Les Crédits

L'Histoire

Mature themes: this story mentions psychological trauma and physical abuse.

"Abuse is all I ever knew as a child... There was never a single time I felt loved by anyone, anywhere."

"It's quite a long story, one that I don't like to tell often, eh. A runaway mother, neglect from a physically and emotionally abusive father, and a sexually abusive network that felt like the whole religious community was in on it, eh. I'll spare you the disturbing and explicit details. Long story short, my mind got really messed up. You never forget the first time your innocence is ripped away from you, eh. It went on for so long, I became mute - I became numb to it, like it was normalized. Like it didn't matter, like I didn't matter. A cycle of manipulation and punishment...

It inadvertently ended when my father kicked me out. I could drop out of school, out of the community, out of their lives, eh. And they all got away with it, because of my muteness and repressing of the experience. The scarring I was left with turned me into a different person: one who... those things didn't happen to. One who developed a tough outer shell of protection, one who wouldn't let anyone else in, one who would have a false identity - one that was the opposite of what the abusers said, eh. I dissociated and brainwashed myself until I was someone else, because of them.

With the facade up, I did what was expected of men in that time. I got a wife, eh. And that's not to say I didn't care about her... We had three kids together before she was taken from this world. I... don't... It's hard to talk about. Life sucked before Marie, and after, it sucked even worse, eh. It felt like everyone was dying around me, eh. I lost two of my kids... and one I lost emotionally. In my brainwashed state, my hate, anger, bitterness and depression, I had become my father... And one of my kids took the brunt of it. Only after years gone by did my lost kids return to me as zombies, but why not Marie, eh..? Everything from my childhood, to my inner self being denied, to repeatedly losing members of my family, only to ride out a roller coaster of emotions when some of them returned from the dead, made me want to drink myself into oblivion.

Everything changed when I met JC. He... he chipped away at my outer shell over the course of several years, eh. Admittedly, I wanted to be with him, but it was difficult to un-brainwash myself, eh. Guarded... In denial... Often confused and angry... Lying to him and denying my inner self. But JC was so persistent and for that I'm grateful, eh. We became close, spending more and more time together, Christmas, New Years... New Years... It was very special. Over time he began to move in with me and I was subconsciously preparing to spend my future with him, eh. It took time, but I told him about everything that happened to me as a child - something I never told Marie, or anyone, ever. JC helped me so much with counseling and talking things out with me. I was still so unstable over those years, so many relapses, so many panicked admissions then denials... Still I wasn't ready to tell the whole truth about myself, but that's when I started to consider remarrying...

I didn't have to consider long, eh. I proposed one summer, we moved to a glorious ranch, and that New Year's Eve we got married. It was only the following year when the last bit of my shell crumbled and I finally, finally, admitted to what had been true all long, eh. Looking back, it's almost funny that it only came after marriage with him. But in the moment, I felt vulnerable and defenseless. But JC calmed and reassured me as he always had, always so gentle and patient when it came to this delicate subject matter, I so appreciate him, eh... More than I could ever describe. He's done so much for me...

After everything I'd gone through in life, it was hard to be open, but now I recognize who I am, and promised to be true to myself from now on, eh. So then I'll say it now: I'm gay, and experienced homophobic sex abuse as a child. It's taken nearly 40 years but I have reclaimed my life and I will no longer give them the satisfaction of having control of my psyche after all this time. They silenced me as a child but I will not be silent any more. My name is Zacharie and I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor."

Les Infos

Les Chansons

Les Amis et La Famille

Il est mon mari. I met JC when I was pretending to be something I was not, so I was very mean to him at first when he tried to love me. It was a confusing time, where I was scared and relapsed a lot, but we somehow ended up in a relationship, eh. It is near impossible to explain to outsiders. It took many years, with a lot of therapeutic discussions, but he finally made me remember who I was meant to be. He listens to me and helps me, eh. I tell JC the biggest secrets about my past, he's seen me in my lowest moments, he understands me... It is special, eh. He made me a vampire like him, and taught me a lot about the culture. I also teach him French, so he will know what this says if he sees: Je t'aime. He's the only person I've ever trusted at this level, eh. He knows everything about me, he's my mobile safe space. New Years is very important to us and our relationship. After being together for four years, on December 31st 2015, we finally got married. We also have two children, our son PJ, and our daughter Carmen. We moved to a ranch and got some horses, eh. JC acts tough, tries to be strong and protect me, but I want him to be able to tell me his emotions and fears, like I do to him, eh. Being with him, learning to accept myself, be free and unafraid, makes me the happiest I've ever been in my life. I cannot imagine life without him, eh.

This is my oldest son, Aed. He is the first child I had with my first wife, Marie. We named him sdrawkcaBhtaeD because it's backwards English for "Death Backwards", and Marie said then it means "Life." It's confusing to me, and I think we should have just named him Zacharie Jr. He is an adult now, so I feel old, especially because he has kids of his own now, eh. Aed died when he was a teenager, but he's a zombie now, so his name meaning Life is a little ironic, eh. His death is something I don't talk much about, I guess because I'm still not ready to unpack all that trauma even though it's been a very long time now, eh. He is apparently a somewhat famous rapper, but he knows I don't listen to rap music so he's not mad. Aed used to send me money before I got together with JC, and he also gave me his dog Trixie for my birthday. Since he was a child he has always worried me, because he is strange... I don't know where he gets it, eh. But I am proud of him.

This is Aed's wife, Zay. So she is my daughter-in-law. She used to annoy me and call me bunny-butt for some reason, eh. I do not know why she looks at my butt, when she is married to my son. My tail is also nothing like a rabbit's so I don't know why she says these things. I don't know if she really likes me or not, since I used to be very grumpy, eh. Thanks to JC I have opened up and become happier and friendlier, and I don't know if she knows that. But as long as Aed is happy, eh.

Erik is the second son I had with Marie, after Aed, eh. For most of his life I have been very bad to him. I have a lot of regret. It was never his fault, it was mine, and I wish I could have taken better care of him, eh. He is also an adult now, with kids. He didn't want to be around me or forgive me. I wanted him to be my son again, and I was afraid he hated me forever, eh. Again with JC's help, I was able to tell Erik the secrets of my past in hopes that he could begin to understand me, eh. It doesn't excuse what I've done, but I hope he can fully forgive me someday. Deep down I was jealous of Erik's pride and freedom, and the way he was so unapologetically his true self. I am proud of him as I am with Aed, and now that I'm working on being like Erik, I hope we can become friends, eh.

This is Knives, he is Erik's husband. Knives is actually the brother of JC, which makes for an.. interesting, if not confusing family tree, eh. JC always tells me about how very good Knives is at making food, eh. Knives didn't like me very much, similar to Erik, and because of what I did to Erik. Knives was quick to be angry with me, but I know it was because he wants to protect Erik. When I told Erik the secrets of my past, I also told Knives. I wanted them both to know and understand me, eh. I think Knives has lightened up, but I'm unsure still if he likes me or not. It may be just tolerance. I do want to be friends with Knives and Erik. Maybe things will get better, eh.

This is my first daughter, Grymm, who was the last child I had with Marie. She was born with malaria that Marie also had while pregnant, but we got it fixed up - or we thought... Marie passed away very soon after she was born, so I felt particularly responsible to take good care of Grymm in memory of Marie, eh. Therefore it was extremely traumatic when Grymm's malaria came back a few years after and took her from me as well. A second chance has been blessed and she came back as a zombie and is doing very well for herself such as being in a popular band. All I wanted to do was take care of her again, but due to her independence she was estranged at first, eh. Well, that and apparently she's this "princess of Hell" which I wasn't very happy about at first, but... she is grown now, and I have to let her be free, eh. She seems to know what she's doing, but I can't help but worry about her, as her father.

This is my son with JC, Pierre. We sometimes call him PJ as well, eh. He was born in 2013 so he's still a little kid, but growing fast. He loves that show Spongebob and we had to buy him this really creepy toy of it, eh. Seriously the sponge's eyes have huge black holes around them, it looks like something out of a horror film, eh. But he loves it and doesn't seem bothered. PJ strengthened me and JC's relationship at a crucial time, and I'm so glad we had him, eh. He made me remember how much I love children, and I love him very much.

Carmen is just a tiny baby that me and JC had at the end of 2017. She's still new so we're getting to know each other more every day, eh. She was planned, and my idea, I think. I was thinking about having another kid for a long time, eh. Then I asked JC if he wanted to raise another and he was very, very happy, eh. I know he had probably thought about having another more than once, eh. A new bundle of joy to share... Our family is so happy, eh.

Luna is the first ghoul we ever had in the house, eh. Ghouls are like butlers and maids specially for vampire-kind, eh. JC has lots of ghouls but he picked this one to help take care of the house. She is very nice, and a lot like a nanny, eh. She watches over the kids. JC wants to give ownership of her to Pierre so he'll have his own ghoul. He's only a child so I'm not sure, eh. When we sent Pierre to vampire school for the first time, Luna goes with him. I was scared to let PJ go to school but knowing Luna will be there makes me feel so much better, eh. I trust her.

Bastian is the second ghoul we got in the house, eh. JC used to live at a castle with his brother, and JC still keeps a lot of his stuff there, and I assume his ghouls are also living there, eh. Bastian used to live there, but JC brought him to the house, I can't remember why, eh. But I am glad he's here now. I've talked to Bastian a lot, and I like him. I consider him a friend, and I feel bad for ghouls so I never ask him to do too much or something too difficult, eh. He is usually sassy, but he's nice to me, eh. Bastian was apparently JC's first ghoul.

Phinean was JC's friend, and JC introduced me to him. Life has felt so complicated since then, eh. Sometimes I wish I would have never met him. It's not that I don't like him, eh... It's the opposite. I hate this frivolous, deprived, experimental feeling. I'm too old for this, and otherwise very happily married, eh. It's just that Phinean has a fantastic physique, all I wanted to do was look at him, and I was tormented by that desire to look. I have beat myself up over it, and I know inside JC was afraid and jealous, at least at first, eh. But lately he's changed his tune, and even encouraged it. Phinean is very friendly and offered to be my friend, since I didn't really have any other than JC, eh. I have also told Phinean my secrets so he's able to understand and tread lightly. He's gentle and considerate, but deep-rooted fear keeps me from getting too close, eh.

Majistrat is also JC's friend, as well as Phinean's. I met Majistrat when JC invited both him and Phinean over, eh. I have no desire to try to control who JC is friends with, but his personality clashes with mine too much for me to enjoy his company. He's extremely forward, blunt, grabby, unfiltered, entitled and annoying... JC has tried to stick up for him and say he's not that bad, just a childish but loving husband and father. I'll admit that I feel bad for Majistrat after learning how his father treats him - that I can relate to, eh. After telling him my secrets, he promised to tone down his behavior towards me...

Trip is another of JC's close friends. I don't know if they're really best friends or what, eh. JC goes on about when he talks to Trip and calls him on the phone to tell him breaking news, eh. They've known each other for a long time, eh. JC told me that Trip is friends with Trigger, and that I should visit and talk to him, because we share a very similar unfortunate experience. When I went there to share stories with Trigger, Trip had to be there to translate because I couldn't understand Trigger, eh. Trip is one of the first people outside my family to hear my secrets, and he seems nice.

I had been longing for a support group of similar victims where we could talk through things together. JC said I should talk to Trigger. Though he seemed to have come to terms with what happened to him long before I did, he was still open to talk, eh. I found out why I couldn't understand him was related to his trauma. It was very comforting to have someone know what it's like, and to feel like I'm not alone. Trigger is one of the first people outside my family to hear my secrets. I hope by sharing my story, I helped him feel comforted too, eh.

Croix is JC's boss, eh. I met him once before, but only briefly, and a few years later, JC brought him to our house for a visit. He seems nice and all, but I had my reservations about him... I mean he's a freaking demon! I don't know if I was supposed to say that, eh.... I'm not religious anymore, but JC knows my upbringing, I can't just accept these things just like that, eh. JC is always springing these things on me... But over time, it's gotten easier to accept him, eh. Probably has something to do with the fact that my daughter Grymm has fallen in love with him, tabarnac... I was far from happy about that, but I promised to back off, eh. As time goes on I can see how much Grymm cares for him, and I shouldn't be so selfish... I remember being in his shoes when it came to Marie, and I had a lot easier time with her parents, so I lightened up, apologized and told him I accepted him and all that. He really doesn't seem bad, even if he is a demon, eh. I just have to trust the both of them.

Just because I suppressed my true identity and took a wife, doesn't mean I didn't truly care for her, eh. I met Marie soon after I escaped... abuse, and was out on my own for the first time. After we were together, we moved around a lot, we ended up getting married and having kids, and she's the reason I know English, eh. We were young parents. She worked so hard. She worked so much... So much time apart, and then to have her taken away... I always felt like it was my fault, eh. She left late, she stayed for my birthday, she had to take that plane instead... ...Every year, her birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, that wretched day afterwards, I think about her and how it was my fault that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, eh. She never knew what happened to me as a child - no one knew until I met JC. But was the me that she knew even real? The illusion and protective shell I made myself have been shattered since she's been gone, and sometimes I wonder what she would think of me now, eh.

Now... technically my mother is still alive. But she was about 45 years too late to be in my life, eh. JC encourages me to get to know her and develop a normal parental relationship but I... just don't want to. "Oh but that's your mother," oui, but... She abandoned me. She left me to be raised by a horrible hateful man - she loved that horrible hateful man. I reunited with her when we were vacationing in Quebec, apparently she'd moved into my wretched childhood home after my father was gone, eh. She seemed nice and caring then, but where was she before?! Soory but it just makes me mad!

Dark, dark living room... I have to stay on the couch or else. Or else... Flickering TV, smoke and alcohol. It didn't matter if I obeyed, I was punished anyway. Pushed, pulled, smacked, pummeled with whatever was in his reach... Broken bones never correctly healed, only my blanket can protect me... If I could be with the cowboys on TV then everything would be nice, eh. Not good enough, useless child, bastard child, fif... Trying to tell someone only made it worse. All my fault, all my fault... He was right about me, they said. Silent child, silent teen, I'll never see you again. You really think you were going to go to heaven?