Nuclear Jollin
My earliest memory is one of making paper flowers with Mama. She had delicate little doll hands that could fold the paper in magical ways. She'd call me Liliya, dearest little flower, and kiss the top of my head. It didn't matter how many times I insisted my name was Lili.
She folded so carefully, never putting a crease in the wrong place. Her blooms were beautiful and perfect, not the sick, wilting monstrosities that were all my hands could form. I was on the verge of crying but something much worse happened. Kansen broke free for the first time.
I was only four years old. I couldn't understand why my body was tingling. I picked up a strand of dark hair that had turned teal blue. I wanted to cry at the pixelated squares of light leaping from my skin but the sound that escaped my throat was a scratchy growl, a scary version of the little cat inside the toy computer that promised to teach me all my letters and numbers.
"You treat me like a toy, Mother. Did you really think I would be content going through life as your little dress-up doll? You think that will bring her back? She's dead, Antonia. Learn to live with it."
Mama was crying and I wanted to cry too but I couldn't. There was another person inside me, controlling my voice and using my hands. She plucked at the pretty pink dress I was wearing and pointed to Mama's. As usual, we were dressed alike.
"Kansen does not approve of such sentimental foolishness. You will treat Kansen with respect!"
I had never raised my voice to Mama. The shock was too much and at last I was free to cry. She took me into her arms and held me as my skin returned to normal. I was so relieved to see my dark hair again that I cried all the harder.
For three years, we shared our love of finger puppets and running through the rain together. Mama insisted on schooling me at home. There were too many bad teachers, she said. She wanted to make sure I was learning all the right things.
I never realized the real reason she wanted to keep me close. She was afraid of me.
She worked the night shift at a restaurant down the street but we managed to hold onto the little house my parents bought when Mama still believed she could change Daddy into a family man.
Everything changed when Mama lost her job. Our new apartment was cramped and dirty and we couldn't expect the lights to stay on. Some nights we ate cold soup right out of the can because it was all we had to eat.
I could've forgiven Mama for everything if she hadn't taken away my PortaGame.
It's not as if it was a very good game. The screen was tiny and half the time the sound didn't work but it held twenty different games and it was all I had to keep me from getting bored when Mama was out looking for work. She snuck into my bedroom when I was asleep and sold the game to a pawn shop for five dollars.
We had both come to dismiss Kansen. That was a very bad idea. For the second time in my life, another girl took control of my body.
"Fool. Did you really think you could bury Kansen so easily? Kansen sees everything when her vessel is asleep. She watches you go down to the gas station and waste what little cash you have on that loser who whispers false promises. This body may house an ignorant child, but Kansen sees all."
Mama made all sorts of promises, even telling me that she would buy me the shiny blue PortaGame I'd always wanted. Kansen was skeptical but Lili was not. My Mama had never told me a lie before.
I thought we were on our way to the toy store. I was stunned when she let go of my hand, jumping into a rusty car. The man behind the wheel made a sign at me with his hands and took Mama out of my life forever.
Kansen returned, for once addressing me directly. My emotions were in such turmoil that I had no choice but to listen.
"Mother has abandoned this vessel. She never wanted us. She tried to trap Papa but he had a wandering spirit. Now it is our time to wander."
I don't like to talk about my time on the streets. Not even the police wanted to approach a girl who could shoot sparks out of her hands at will.
It was sheer exhaustion that brought me down. Living on what you can snatch doesn't give you good food for a growing body. I don't know how long I lay in a hospital bed but when I woke up, Gail was there.
She was a psychologist with beautiful golden curls. She looked nothing like me, but that didn't stop her from taking me in as her daughter. She wasn't able to have any children of her own.
It was when I went to live in her fancy pink house that I met Wes. He never laughed at Kansen's pixel scars, nor at the way her blue eyes flashed with annoyance at the littlest things. He knew all about mothers who leave their children in the night and it was on the day he told me his own story that Lili finally buried Kansen deep down inside.
It is my sincere hope that this is where she will stay for the rest of my life, though she breaks through from time to time. As I have worked to strengthen my body and mind, she also grows stronger. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night from vivid dreams, terrible sights that Kansen wants me to see.
Perhaps Mama was right to be afraid of me.
It almost never stops raining in this city but I don't mind. I love the rain. Few people take the time to consider the drops that fall from the sky. There are the thick, heavy ones that make a ploshing sound when they hit. Then there's the thin rain that almost looks like a curtain hovering in the air. My absolute favorite is slow rain that trickles down the window glass, making little trails as it aims for the bottom sill.
My job is nothing much to talk about. The pencils that go through my sharpener see more excitement in a day than I do. The best part of my day is when I can flop down on the couch and enter the gamer's universe.
Is there anything better than roaming another planet and blasting alien creatures into virtual green goo? No way!
First thing's first though. I would never forget my babies. Kuro and Flick were tiny kittens when I rescued them from the shelter. They were cute with a capital C-U-T-E and they've only improved with age. Kuro is a dark gray tabby with the most gorgeous green eyes and Flick has velvet-soft silver fur with cream stripes. The only thing that can make a night of gaming better is a warm pair of kitties purring in your lap.
I only buy the best canned food for my little cuddlers. They tuck in the minute the food hits the bowl, purring a welcome. I don't have to worry about them slipping out the bedroom window that's always open partway. My babies hate the water. On rare sunny days they might perch on the ledge but one little gray cloud will send them scurrying back in. I take the time to scrub out the bowls before making for the living room.
My games are lined up in no particular order on the wooden shelves of my entertainment center. It's a cheap piece of furniture that will collapse under the weight of my games one of these days. Oh well. At least I was able to get it in a pretty color, and it was on sale. On sale is always good.
Tonight feels like a Cold Fusion Blaster kind of night. The rumble of the platform ascending onto the surface of Axelon VII almost makes you feel like you really are on another world. Some of the mini-bosses are sort of lame, but I guess you can't have everything.
The first rumble of thunder should've caught my attention. You know how it is when the next checkpoint is just a few feet away but you have a shot at a coin bundle that will allow you to buy the next upgrade. The brownout follows, reducing the lights in my apartment to tiny globes of yellow and blacking out the TV screen.
"No! Are you serious? You are not going to make me start over in the swamps of Screvulon you stupid..."
The tingling shoots through my body and I know my anger level is much too high but it's too late to fall into the calming exercises Gail taught me. My kitties launch themselves into the closet with dismayed yowls, knowing what's about to happen. I can't think anymore, I can't...
I never could understand my vessel's feelings for that weakling human boy. The pea-brained lump honestly believes Kansen to be the result of genetic misfortune. His science grades are atrocious, making him easy to trick. He does not understand that Kansen is the true keeper of this body.
It is hilarious, watching his virtual self fry in the beams of seven multi-colored lasers. His head whips to the side as the words "Game Over" appear in bright red letters. He is about to start yelling when he realizes the vessel's presence is gone.
"Ah shoot, I'm sorry Lili. I should've known better.Remember when we were kids and we used to go down to the pond to catch frogs?"
Kansen has surrendered to the pressure of her vessel in the past, but not this time. Kansen is not going anywhere.
"You will not recall the vessel. She is lost to you."
He shakes his head stubbornly. "You can do this, Lil. Remember the ice cream man? One time you did your glitch in front of him and he was so freaked out that he gave us free bars. Remember how we laughed about it as we were eating? You love to laugh."
"I desire no weak human emotions. They are what keep your people from greatness. I am better than human. There will come a day when you will fall to the ground and worship my feet."
"I know you don't mean that, Lili. You are not a glitch. You are the most amazing girl I know and I want you to snap out of it. I love you, Lili."
The vessel is reacting to his words, pushing against me in a way she has never done. I must take action now, before she succeeds.
"What would you know of love? Your own mother abandoned you in the street for the company of a bottle."
The pain on his face is delectable but I hardly have a chance to enjoy it as my vessel wins out at last.
Ever since Wes told me his secret, I've taken great care to protect it. It was knowing that there was someone else who knew the feeling of being abandoned that allowed me to let go of Kansen as a child.
His pain is a red-hot laser to my heart. I hold up a hand. "Wes, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it at all. It's Kansen. She's evil and she says horrible things when she takes over."
I have never used that name in front of Wes. It was the one point of control I would not let Kansen take away from me. I realize my mistake as his hurt deepens and turns to anger. Now he knows that I have lied to him, that I am not just his Lili. I am Lili and Kansen, and I have lied to my best friend for far too long.
"I've trusted you more than anyone. I told you exactly how to hurt me because I was stupid enough to believe you never would. We're done, Lili, or Kansen, or whoever the hell you are."
He storms out, leaving the game and a mess of white containers. Wes has always stayed to help me clean up, no matter how much we argued. I want to have a good, hard cry but Kansen has something else in mind.
How dare that human walk out on us? Even my vessel is of greater value than him! There is no going back. I can feel her growing weaker, needing a force capable of sustaining her life energy. This body is mine at last!
First I will redecorate. This small place does not have nearly enough breakables but I do what I can to make the rooms look inhospitable. The beasts come shooting out of their place of hiding, clawing at the sill until they are able to squeeze through. If they ever return, I will make cat cushions to replace the frilly ones that are now so much confetti.
I do not pay attention to days or hours as I begin to lay out my master plan with care. I will need a great sum of money if I am to buy all the required components for the Ultimate Weapon. I lay out the Master Plan on sheets of colored paper, linking the intricate steps with lengths of yarn that will never form some disgusting sweater.
A nervous man who used to work with my vessel shows up after a few days. A handful of sparks in his hair convinces him to leave me alone. What is it to me if I lose the job kept by my vessel? There are better ways to get the money I need. Bank heists, for instance.
I am ready to toast another fool at the next knock on the door.
"It's me, Lili. It's Wes."
Ha! As if I would open the door for that weakling!
"I know you're still angry and you should be. Of all people, I should've never walked out on you, no matter how mad I was. I accept you as Lili, or Kansen. You'll be Sen to me, if that's what it takes. I still love you, Sen. I'm not giving up on you because I know you're still good, no matter who you choose to be."
Pain. It's at my core. I don't know who I am anymore. I've got the glitchy scars and wild hair of Kansen but some part of my reason has returned and I cling to it as a mental life raft. Opening the door is painful too. My body doesn't know who to obey and fights any command. Wes puts an arm around me, supporting my weight and guiding me to the couch.
"You should get out of here, Wes." It is not my sweet voice that emerges but the scratchy growl of Kansen. "I am not Kansen, but I am no longer Lili. Kansen will win out. You've only bought me some time. I will hurt you, though I don't want to."
"I'm not giving up on you. Never again." His eyes fall on Kansen's chain of evil plans. He should be calling the police and having me locked away in a padded room but he's too busy holding me.
Five years later...
I'm with Wes when the call comes through. I guess this is not surprising as he rarely leaves my side now. My scars are faded and my scratchy voice only emerges as a growl when I am very angry, but the effects of Kansen's wrath will never be erased from the body I occupy. At least the sparks only come to my fingertips when I call them now. I regret to think of how many curtains I was forced to replace as snobby apartment owners kicked us to the street once again.
Wes is far too patient with me. The rational part of my brain that Kansen did not manage to overpower whispered that I should refuse his offer of a little golden band and kick him out of my life, for his own good. The pain I suffered from that muted voice was almost more than I can bear, even on my best days. I did the only thing I could do, shutting it up forever by dragging Wes down to the court house on a Wednesday afternoon. Nobody thinks of Wednesday as a day for momentous events which is why it was so perfect.
He wasn't bothered in the least that our only witnesses were a couple of bored court clerks. He said he was just happy that we officially belong together.
I had only one condition, one I will never change my mind about. I will not have children. I will not risk passing my strange glitches to some innocent toddler who will be forced to grow up in fear, the freak with the glowing eyes and scarred skin.
He never takes off his ring though I rarely wear mine. I'm really not eager to find out the effect of a strong electrical current on a tiny piece of gold. Just because I've mastered my powers doesn't mean they can't master me, now and then.
I let Wes pull the phone from the cradle, admiring the movement of his jaw as he speaks. His eyes meet mine and he is frowning. Wes never frowns at me. I reach for the phone before he even mouths a name.
"It's Gail. She...she has a message for you."
The sweet soprano voice of my foster mother takes me back to a year when pints of ice cream and stuffed bears ruled my days. Gail saw me lose my temper twice, her professional voice cutting through Kansen's rage and bringing back poor, lost Lili.
"I am so sorry to call you out of the blue like this, Lili. It's about your mother. Your birth mother."
I feel as if someone has cut a wire in my brain, preventing the proper messages from getting through. I can think of only one thing to say.
"I prefer to be called Sen now."
"Alright, Sen. Can you come down to Mercy Memorial? Antonia is here and I'm sorry to say she's very ill."
Gail accepts me for who I am as an adult without asking any questions. She comes straight to the point without any gushing emotions or false words of sympathy. I always did like the woman.
Wes readily agrees to drive me. My attempts behind the wheel, like my efforts to turn on a stereo or cook waffles in the toaster, tend to end badly.
There is not much I can say about the hospital. It is a massive white square with crowded waiting rooms and a horrible odor of antiseptic. You would think a place dedicated to curing sick people would make some effort to keep the healthy ones from throwing up. I'm trying to convince myself that this is the only reason I have to feel sick as Wes gives our names at a little visitor's desk.
The nurse smiles prettily, causing Kansen to growl just a little bit. She's come to tolerate Wes as part of my life. Kansen does not take kindly to rivals, real or imagined.
Gail is in a chair outside the room on the fourth floor. Her lips twitch reluctantly into a smile as she takes in my long blue hair and the blue scars on my cheeks. The glare of fluorescent lights surely does not flatter my appearance.
"The doctors have done all they can and she's resting comfortably. I'm afraid her mind has a tendency to wander but she does remember you Lil- I mean, Sen. She wants a chance to speak to you, to let you know the truth. She does love you, Sen. She never stopped loving you."now
Antonia is hooked up to machines by a bunch of wires. I can almost muster up a smile at the memory of a cartoon we watched together, one where a silly porcupine keeps outwitting a mountain lion. Opening her eyes, she almost smiles too.
"My baby girl. It's been so long...just look how big she's gotten."
The slamming of a car door. A stranger with bad acne and a punk rock t-shirt shooting me a hand gesture to ward off evil. These are the images in my mind that stop me from moving forward to embrace my mother. She gave up that title when she left me in the street to die.
Something in the atmosphere of the room changes. Wes can feel it too, putting an arm around my waist to anchor me though I am not the source. My former mother is looking beyond me, seeing things I cannot imagine. Her eyes widen in terror.
"No, not you. I want the other baby, the good one. You were the one that should have died!"
Wes pulls me from the room as doctors hurry in with their drugs and soothing words. Gail is trying to tell me that it's an effect of her illness, that she doesn't really mean it. Kansen is smugly silent though this is the kind of moment when she usually fights the hardest. She has no reason to fight now as I realize something I should have thought of long ago.
I never was Liliya. That is just who my former mother wanted me to be.
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