure you don't want to spend the rest of eternity listening to Jan's blathering like I have to.

Whatever, bro. But yeah, nice to meet you and all that. You ever get bored and wanna hang, you know where to find us! Not like we got anything better to do except fight each other. Or yell at the sun. It really does smile all the freakin' time.

Have a safe return journey to the real world. As Jan said, should you ever find your way back to this place, we'll be here. Likely fighting about something... but spending eternity together, even if we're bickering most of the time, is better than spending it apart.


DossierStoryCredits

Pet Treasure


Plaid Lowercase Letter B Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter R Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter O Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter S Ornament

Pendant of the Eternal Vampire Brothers

A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed

Bloody Valentine Star Satchel

Valentine Trading Card

Childs Valentine

Negative Seer Dress

Secretive Golden Compact Mirror

Romero Post Mortem Evil Eye Medallion

Hexxed Golden Crystal Vision

Oddly Dark Red Vision Tarot Card

Gold Eye See You Ring

Snake Eyes

Crazy Stare

Impishly Delicious Candy

Golden Vision Rings

Fresh Scrounged Up Lenses

Double the Trouble Sticker

Dark Light Potion

Monochrome Cloth Wrapped Strawberry

Monochrome Teddy Cuddling Bunny Ruffles

Corruptedly Naive Rose Ring

Black and White Not-So-Straight Pins

Black and White Taped Together Measuring Tape

New Years White Sequined Fabric Bolt

New Years Black Sequined Fabric Bolt

Black and White Heart Button Vest

Grayscale Button Scarf

Black Swirly Lipstick

Harlequin High Waisted Skirt

Mime Shoes

Double Eyes Ink Blotch

Vampire Matter

Bag of Blood

My Life as a Blood Drinker

Nightmarish Fangs

White Tiger Grrr Candy Heart

White Cheek Heart Temporary Tattoo

Black Cheek Heart Temporary Tattoo

Arid Stone Heart Ornament

Twilight Stone Heart Ornament

I Heart White Sticker

I Heart Black Sticker

White Heart Hairclip

Black Heart Hairclip

Endless Banter

Emo Bubble Shut Up

I Hate You T-shirt

I Love You Candy Heart

Family Sticker

Sibling Sticker

Stained and Torn Family Album

Sibling Diary

Darker Matter

Tainted Matter

Irregularly-Sized Snowballs

Unseemly Snowman Juice

Two Headed Snowman Blub

Two-Faced Jack-o-Lantern

Splittifish

You Bite! Star Sticker

Evil Eye Sticker

Murders 101

Stone Coal Killer Sticker

Misplaced Mission Details

Random Event Card of Doom

Garbage Fire Beanbag

Deceptive Manor Certificate

Touribird

Bad Luck Club Sticker

Unfortunate Cookie

Zero Days Without Incident Sticker

The Horribly Bad Day!

The Mistakes We Make

Oops!

We Almost Made It

Oops: A True Story

Boxed Set of Lessons Learned

Many Regret Sticker

Wow Such Try Gold Star Sticker

Honorable Mention Sticker

Poorly Thought Out Apology Note

Dont Dead Sticker

R.I.P. Heart Cookie

Ray of Hope

From Death to Life

Reborn Turnip

Heart Repair Sticker

Old Heart Mug

Distorted Msg Mask

Jar of Fallen Monochrome Stars

Twisted Frame of Ever-Changing Views

Still Kickin Sticker

Unstoppable Sticker

So You Survived Armageddon

Get Out Of The Apocalypse Free Card

Empty Hourglass

The Forever Picnic

Hello Sunshine Sticker

Take Your Time Sticker

Memories Sticker

Working Hard Sticker

Bloodred Blob Plushie

Plaid Lowercase Letter L Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter U Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter K Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter E Ornament

Jade Vibrant Marble

Green Cosmic Jewel Contacts

Silver Control Chip

Underling Fangs

White Trenchcoat

White Suit Jacket

White Slacks

White Formal Gloves

Luscious Long Blonde Locks

Blonde Tangled Hairbrush

White Hair Ribbon

Delish Chance Glasses

Stare Glasses

Flashback Wild One Cigarette

Twilight Hunting Knife

Steamwork Wrist Pistol

Silver Bullet Shells

Silver Ziaran Flip Phone

Cheese Nyoom Sticker

Speed Leech

Right Fair Prosthetic Leg

Left Fair Prosthetic Leg

Counts Malicious Stare

Hellhound

Jitterbug Fancy Dog Food

Loose Wires

Forgotten Jinxed Marionette

Wire Management

Bloodstain Removal

How to Add and Remove Blood Stains

Thats Death Approaching Sticker

No Tears Please Sticker

ArrogANT

Book of Atelophobia

Book of Thanatophobia

Smooth Sandalwood Shower Steamer

Poinsettia Proper Coat

Poinsettia Proper Slacks

Plaid Lowercase Letter J Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter A Ornament

Plaid Lowercase Letter N Ornament

Gold Vibrant Marble

Gold Cosmic Jewel Contacts

Black Control Chip

Underling Fangs

Navy Track Jacket

Navy Blue Inner Striped Slacks

White Formal Gloves

ThistleThief Will-U Knitted Beanie

Black Hat Hair

Gold Pirate Noseloop

Twist Lip Piercing

Tongue Piercing Jewelry

Double Ear Piercing Jewelry

RoQ Candy 2Scare Studs

Small Metal Spheres

MayQ Venom Tongue Piercing Barbells

Flashback Wild One Rings

Survivors Last Cigar

Police Rifle

Gunmetal Bullet Shells

Black Ziaran Flip Phone

Right Dark Prosthetic Arm

So Your Arm Just Fell Off

So You Want A New Arm?

Brilliant Flame Fist

Blue Synthetic Fire Hand

Hand of Flame

Hand of Glory Wax Candle

Feel the Burn Sticker

Fatal Fire Scroll

Burning Debris

Burnt Flesh

Pile of Ashes

Treating Burns

Jannu

Dapper Steamworks Dancer Plushie

Ugly-Cute Sticker

Collection of Obscene Gesture Photos

Emo Bubble Censor

Curse This Lag Sticker

Bow-E Panacea Swear Jar

Cola Starpop

Pet Friends